Dear Lord,
I awoke this morning with full blown migraine - level 10. Awoke to another at 4:00 am to a level 5 migraine. I took Excedrin Migraine both times. It seems to have worked although I do have a lingering headache. What's this all about?????
Probably stress from yesterday that wasn't processed by my body even though my mind was processing and I was talking to Pam about it. For some reason, my body still holds onto old memories of painful relationships and new stressors of sticking to boundaries. Kelly, Bonnie and Carol have laid heavy on my heart. I need to get rid of these pent up emotions so I'm writing a letter to each of them as soon as I get done with this writing.
In short:
I miss my Dad for the first time since his death in Feb 2008.
I miss Bonnie for the first time since last year.
I feel scared that Kelly no longer has her chiropractic practice.
Who to write:
Dear Dad...
Dear Bonnie...
Dear Kelly...
What to write:
Dear Dad, for some odd reason I miss you right now.
Dear Bonnie, I'm not coming back to our friendship.
Dear Kelly, I am praying for your emotional and spiritual health.
Then there are these letters:
Dear Carol, I miss you so much. I'm ready to do a closing session.
Dear Julie, You have been used by God in an instrumental way in my recovery.
Dear God, You've never given up on me. I praise your Holy Name.
Then there are these concerns:
Dear God, I am scared about my finances. I know I'm not perfect and I know I make mistakes. I know I go on spending sprees yet I have nothing to show for it. I know my purchases are not major but every dollar needs to be accounted for as not wasteful. I have reached a body weight which makes me sick to my stomach (so to speak). What feelings am I jamming down my throat or trying to slowly kill?
Lord, will I ever be free of the mental illness, ever be able to work, ever have hope of using the gifts you've richly bestowed upon me, ever be able to lose 110 pounds? I don't like myself. I don't love myself. I loathe who I'm becoming. Who is it? A chronic, acute, major, severe mess. I feel lowly when I present my broken mind, messed up life and all areas hurting (emotional and physical) up to You for healing. I want to cut, to drink, to eat and to runaway into oblivion. Old securities.
New behaviors: Learning to say "no" and knowing I am loving myself and putting my needs (in a healthy way) in front of others. Talking out loud, not in my head, about fears and/or triggers. Taking notes during therapy so I can "ponder those things in my heart" as Mary did when she was holding baby Jesus and watching how He was being given great gifts as a new born King in a smelly manger. Not purchasing a new knife, resisting the temptation to drink away my sorrow, looking at my arms and they do not have many scars from cutting, taking my meds when I remember (which is most of the time), reaching out for help or encouragement when I need it and accepting/asking for financial help when I most need it.
In short, I guess I'm doing about as good as anyone can under these stressors. My faith in Christ gives me new hope every morning and every morning I get to reenlist in His army. What joy that brings to a life that is struggling in pain.
My hope is in you, Lord.
The Maker of heaven and earth.
Love Amy Kathleen
