Dear God,
I keep looking for Aaron but I can't find him. All I find are photos I've seen so many times. His Facebook page doesn't show any status updates posted by him. I feel empty and lost.
Will the pain ever go away? Is it possible to heal from so much loss? It's as though I've been wandering for the past year. A desert with no water; the sun scorching my skin. My heart is bleeding feelings I don't understand.
My heart bleeds. My inner being aches. My mind is a map leading nowhere. My body ingests itself. My brain is useless. My thoughts are inflicting self-harm. I catch myself before it becomes a reality.
I imagine the police knocking at my door. I imagine myself unable to open the door. I imagine being taken to the hospital. I imagine it like it was yesterday.
I wander around my house.
I'm trapped.
There's no way out of this pain.
I isolate.
I pull away from everyone. I hide deep inside my shell. Food will not kill the pain. Nothing will. I'm a ghost in a world filled with death. I'm haunted by images from the past. No one can see me. I am transparent - invisible to everyone but myself. I cut away the fat. I drown out the sorrow. I hide beneath the shame and guilt. I'm a secret to myself.
I do not commit suicide. That puts more pain on others than the temporary pain I am feeling. Dr. Wagner says, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Sometimes it's relieving to think about. Sometimes idealizing it is dangerous. I need to stay away from it today.
I feel too much pain.
.
