I Hate Myself

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.  I'm such a fuck up.  I can't do anything right or stick with anything that's good for me.  I continually screw up my finances and my fat sucky self.  I overeat, I can't manage to not overdraw my account and in general, I feel fucked up.

I'm so angry at Pam.  I'm so angry at myself.  I would cut but I don't do that anymore.  I would drink but I don't do that anymore.  I would kill myself but I don't think like that anymore.  All of my coping tools are gone so what's left?  My fucked up self.

What's going on, Amy?  I can't sleep, I can't rest, my stupid head won't shut the hell up.  Over and over again I miss Bonnie and Carey.  I can't stand Corey.  I dream about them and it hurts.  I'm such a fuck up.

I don't wish death because of what it will do to others but if I had a choice, I would get the hell out of here in a damn hurry.  No where to run to...no where to hide.  Get a gun, shoot it so I can feel powerful and in control.  I'm not in control.  Something else is.

What?  Feelings.  Feelings I can't manage.  I'm overcome with feelings.  All sorts of them.  I want Carol but I can't afford to see her.  I really can't.  It sucks.  I suck.

Get the hell out of here.  Out of this place of misery.  Too many feelings, too many thoughts, too many negative thoughts, too much depression.

I hate everything about my body.