Starting Vacation

Dear Father,

Oh the joy of getting away from daily life.  I'm feeling sad about leaving my kitties.  I know I'll miss them very much.  You'd think I'd be happy going up to my mom's but I'm just not feeling it.

Once we get going I'm sure that will change.  The getting ready part is where I'm struggling.  I pray you will help me make the right choices today.  Please surprise me in a good way for the cost of the prescriptions.  I forgot to factor that into my monthly expenses.

Well, gotta run.
I love you and ask you to bless this time with wisdom, fun and loads of laughter.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Wanting to Hide

Dear Father,

I'm a little anxious about heading up to my mom's.  I haven't been on vacation in such a long time that I've forgotten how good it will feel to get away for awhile.  I know we'll have fun - we always do.

I need your help and your strength.  I am weak when it comes to wanting something but not always being smart about it.  I want a new camera for the kids school activities, memory foam for my mattress, and my brakes fixed.  I know I have to steward all of Jo's money toward my bills for this month.  Next month will be a better gauge and maybe I can put some $ into savings?  I really want to.

My spirit is downcast.  I want to clean my house but I'm sweaty.  I want to clean my floor but don't have the money for the Swiffer stuff.  I need to learn how to be okay in not having what I want.  It's very very hard.

Lord, I ask that my time with the girls be blessed with fun and laughter.  Help us to spend some nice time together playing games, maybe go for a walk or something else fun.  I love my time with them.  Please help Ryan and I plan for a meal together.  I miss my time with him.

Please bless my mom and I, too.  Please help Pam while I'm gone.  I'd like to call her most everyday just like at home.  Please let this be a time for Steve to realize whether or not I'm a convenience or someone he really treasures.  I'll need some guidance in this area, too.

I love you and thanks again for Jo's abundance.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Contemplating

Dear Father,

So many thoughts are on my mind this morning.  Serving in Annie's ministry hoping it will turn into a paid position; wondering if I should stay with Steven or let him go; contacting the Good Sense ministry to help me manage your money better; slimming down so I feel better and healthier; and making sure I can afford to get my brakes fixed before I do more damage to them.  Concerns of my heart.

I know you will work all things out for good, Your Good.  I pray I am able to listen attentively and obey your leadings.  Whispers are hard to hear in a mind filled with TV and other preoccupations.  I am shutting off the TV for the next couple of days trying to get to a place of focus.  There are more things I can do with my time than vege.  I'm eager to learn those things and carry them out to completion.

Preparing for a vacation up at my Mom's is enough to do.  Getting my house ready and the cats ready will take some time and be joyful in the process.  Making sure Pam has all the supplies she needs is also important.  Planning for the unexpected like high temps is important, too.  Helping her by making it as easy as possible is the least I can do.

Lord, you are my All in All.  I love you with all my heart, mind, soul and strength.  Please bless and protect those I love.  My family and friends are treasured gifts from You.  I love them very much.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Money

Dear God,

I'm sitting here feeling bad about Steven not wanting to pay for the movie last night.  I understand the popcorn and drinks were a sticker shock but why am I not worth the extra $14?  He can spend $40 on lenses for his sunglasses then more money for a new case but spending $33 for a date is too much?  Ouch.

We have very different views on money.  I enjoy giving to people when I can, buying them things or paying for entertainment.  He on the other hand is very focused on himself.  I pray you will help me to deal with this in the future by either mentioning it to him or deciding to pay for myself.

I think he wants to do the right thing.  I know he has a good heart.  I just wish he'd have more of a desire to provide for me rather than provide for himself.

I love you, Lord, and I know you will work all this out for good.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Survival

Dear Father,

I woke up overwhelmed by the thought of another day.  Nothing to do, really, except watch TV and rest.  I know I can read and do other things around the house but sometimes my brain is not engaged.

I'm washing a load of laundry before the temp reaches 103 (again for the 3rd day).  I'm trying to stay ahead of the weather.  I'll be driving out to the theater to pick up tickets for Steven and I tonight.  Spiderman here we come.

I'm not as worried about my finances.  I sent an email to Jo and that relieved it.  I know you have plans for me so I have to be patient and wait upon you.

I will do my best.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Worry

Dear God,

Worry is what I'm feeling as I look at my financial condition.  I'm in need of about $600 to get caught up.  I'll also need funds for my brakes.  Then I can start August with a clean slate.  Will you please provide these for me?

When I worry I feel powerless, unable, disabled, stuck, trapped, in bondage, helpless, hopeless and alone.  I am none of these.

Powerless into Powerful:  I have the innate ability to budget God's money wisely and to tithe.
Unable into Able:  I have the courage to ask for help when help is needed.
Disabled into Acceptance:  Working is not the answer right now.
Stuck into Movement:  Each day I learn new ways to improve.
Trapped into Freedom:  I can live in financial freedom no matter how much God gives me.
In Bondage into Victory:  I have victory over all things because Christ lived and died for me.
Helpless into Resourceful:  I have people who are able to give time, treasure and friendship.
Hopeless into Hope:  I put all my hope into Jesus Christ who gives me strength.
Alone into Trinity:  I am never alone in anything I do, need or desire.

Worry is letting something or someone take up rent free space in my head.  Why give up that precious space to something I have little to no control over?  Give it to God and let Him have the glory in providing for my every need, whether I cause it by mistakes or it's by circumstance.

I love you, Father.

Your daughter who is a mess,
Amy Kathleen

Jesus Heals

Dear Father,

Oh the pain of a full blown migraine really hurts.  I'm such a pharmaceutical mess.  I should have taken the Maxalt yesterday but didn't want to "waste" it.  Instead, I found myself in an incredibly painful situation that only Jesus could heal.  Not that I regret having to ask but I do feel like a fool for not medicating myself earlier.

Lord, why is pain management so hard for me?  Why don't I take the meds I have?  Right now it's because I don't have the funds to pay for them.  How in the world did I forget the American Family payments?  I have to make a call so when I receive Jo's support the payment can go through.  I don't know.  I'm a real mess.

Lord, help me as much as I need it.  Which I think is more than I can handle.  I'm going to send out an email message.  It's hard to admit defeat and failure.  I know I can do this.  I just can't catch up.  Can you please open the resources of heaven and send what I need?  I'm at a loss and can't catch up.

Maybe I shouldn't send an email.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Too Much Death

June 26, 2012...Mario passed away after a long battle with brain cancer
June 28, 2012...Email from Soni about her sister Pam having 80% pancreatic cancer
July 1, 2012...Joyce Ryan's daughter Diane died from brain cancer this morning

Surrounded by pain.  And Justin, Alicia's kitty, died.

Heavy hearted.
Want to isolate.
Keeping inside.
Don't want to talk to Steve.

Would rather curl up and fade out.
Stop feeling, stop all sadness, stop all pain.
For everyone.

Chelsa, Neena, Nadia, Ana, Melissa, Tracy, Bill, Soni, Pam, Shel, Bud, their  Mom, Tom, Joyce, Ashley, her family.  Alicia, Samantha, Hope.  Kim, Tracy, Diana, Steve, Pam, Shawnda, Dale, Joe, Jon, Tina, Ryan, Hope, Samantha, Alicia, me, Tracy, Mom, Carol, Alex.

Death hurts so many people and nothing I do or say can ever take away the pain of the loss.

Nothing.

I am completely powerless.

It's A Day

Dear God,

Today started with incredible pain, a level 10 for sure.  I didn't go to the er because I wasn't sure I should.  After taking Aleve the pain subsided but reared its ugly head at 9:00.  Complete with tears, I took more Aleve and waited.  Once it kicked in, I was okay.  Got another flare up, took more Aleve.  Was able to go to lunch with Kim and Suzanne.

I feel so bad for Kim.  She's really struggling and in a lot of emotional pain.  Please help her through this very tough time.

Please help Suzanne to put healthy boundaries in place.

Please guide me with Steve.  Please guide me with this pain.  Please help me continue making healthy food choices.

I love you, Lord.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Headaches

Dear God,

After many hours of feeling sorry for myself, I pulled myself out of the dump and went with Steven to Wauconda Fest.  It was good to get out of my house.  It was good to take a shower.

I have to tell you I'm sick of being in pain.  It's my head, my back, my legs or anything else.  I hurt and it hurts to hurt.  I'm so glad Pam is coming home tomorrow.  I feel relieved that she is alive.  Not dead like she could have been.  The fear of losing her is more than I can bear.

I'm bleeding again.  My right flank hurts.  Kidney or back?  Probably my back.

I enjoyed church today.  Especially enjoyed seeing Marie.  Excellent message.  I want to know you more, I want to serve you.  How do I do that?  I want to work so my finances aren't so tight.  But I still haven't learned how to live within my means.  I feel like a total failure.

Just want to sleep.  Going to get the rice sock.  Have to cool off this head.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

I Hate Myself

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.  I'm such a fuck up.  I can't do anything right or stick with anything that's good for me.  I continually screw up my finances and my fat sucky self.  I overeat, I can't manage to not overdraw my account and in general, I feel fucked up.

I'm so angry at Pam.  I'm so angry at myself.  I would cut but I don't do that anymore.  I would drink but I don't do that anymore.  I would kill myself but I don't think like that anymore.  All of my coping tools are gone so what's left?  My fucked up self.

What's going on, Amy?  I can't sleep, I can't rest, my stupid head won't shut the hell up.  Over and over again I miss Bonnie and Carey.  I can't stand Corey.  I dream about them and it hurts.  I'm such a fuck up.

I don't wish death because of what it will do to others but if I had a choice, I would get the hell out of here in a damn hurry.  No where to run to...no where to hide.  Get a gun, shoot it so I can feel powerful and in control.  I'm not in control.  Something else is.

What?  Feelings.  Feelings I can't manage.  I'm overcome with feelings.  All sorts of them.  I want Carol but I can't afford to see her.  I really can't.  It sucks.  I suck.

Get the hell out of here.  Out of this place of misery.  Too many feelings, too many thoughts, too many negative thoughts, too much depression.

I hate everything about my body.

Weight, again

A long battle,
A painful battle,
One I hope to win,
Only with God's intervention, teaching and HELP!

Love Me More Than You Love Food

That's all.
The title says it.
Love God more than I love food.
Okay.

What To Write

Dear God,

I am struggling today with the weather being so hot outside.  I feel confined to my house though I know I can go outside at any time.  It's weighing the heat against staying comfortable.  Comfort wins!

I'm struggling with my new way of eating.  I see how my body gains and loses weight so easily.  Having it lose weight is still a little unnerving.  Not as much as it used to be.  Thank you.

I miss Carol.  I miss her laugh, her counsel and her tears.  I pray if it be Your will that I see her that all those details will come together for Your Good.  Not my will but Yours be done.

Time to read.  "The Story."  Good book.  After all, it's Your book made simpler for little brains like mine that struggle reading the same thing over and over.  No complaints.  I'm just saying.  :)

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Living

Dear God,

I have a headache and I don't feel well.  My back is hurting, my eyes are tired and my spirit is dim.  The light is going out but I want it to stay lit.

I'll miss my Shadow's nursing on my ears.  The tender cuddling, the little suckle noises and his deep eyes that expressed his love and life.  It's hard to see the blood on the road.  I pray for rain if only to wash away his death.

I'm so sleepy.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

My Hearts Is Sad

Dear God,

Yesterday was a good day.  A day I ate my sorrow over Shadow.  Since his death, I'm struggling.  I feel very sad.  He wasn't there to get into my earrings when I slid open the door to get my toothbrush.  I miss him.  I miss his deep eyes when we'd look at each other.  So full of Shadow...

I feel depressed.  I know it's normal to grieve, to feel sad, to be down.  My body hurts because of the humidity.  I am one big ache.

I gained 8 pounds in 48 hours.  How the heck did that happen?  No wonder my weight has been so screwy.

I guess I'll start no sugar except for tea tomorrow.  I already blew today.

I love you.
Give Shadow a big squeeze and kisses from me.
Tell him how much I miss him - how much he was loved - even when he was a pain.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Down 10 lbs!!!

Dear God,

Thank you for the wonderful conversation with Marie yesterday.  I was saddened by Shadow's sudden death.  I was able to talk with her about him and so much more.  Thank you for her love and friendship.

I'm thinking a lot about Bonnie.  I really miss her.  It's hard not to be able to integrate she and her family into my new life.  I mourn her loss, the loss of Tom and the loss of the kids.  I loved them with all my heart.  I still love them.  Maybe this will change someday?  I'm open to it.

I was nervous stepping onto the scale this morning although I did suspect I'd lost more weight.  I have!  Down from 246 to 236 since the beginning of May.  I'm getting ready to reduce the carbs although I've already taken solid steps toward that goal.  I'm not drinking any more soda and I've really reduced the sugars.  I'm going to stick with this plan.  My stomach is reducing in size so portion control has been better.  My mental and emotional status is balanced.  Being off all those meds is contributing to my overall health.  I feel so good.

I'm enjoying the book, "The Story."  I'm really getting into it as it progresses into my favorite parts of the Old Testament.  Your provision for Your people is quite spectacular.  Watching them as they grow in their faith is also quite a treat.  I'm so glad You wrote your book of love for us, for me.  It's quite personal as I relate to my brothers and sisters who struggled with trust so many years ago.

Please help Pam, Steven, Kim, Laurie and my family as we grieve the loss of loved ones.  You are our great God who comforts the brokenhearted.  Please help Tracy as she adjusts to being back to work.  Please continue to draw Mario toward you and give Bill/Chelsea what they need in order to share Jesus' love for him.  Please help Christine with that same request.  May she be surrounded by those who know You and can share Your hope with her.  Please help Laurie with her writing and the concerns of her heart.  Help her to walk closely beside You, feeling Your presence throughout her days.  Please give my Mom and I a great conversation this morning; Tina and Dale financial security; Hope excitement for camp; Ryan protection as he's driving and a deep desire to return to church; Samantha comfort for the loss of Shadow and friends to spend time playing; Alicia for her spiritual growth; Joe for coming to know the real You; Jonny for employment and an opportunity to hear about the love of Jesus; Lacey the patience for little Skye and an opportunity to hear about the love of Jesus; and for Aaron...I know he's with You, Lord.  Tell him how much I miss him.  For Marie, blessings with the book, "7."  For Suzanne, healing rain come pouring down.  For Annie, blessings with the resale shop.  For Donald, protection for his health and financial blessings.  For Jo, peace in her heart and motivation to lose weight.  For Soni, continued weight management and healing for the loss of her Dad.  For me, a tighter relationship with You so that all things that were once impossible come true.

You are my All in All.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

I love you, Shad

Dear God,

My heart is broken over the death of Shadow.  I found him near the side of the road when Pam and I were returning from errands.  How shocked I was to find him where he was.

I will miss him so much.  He was a bit of a pain but that was Shadow.  He'd constantly walk across my keyboard, pick on Kitten and then he'd be so sweet.  He was sitting in my bedroom window this morning, enjoying the cool breeze.  I let him outside with the girls because it was such a gorgeous day.  I'm glad he died living out his running self.

I feel so guilty but then I know You create all living creatures with beginning and end dates.  Today was Shadow's time to be with You.  I know, even if he is not in Heaven, You know where he is and he is forever safe.

My prayer is for comfort for Samantha, myself, Alicia and Hope.  If cats do have 9 lives, he lived each of them to the fullest.  He enjoyed finding my earrings, playing with my ring and chasing his brothers.  He will be sorely missed.

It's time for an animal memory wall or at least a photo frame.

Be at peace, my dear Shadow.
I love you and I will miss you.

Thanks, God.
You're my best friend.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Following Thru

Dear God,

After my writing yesterday I went to WCCC's website.  I was blessed to learn Joni would be speaking.  I was doubly blessed by catching a hug from Marie and using her gift card at Seeds.  I was thirdly blessed by not being afraid of the large crowd as we stood for the new building breaking ground gathering.  The words spelled were Joy, Hope and Life.  I was in the L part of life.  And a new life you've given to me has been quite a ride.

I'm achy but not complaining.  Very grateful Pam wanted to get out of the house.  I stayed on budget.  I did not eat out.  I purchased better food.  I'm feeling a bit better now that I'm home.

Please bless Laurie's writing.  Please draw Mario unto You.  Please help Chelsea with the list I'll be giving her.

I'm ready to go get Tracy.  I love my sisters.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

A New Day

Dear God,

I'm not sure what to say.  My body is still in pain.  I will go for a walk to see if that will help.

Thank you for my family.  Thank you for your provision for the ComEd bill.  Thank you for the giving of others, especially Tracy and Jo.  I continue to need, I am making mistakes.  Please help me to be a better steward.  I don't want to keep taking steps backwards.

I want to lose weight but it's so HARD!  Please help me where I need it most.  I don't know where it is but I know and have complete faith that You do.

Sorry I didn't go to church today.  I feel scared.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

What are you afraid of?  
people
Why?  
they frighten me
Who?  
all of them, there are so many
Amy, Marie is safe, right?
yes
She loves you.
yes
She won't hurt you.
okay
Reach out to her, Amy.  She can help you.  Ask her for help.