Food Addiction Going Down

Dear God,

For the past week I've been convicted of my food addiction and actually identified it as a food addiction.  I can feel all the sexual abuse feelings beginning to resurface.  They seem as painful today as they were with Carol. 

Thank you for the gifts of Marie and my new therapist, Faith.  Meeting with them two days in a row has surfaced the sadness and lots of tears.  I know you have me in the palm of your hand.  I know I will survive this next step in healing.  I know you'll be with me all the way.

Lord, I'm going to need Faith to pray over me when our sessions are finished.  I depended on that from Carol.  Even though there were times I felt uncomfortable I believe her tenderness reached your ears and her wisdom gave me encouragement.  Just hearing her voice comforted me.  I shall ask for it.

My food history was very hard to write.  I edited it today, adding some memories and feelings I'd remembered.  Shame seems to be my primary feeling along with sad and scared.  I'm very tired and want to sleep well.  I know the sexual abuse and physical abuse cause sleepless restless nights and early mornings.  I pray you'll give me the strength I need to get through each day without overeating, cutting or drinking.  I never want to do these things that are so destructive to my body ever again.

Lord, I drempt of Kelly.  I so wish and hope and pray that her relationship with you hasn't suffered since Rob's death.  This weekend will be the anniversary of his death and the anniversary of their marriage.  Is she okay?  I still love her so much but I know there's nothing I can do but pray your comfort and healing for her broken heart.  I can't imagine the pain she went through nor what she is now going through.  Only you can see her.  Please continue calling her name until she meets your Son in a personal relationship.  Only through Him can she have everlasting love.

Please give Marie the desires of her heart.  The next job, the next vacation, the next car, the next blessings.  She is a faithful servant, Mom and friend.  Bless her with the last part of her weight loss.  She has come a long way and I'm so excited for her!

Please help me through all this emotional stuff.  I know it's not baggage - it's history.  Or rather, my-story.  Never let me forget where I came from but always impress upon me forgiveness toward those who hurt me deeply.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Depression

Dear Lord,

The depression this time around is debilitating.  I'm downcast, eating, tired and blah.  I know my cycle is adding to the imbalance.  Everyday I want to die.

I've been tempted to drink.  No temptations to cut or overdose.  I'm trying to stay busy.

I've painted most of my kitchen, the pantry area.  Now I have to move on to the living room trim and touchups.

Ryan has a game tonight I hope to go see. 

Aaron's 21st birthday was yesterday.  I'm so sad he's not here.

"Don't let your heart be troubled.  Trust in the Father; trust also in me."  John 14:1

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Energy

Dear God,

Today I've had an abundance of energy.  Getting chores done, taking care of lowering some bills, library, and other stuff that's needed doing.  I wish I felt like this everyday.

Dr. Macejkow called with a great report about my kidney.  Lots of sand must have passed because my kidney looks so much better.  She's very excited and asked if I could hear it in her voice.  She is such a hands on doctor.  I love her!!  You know what I mean.

I feel very good about the money I spent and how I spent it.  I even have a little in my gas tank.

Time to wind down for the evening although I feel like I can keep going.

Please sell my punching bag.  I have a prospective buyer.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

A Brand New Day

Dear Father,

Today is a brand new day filled with possibilities and wonders.  I'm so thrilled at how good my ceiling looks after a couple of coats of paint.  It's not done yet but I'm still excited it's well on it's way.  Once that gets done I can go around and repaint the edges.  Then I can paint the kitchen and finish the floor.  Your house is almost complete!  Just have to get some wall trip and floor trim.  Once piece at a time.

I'm not feeling so stressed out today.  Thank you for rest and recovery and Lorazepam.  I have to go to the dollar store and get some things but I know you are the one who is providing for all my needs.

Today I ask for comfort for Pamela Sue and Soni; please have the chemo work for her cancer.  I pray for my family to walk closer with you and to be still and hear your voice.  Please help me to clean out my fridge and make good food selections.  I should probably be writing them down.

Above all else, please help me to stay in your will.  To write down Ps 32:8 and 34:18.  It's so good to have only the family channels on DirecTV.  I feel more pure.

I love you and I give my whole life to you!
Thanks for Laurie, Marie and Annie - my three.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Cleaning House

Dear God,

So much cleaning going on inside your house.  I've attacked my bedroom and strive to keep up with housework.  I've written down rooms to clean like my mom and it's helping a lot.  I'm working on my bathroom today.  I'm one room behind but I figure with switching my laundry day it's okay.  :)

Thank you for all you've given and all you continue to give.  I'm talking with Nina from Ashford University this morning to check out their online program.  I don't know what her exact role is as an advisor but I hope she can answer some of my questions.

I'm feeling lead to meet with Carol or try to get in touch with Julie about their schooling.  I'm wanting to do a Ph.D. because the brilliant people who've been plugged into my life have suggested it.  I'm honored that you have blessed me with a multi-ability brain.  I'm equally blessed my body is feeling better.

Here we go!  Please help me to love my monkey without prejudice or judgment.  I don't know why those evil thoughts keep going through my head.  She is my daily buddy without whom my life would be very different and empty.

I miss Bonnie very much.  Every time I hear the words "best friend" or even the word monkey I remember her fondly.  I do pray she is happy and has a new woman monkey.  I know Tom is her main guy!!

Please bless me with wisdom for the day.  Please bless Soni with fortitude, wisdom, discernment and safety. Please keep Tom safe in her absence so she has no additional worries.  Please bless Kim with another great day of teaching.  Please help her students to see the big heart she has and no bull allowed rules.  Please bless Tracy with wisdom and discernment as she sorts through her new role as a Stepmom.  Please help Tina as her family gets ready to go back to school.  I know she'll miss them greatly.  Please bless my Mom with renewed energy for weight loss and good health.  Bless her little business so she can be financially unconcerned about all things.

My love to Marie, Jo, Laurie, Annie, Donald, Pam, Kim, Suzanne, my family, those in Heaven and those I've missed.  Please bless my friends with a closer relationship with you.  Especially Soni's sister, Pam.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Tuesday

Dear God,

I seem to be feeling better.  I'm trying to take my medication daily.  Physically I'm not having so many headaches and my abdominal region is better.  Maybe some of it has been stress.  Or maybe some of it was the big kidney stone.  In either case, I'm grateful to You that I'm feeling better.

It's time to go for a walk.  That's what I keep hearing in my head.  I'd rather go for a ride.  I hate walking.  It hurts my back.  I'll make some adjustments to my bike and take it for a pedal.

Please help me to focus on You today.  I have a couple of note cards to mail.  I see Cookie waiting for the person who drives by and honks hello to her.  I pray they come soon.  If not, I pray she still feels your love.

I need to let go of DirecTV.  It's been fun and was affordable.  But now with the price doubling I just can't do it.  Maybe I should be without TV for a little while.  I don't want to become addicted to it.  I really did enjoy watching the Olympics!!  Thank you!

Off I go to another day.  I'm trying to get information about an online university.  Please direct my path.

I love you!
Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Out Of It

Dear God,

I'm feeling really out of it today.  With the visit from Aunt Flow I am depleted of energy.  Going through menopause or the near end stages of it is more difficult than I hoped.  I want to eat but my stomach is not hungry.  More thirsty.

I'd like to be able to take the girls to the water park.  If you can make the weather happen that would be great.  If not, please let me find another way to spend time with them.

Thank you for Pam's generosity.  I am blessed beyond what I deserve.

Love,
Amy Kathleen

A Better Day

Dear God,

Thank you for a day filled with an easy spirit and dare I say happiness?  Yes, I do dare to say.  I feel good today in all areas and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I'm going to start advertising for animal sitting at $10 per day.  Please, if it's your will, bless my little business so I can bless and take care of your animals.

I love you in good times and bad.

Your daughter,
Amy

Adjusting

Dear God,

Change certainly takes time.  I'd just as well be adjusted quickly though I know it's not good.  Too quick can be harmful.

I guess I want to do something different with my time.  I enjoy watching the Olympics.  I enjoy reading.  I have the cardiology appointment later today.  I pray my heart is okay and the abnormal ekg was a false positive.

Anyway, I feel flat.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Sunday...

Dear God,

This day is a little better than yesterday.  I showered and Tracy was right...I do feel a little better.  I'm sure my body appreciates it.

I'm watching the Olympics in London.  Watched The Netherlands win the gold for Women's Cycling (87 miles), qualifying semifinals for swimming, archery where Korea beat Mexico for the bronze and Italy beat USA for the gold, women's basketball where the USA beat Croatia, sand volleyball where the USA Men beat Great Britian, women's soccer where Great Britain beat Cameroon and I think that's it.  Gymnastics and more swimming are on today.  I love watching these games.  All of the athletes are so disciplined and inspiring.

I still feel down and honestly, not hungry.  Maybe I should listen to my body???  I don't know.  It's such an uphill battle and I am not disciplined enough to succeed.  Or is that one of my many excuses?  I don't know. I don't know.

Anyway, I'll be here.  Probably reading, probably watching TV, probably staying inside.  I don't want to socialize or anything like that.  I didn't go to church.

Love your messed up daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Getting Out

Dear God,

Today I feel fat and depressed.  Kim suggested I go for a walk at the marina and spend time outdoors.  It's a great idea and I'm going for it.

I feel sad not having Steve around.  I don't regret my decision.  I know in my heart it's the right one.  I guess it will take time to heal.  It was certainly eye opening.

Please help me obey your will for my fat body.  I struggle so much with emotional eating or boredom.  Let me hear your voice to read more or get out more.  I worry about my gas tank but I think my internal gas tank needs some attention.

Please help me learn how to take good care of myself and my house.  I don't want to be a sluggard who is at one with her couch.  I need to get out more.  Not necessarily socialize more but get out of the house more, by myself.  No shopping all the time.

I love you and I think you for Kim!!

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Saying Good-Bye

Dear God,

Well, I did it.  I broke up with Steve late Saturday afternoon.  I did it over the phone so I wouldn't get into a laundry list of what was wrong.  The bottom line is he lied to me and he lied about me to his sister.  He was quiet, no apology then the conversation abruptly ended.  It was awkward.

When he messaged me on Facebook, I felt bad for him.  He doesn't have a personal relationship with you so the idea of being alone scares and saddens him.  His need to be with someone will never fill the hole in his heart.  Only you can do that and my prayer is that he finds You soon.

Father, I grieve the loss of his good stuff.  While I can't allow anyone to treat me like a subordinate or less than equal, I will miss his smile.  Not much else, come to think of it.  All I can think of is the negative.

So, I go about my day as best I can.  He'll be here after work to pick up his things and bring mine.  I guess that will be the end.  The final good-bye.

I wish him well and place him into Your capable and trustworthy hands.

Your loving daughter,
Amy Kathleen

PS:  Please forgive me for entering into a relationship with a non-believer.  Now I understand why I need to be equally yolked.  Prayer and apology mixed with character flaws and forgiveness go a long way.  You will always be my first love.  I'm not sure what the future holds but I would like to share my life with someone who loves all of me but loves you first.

Going Home

Dear Father,

This is the day I return home from a wonderful time at Mom's.  I am overjoyed as I head home to my kitties and a new found freedom by renewing my singleness.  I don't know if you ever want me to be married or for that matter if I ever really want to be married but the prospect of someone else helping look after me is inviting.

Lord, I seek your face with all my heart.  I seek your words with all my thoughts.  I seek your mind with all my soul.  I seek your strength with all my weakness.

Please grant us a good day as we pick up Samantha and head home.  Please help me tender her precious heart with words of encouragement and love.  I have a new found love and respect for her that I did not have before.  She is one of those little people in my life who can teach me how to be a better person and friend.

I love you!  I love my family and I love my dear friends.  Please bless them with a day filled with your Holy Spirit and lots of joy and love.

I am totally and completely devoted to you!
Your loving daughter,
Amy Kathleen

A Day of Rest

Dear Father,

Another beautiful day in the Northwoods of Wisconsin.  It's soft blue skies and fluffy clouds, gentle breeze with temps in the low 70's give me a sense of hope that fall is near.  With each day passing, fall is one day nearer.

I feel much more settled in my decision about Steve.  I can be firm but kind, truthtelling without vagrant hurtful tones.  I feel set free emotionally.  I feel so much more centered in You.

I want someone who, like Annie said, will join me in prayer and even pray over me.  Someone who has money and plenty of it.  I don't want to struggle financially anymore so I'm ready to make moves and changes toward that peace.  I do need my brakes fixed and an estimate done on my car.  I need another air conditioner but maybe that will happen at the end of the season.  Only you know for sure.

These John Grisham books are wonderful!  The Litigators and The Appeal have kept my interest and a great source of kicking back into another world.  Reading The Story has opened my eyes into the love and generous mercy you display to us time after time.  Your patience and desire to have us only love you is incredibly apparant.  The courage you give us and the faith you have in our humanness is uncanny, unlike any other god.  You are the One True God!!

With a full heart and a spirit ready to head home for some new changes,
Your loving daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Still Chatting

Dear Father,

My mind continues to chatter about Steve.  I don't understand why this is so consuming.  I want to enjoy my time up here because I don't know when I'll be back. 

I pray you will open his eyes to see how much he needs you.  I pray you will cause the circumstances in his life to draw him to you.  I pray he will see his sin and want to repent.  I pray he choses to accept Jesus payment for his sin and begin a new life as a new creation in you. 

I can't help him.  He is your child, not mine.  Please help me to let go and let you do your good work. 

Love Amy Kathleen

Not Sure

Dear God,

I just read Steve's email and it bothers me.  I'm not happy and I'm not going through a lot of issues like he thinks.  My life is what it is and I accept it with all the challenges.  It's something I've come to accept.

Do I "break up" in email?  It seems kinda silly but maybe it can be that easy.  I mean we really aren't dating.  I don't know what it is but I do know I don't like it.  It's a friendship, not a dating relationship.  That's the truth and that's another thing I need to say.

I'm sad he doesn't want more but to be honest I'm sure it wouldn't work.  Maybe it's a blessing that this is coming out now before things get too weird.  A relationship takes work and h e's not willing to do the work.  He doesn't want to do any work.

So, I let him go.  I wish him well and I dont' have any regrets.  Maybe you'll provide someone who will be a better friend and companion.  Maybe I'll stay single.  I don't know. 

Anyway, please help me communicate with him the way You want me to.  I don't want to complicate it and I certainly don't want to travel a road that's unnecesssary.

Your loving daughter,
Amy Kathleen

God's Day

Dear Father,

As you already know, I'm starting this day with pain.  My back and lower abdominal region are cramping.  I'm so glad I'm not having charlie horses in my back.  Those hurt.

You're teaching me how to handle the situation with Steve.  The bottom line is I can't stand his lying.  He lies all the time.  The one lie that directly effected me is the promise to pay for my entire birthday movie but he reneged.  He'll say he offered to pay if I "needed" him to but truth is he didn't want to.  I want him to want to but I have no control over his decisions.

How do you tell a non-believer that the character trait of lying is the deal breaker?  The reason I can't have him in my life is because I have no one in my life who lies.  No one.  There are so many other reasons:  He doesn't hold my hand, he constantly walks in front of me sometimes at quite a distance, he doesn't hold doors open for me to go through first, etc.  I'm not treated like someone he respects or someone he loves.  I've made the mistake of helping him with his envelopes to the point where he didn't even sit with me when I was doing them but played on the internet.  That was aggravating.  Then the question, "Do I have enough money to go to Taco Bell?"  That's not my decision.  Telling Jodi he spent $120 on my birthday which was the biggest lie that directly involved me.  I was so shocked I couldn't respond.  Now I respond.

I respond with dignity and self-respect.  I don't want to call him in the morning to wake him up for work, I don't want to shave his back and other parts, I don't want to help him really with much of anything because he doesn't show appreciation.  He says I help him but it's not really helping.  It's enabling.  He can write out his own envelopes, fill out his own forms, be responsible for his own life without involving me.  I can let all of this go and more.  I can let him go.

My mom said Jesus is the only one who can help us with character flaws.  He's the only one, when we fully submit to being transformed into His image, who can remove those traits like lying.  He's the only one who can do it - we can't do it on our own.  Steve doesn't have Jesus.  He doesn't want Him in his life.  His comment about never going to my church might have been said to test my reaction to which I replied, "I don't care."  It's his relationship with God, not mine.

I want someone who wants to live a Christ filled life.  One who is not self-centered but others centered.  One who is not selfish but giving to those in need.  One who sees and loves people as God sees them, treats them with the respect they deserve not like a bother or people who are in his way of accomplishing something as silly as food shopping.  One who loves the sound of children's laughter and chatter even if it's during a movie.  People are not a bother - they are a reflection of God.  In all ways, created in His image.  Love.  It's all about a deeper kind of love.

Lord, you are my All in All.  You are the one I want to please the most.  You are the one I want to serve first.  You are my first love, my only real true love.  Please help me as I make this difficult choice for which there will be much joy on the other side.

Your loving daughter,
Amy Kathleen

It's Saturday

Dear God,

I'm feeling some pain this morning on the right side.  I hope I'm not passing another kidney stone, that it's back pain from rolling around in my sleep.  Please give me wisdom about how to manage the pain.

Thank you for the beautiful dream with Sheryl.  I pray her life is a restful one, without a lot of upset emotions or physical pain.  I know she struggles when she doesn't have her quite times with you.  Please grant her peace filled days with abundant grace.  I also pray her life verse for her:  "I pray that your love will grow more and more.  And let it be based on knowledge and understanding.  Then you will be able to know what is best.  You will be pure and without blame until the day Christ returns."

Lord, the book Jo recommended is a little too heavy.  The wording is too descriptive with too many visual references.  But I'm beginning to get the message.  Thankfulness.  With grace.  Sprinkled with joy.  I have a feeling, "One Thousand Gifts" is going to be a list of things I'm thankful for.  I'll press on until the end.  And thank Jo for the recommendation.

I'm still praying about Steve.  I'm not confused about what to do but more about how to do it.  I'll be listening for your whisper.  And leaning heavily into you.  I've been asking myself, "If I was talking to Sheryl, how would she counsel me?"  I can hear her voice and her words of wisdom.

Well, gotta scoot for now, Father.  Please give us a great day and bless Hopie on her birthday.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen


























i

Processing

Dear Father,

I think you are making clear what I have to say to Steve.  He used my birthday as an excuse for a withdrawl of $120 to his sister.  Made me sick and incredibly angry.  He used me.

It makes me sick.  I'm done.

Please relieve these cramps and help me to have a good day.  I really enjoy being up here.  It's so beautiful.  Help me let go of the crap so it doesn't ruin this vacation.  I miss my babies.

Love Amy Kathleen

Starting Vacation

Dear Father,

Oh the joy of getting away from daily life.  I'm feeling sad about leaving my kitties.  I know I'll miss them very much.  You'd think I'd be happy going up to my mom's but I'm just not feeling it.

Once we get going I'm sure that will change.  The getting ready part is where I'm struggling.  I pray you will help me make the right choices today.  Please surprise me in a good way for the cost of the prescriptions.  I forgot to factor that into my monthly expenses.

Well, gotta run.
I love you and ask you to bless this time with wisdom, fun and loads of laughter.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen