Dear Father,
As you already know, I'm starting this day with pain. My back and lower abdominal region are cramping. I'm so glad I'm not having charlie horses in my back. Those hurt.
You're teaching me how to handle the situation with Steve. The bottom line is I can't stand his lying. He lies all the time. The one lie that directly effected me is the promise to pay for my entire birthday movie but he reneged. He'll say he offered to pay if I "needed" him to but truth is he didn't want to. I want him to want to but I have no control over his decisions.
How do you tell a non-believer that the character trait of lying is the deal breaker? The reason I can't have him in my life is because I have no one in my life who lies. No one. There are so many other reasons: He doesn't hold my hand, he constantly walks in front of me sometimes at quite a distance, he doesn't hold doors open for me to go through first, etc. I'm not treated like someone he respects or someone he loves. I've made the mistake of helping him with his envelopes to the point where he didn't even sit with me when I was doing them but played on the internet. That was aggravating. Then the question, "Do I have enough money to go to Taco Bell?" That's not my decision. Telling Jodi he spent $120 on my birthday which was the biggest lie that directly involved me. I was so shocked I couldn't respond. Now I respond.
I respond with dignity and self-respect. I don't want to call him in the morning to wake him up for work, I don't want to shave his back and other parts, I don't want to help him really with much of anything because he doesn't show appreciation. He says I help him but it's not really helping. It's enabling. He can write out his own envelopes, fill out his own forms, be responsible for his own life without involving me. I can let all of this go and more. I can let him go.
My mom said Jesus is the only one who can help us with character flaws. He's the only one, when we fully submit to being transformed into His image, who can remove those traits like lying. He's the only one who can do it - we can't do it on our own. Steve doesn't have Jesus. He doesn't want Him in his life. His comment about never going to my church might have been said to test my reaction to which I replied, "I don't care." It's his relationship with God, not mine.
I want someone who wants to live a Christ filled life. One who is not self-centered but others centered. One who is not selfish but giving to those in need. One who sees and loves people as God sees them, treats them with the respect they deserve not like a bother or people who are in his way of accomplishing something as silly as food shopping. One who loves the sound of children's laughter and chatter even if it's during a movie. People are not a bother - they are a reflection of God. In all ways, created in His image. Love. It's all about a deeper kind of love.
Lord, you are my All in All. You are the one I want to please the most. You are the one I want to serve first. You are my first love, my only real true love. Please help me as I make this difficult choice for which there will be much joy on the other side.
Your loving daughter,
Amy Kathleen
