Pass It On

Pass It On:  God's truisms...
the glory of His goodness,
the richness of His devotion,
the outrageous love He has for us,
and the hope of an eternal life with Him.

Pass It On:  Galations 5:22...
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
and Self-Control

Pass It On:  The attributes of a good friend...
Acceptance, Blessing, Celebration, Disagreements, Encouragement, Fun, Growing, Honest, Integrity, Jovial, Kooky, Listener, Mature, Natural, Overcomes, Prayer, Quick, Reliable, Safe, Thoughtful, Unique, Vulnerable, Wise, X-cellent, Yesterdays, Z-end.

A Warm Day...An Easier Day

Dear God,
     There are times in my life when everything seems to ebb and flow.  Other times I seem to struggle and fight.  I'm learning how important it is to follow through no matter how much I struggle or how much I fight against it.
     Change is very very hard.  I'm committed to lose 110 pounds.  I want to stay integrated as I experience all the emotions connected to food, including the loss of a dependable relationship.  Not a healthy one - an unhealthy one that has be removed.

     I need to move on.
     I need to let go.
     I need to grab onto You.

     Today is another good day of food choices.

      I'm feeling more energized.
     My outlook is positive.
     My hope is secure in You.

Bless me, Father, for I have brought my sin before You and received immediate forgiveness.
Bless me, Father, for my heart's desire is to serve You and love You more.
Bless me, Father, for I want to do what is good and right in Your eyes.
Bless me, Father, for without You in my life I would be a lost and broken woman.

You are my greatest blessing!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I love you with all I have, all I am and all I dream to become.

Love and Hugs,
Amy Kathleen

Pain Pain Go Away

So what's up with my body?
Pain on the right side, near my hip bone.
Hurts quite a bit and has been a repeat customer for the last few weeks.
Kidney stone?  Nope.
Surgery?  Nope.
Bad posture?  Probably.

A little down.
Time to get Depakote refilled.
Need to make an appt to see Dr. Semenov.
Feeling discouraged.

Not showering.
Don't care about appearance.
Don't care about much.
Weather is hot.

Depression.

Body Pain

Yesterday I had a lot of body pain.
This morning I had a headache then a migraine.
Good food choices.
Need to refill Depakote.
Short.

The End

A Slow Morning

Let myself sleep in until close to 10:00.

I haven't eaten yet.

I'm afraid I'll start the cycle again.

The End

Back on the Path

Ended last night overeating.  Gave myself a cheat day with no restrictions.  Unfortunately, those days often backfire because I become numb to my body.  I don't feel full.  I overeat carbs and really anything I can get my hands on.  I'll go into debt to feed a binge.  I went $33 over what I budgeted.  Small number?  Maybe.  Maybe not.

The trouble I'm having is the chatter in my head.  The temps are in the high 80's.  I'm uncomfortable in my body, sweating and a little irritable.  I'm trying to listen with my ears and not my mouth to my nieces.  It's hard removing myself from their bickering.  I love them.  I'm a better aunt when I'm listening and not lecturing.

Today is a better day.  I felt physically and emotionally bad about my food choices.  I've been drinking water like I can't get enough.  I wanted to blow my food for the weekend but I've been trying to give myself positive feedback through changing my behavior.  It's so hard letting go of this relationship.  One that has deceived me.

Deceive me once, shame on you.
Deceive me twice, shame on me.

Taking Time For Myself

I hope yesterday is going to carry on to today and future days.
 
I honored my body, honored my need for alone time to recharge and enjoyed my time with Steve.

Today I am waiting to eat until I'm really empty.  It feels good.  Balanced.

Heading to Tina's to spend time with the girls as Dale and Ryan are gone for the weekend.  Dale and Joe are up at Mom's fishing and Ryan is appearing in his first out of state (IN) dog show.

Peace Be Still...The Father Loves You.

Mid Afternoon Writing

Flexible....Listen.....Listen....Listen

Had a GREAT time with Suzanne.  Lunching (still making excellent choices), listening, talking, walking, listening, talking, talking, listening.

It doesn't get any better than this!

Time to make my way to Steve's and plan for tomorrow at Tina's.

But for this moment, I'm going to relax.

Mid Day Writing

Quite a morning.  Attended Samantha's D.A.R.E. graduation.  It was very emotional for Tina and me.  I kept thinking about Aaron.  Are they educating kids about huffing?  Tina said she brought it up to them.

I have a headache.  I'm doing well with food choices.  No extra carbs.  Two large strawberries for mid morning snack.  Way to go, Amy!!

Meeting with a renewed friend in a few minutes.  Hope to go for a walk.  Might eat lunch.

I'm so tired and a little bit sad.

Morning Writing

I woke up today with my stomach bigger.  I'm really struggling.  This is so hard.

Believing in myself,
believing God can help me,
believing I can be thin,
believing I will feel better when I'm thin,
believing it's time to put excess food down,
believing I can make and keep the changes I'm putting into practice.

The day has started,
I will remind myself that I need to be flexible.
Don't hide anxiety or uncertainty.
Let my gut guide me.
For it is in my gut that I believe the Holy Spirit will guide me.

Carb Over Loading

Dear God,
     I really goofed today.  I decided to eat my carbs for the day in the morning.  I wasn't able to control my intake, citing I wasn't feeling full.  Not until I took those last 5 bites.
     What's wrong with me???????????????????????????
      I consciously sabotage myself.
     Then I helped Pam power wash her home and I power washed the shed all by myself.  When I was washing, I thought about rewarding myself with food for a hard morning's work.  I focused my thoughts on where I would go, what I would eat and how much I'd enjoy it better than making a meal at home.  As it turns out Pam wanted to take me out for lunch as a thank you.  I had RED FLAGS.
     First, I wasn't hungry.  Those carbs loaded me up pretty full.
     Second, I felt it was too much for me to handle.  I was sore and tired but FOOD was more important than resting and taking care of myself.
     Third, when I was at the restaurant, what I ordered did not taste good.  It was very healthy (all dark greens, spinach  and crab meat) but instead of ordering something else, I ATE SOMETHING THAT DID NOT TASTE GOOD!
     What did I learn today?
     First, don't eat all my carbs in the morning.
     Second, honor my body above food unless my stomach is growling.
     Third, don't eat food just because I don't want to hurt someones feelings.  Feelings are not food.
     Thank you for confronting me and for loving me into obedience.  I'm determined to overcome this addiction like I did alcohol.
THIS IS SO MUCH HARDER BECAUSE I AM LETTING GO OF THE STRONGHOLD OF EATING MY FEELINGS.  I HAVE BUILT INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP AND NOW IT'S TIME TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS.  THE PEOPLE KIND.  

Please help me, Lord.
I want to obey your ways.
I have tears today, missing Aaron.

Love Amy Kathleen

Change Is Possible

Change is possible.

Not all at once.
Tiny steps.
Like that of a baby learning how to walk.
Not all at once.

Change is possible.

One little change can make a difference.
Striving toward good.
Reaching for balance.
One little change can make a difference.

Change is possible.

New thoughts to process.
New images.
New behaviors.
New thoughts to process.

Change is possible.

Not all at once.
Tiny steps.
Like that of a baby learning to walk.
Not all at once.

Change One Day At A Time

One day at a time.
One sunrise, one sunset at a time.
One hour at a time.
One minute at a time.
One decision at a time.

Changing what I eat for the good of my health.  I'm doing very well today.  No pop, no binge eating, no obsessive thoughts about eating.  I have back spasms, hopefully not a kidney stone.  Weird body feelings like my period is on its way but it doesn't arrive.  More Aleve.

Not much to tell today.  Pam is getting some of her anger out.  She's using the "F" word quite a bit.  I told Steve and he laughed saying, "That must be what I'm going through!"

Time to do a household chore - put on the sheet for my bed and tidy my bedroom.

Until I write again,
Amy

Change Is Hard

I'm officially one of those people who struggle with change, even if it's for the good.

I'm noticing how unhealthy I've been eating.  No wonder I'm so overweight and lethargic.  Food to poison the body into not functionally well.  I guess it's all for the best where these changes are concerned.

A beautiful day wasted on the couch in front of the television.  Got bored at 2:00.  Planted the rose bush this morning then pulled weeds in the afternoon.  Bored.

Pam is missing (not literally).  I think she may have checked herself into the hospital.  She was home all day yesterday (Mother's Day) then gone early this morning.  I pray she is safe.  Not much I can do.

I'm trying to take care of myself.  Much less carbs than over the weekend; broke up my lettuce head; maybe feeling crappy is because these toxins are getting jammed up in my stool so they are no longer tampering with my body; fruits and veggies are fine with me.

Missing Bonnie and her family; Carol; Annie; Sue; and the old Bright Hope staff.  I wish I was able to work but for now I'm disabled.  My brain feels like scrambled eggs and the chatter in my head is back.  I know it will be an adjustment when it leaves just like it was an adjustment when it re-arrived.  

And then there's Steve.  I'm mixed up inside.  No major decisions right now.  Enjoy him, his caring and his trying to understand.  He sees it - the changes with my inability to handle a lot.

I'm going to sign off now.  I pray Julie is doing well.

Starting Daily Journaling

Today I think about my labs.  Sugars 166 and triglycerides way up.  It's indeed a motivator to change what I'm eating.  The problem is this:  How do I eat all the good stuff and give up the bad stuff?  A daunting question.

Giving up icky foods that poison my body is a lot like surrendering my sins to Jesus.  I eat my emotions, I eat when I'm not hungry, I eat for companionship and I eat when I feel depressed.  All identified; none of them helpful motivators to change.  You'd think they would be but they're not.

I've had a steady unhealthy codependent relationship with food as far back as when I was a preteen.  Eating cause there was nothing else to do, eating out of fear that dinner was going to be too long of a wait, eating becoming a part of relationships with others.  Overeating - too long for it being no good for me.

So why is it so hard to love myself?  When I was thin, wasn't I happy?  Didn't I love the attention others paid to my body?  What about the goodness and confidence I felt when I reached my goal weight?  I need to remember those things.  Things that "fed" me positive strokes.

I start tomorrow.  I start to eat one meal at a time.  I start walking.  I start to believe in myself, again.  I start becoming who God created my temple to look like.  It will be difficult but it will never be impossible.  Because, "With Christ, all things are possible."

2012

Lord, I want to know You better.
Lean on You harder,
Listen for You more often,
Laugh with You longer,
Live with You closer,
Love You deeper,
and Long for You forever.

Lord, I want to obey You better.
Raise my hands higher,
Respond quicker,
Realize Your wisdom,
Ride out the storms,
Row into new territories,
and Release my fears to You forever.

Lord, I want to change for the better.
To become the woman You created me to be.
To let go of unhealthy patterns of self destructive behavior.
To welcome truth from those who walk with You.
To enfold the lost and lead them to Your Son.
To be a beacon of light in the city on the hill.
and To accept the events that flow through Your hands.

A Day in the Life of Amy

Dear Lord,
I awoke this morning with  full blown migraine - level 10.  Awoke to another at 4:00 am to a level 5 migraine.  I took Excedrin Migraine both times.  It seems to have worked although I do have a lingering headache.  What's this all about?????

Probably stress from yesterday that wasn't processed by my body even though my mind was processing and I was talking to Pam about it.  For some reason, my body still holds onto old memories of painful relationships and new stressors of sticking to boundaries.  Kelly, Bonnie and Carol have laid heavy on my heart.  I need to get rid of these pent up emotions so I'm writing a letter to each of them as soon as I get done with this writing.

In short:
I miss my Dad for the first time since his death in Feb 2008.
I miss Bonnie for the first time since last year.
I feel scared that Kelly no longer has her chiropractic practice.

Who to write:
Dear Dad...
Dear Bonnie...
Dear Kelly...

What to write:
Dear Dad, for some odd reason I miss you right now.
Dear Bonnie, I'm not coming back to our friendship.
Dear Kelly, I am praying for your emotional and spiritual health.

Then there are these letters:
Dear Carol, I miss you so much.  I'm ready to do a closing session.
Dear Julie, You have been used by God in an instrumental way in my recovery.
Dear God, You've never given up on me.  I praise your Holy Name.

Then there are these concerns:
Dear God, I am scared about my finances.  I know I'm not perfect and I know I make mistakes.  I know I go on spending sprees yet I have nothing to show for it.  I know my purchases are not major but every dollar needs to be accounted for as not wasteful.  I have reached a body weight which makes me sick to my stomach (so to speak).  What feelings am I jamming down my throat or trying to slowly kill?

Lord, will I ever be free of the mental illness, ever be able to work, ever have hope of using the gifts you've richly bestowed upon me, ever be able to lose 110 pounds?  I don't like myself.  I don't love myself.  I loathe who I'm becoming.  Who is it?  A chronic, acute, major, severe mess.  I feel lowly when I present my broken mind, messed up life and all areas hurting (emotional and physical) up to You for healing.  I want to cut, to drink, to eat and to runaway into oblivion.  Old securities.

New behaviors:  Learning to say "no" and knowing I am loving myself and putting my needs (in a healthy way) in front of others.  Talking out loud, not in my head, about fears and/or triggers.  Taking notes during therapy so I can "ponder those things in my heart" as Mary did when she was holding baby Jesus and watching how He was being given great gifts as a new born King in a smelly manger.  Not purchasing a new knife, resisting the temptation to drink away my sorrow, looking at my arms and they do not have many scars from cutting, taking my meds when I remember (which is most of the time), reaching out for help or encouragement when I need it and accepting/asking for financial help when I most need it.

In short, I guess I'm doing about as good as anyone can under these stressors.  My faith in Christ gives me new hope every morning and every morning I get to reenlist in His army.  What joy that brings to a life that is struggling in pain.

My hope is in you, Lord.
The Maker of heaven and earth.

Love Amy Kathleen

Stressed Out

I get a call from ComEd that my electric is going to be shut off.  Called Tracy who said, "Are you sure it's your electric and not Tina's?"  No, I wasn't sure.  Found out Tina has a balance of $900 and is due immediately.

I feel misled although I didn't stay persistent in asking if the bill was being paid.
I feel angry that she didn't tell me it wasn't being paid.
I feel hurt that she didn't trust me enough to say they couldn't pay it.

I want to hide.
I have a headache.
But I have to take care of my own bills.

I'm not sure if I should pay my electric and seek help from the Salvation Army for my lot rent.
Or should I drive to Waukegan and ask for help with my electric?

I have to get this nail polish off my fingers.

End

Scattered Thoughts

Dear God,

Today my mind has been able to focus on multiple phone calls and tasks with little to no stress.  But as the day is winding down I feel a sense of urgency to sort "the pile."  It's a mess on the table.  From phone calls made to payments scheduled to physical therapy appoints to Dr. Caban to Julie.  So much in this head yet still this question rises to the top:  "Lord, what do you want to do with the relational and prayerful gifts you've bestowed upon me?"

I seek an answer to that question.  I don't know when it will be answered or how you'll provide for my relational and giving of my time to a person or a cause.

Dreams about my Dad's sexual abuse to me was a little weird.  The weirdness was me seeking him out and wanting to have sex with him.  I would find the place we could do it.  I would tell him where and what time.  He would show up and we'd have a sexual encounter where I enjoyed it and so did he.  No blood, no fear, no disassociating.  Weird.

Quite a bunch of accomplishments.
Love Amy

I Am Filled With Fear

Dear Abba,

Today and most of the last two weeks I have been filled with fear. I'm not sure what brought this on but let me tell you it's very powerful and difficult to overcome.

I wanted to have brunch with Debra. She is such a dear person from my "childhood" in twelve step groups. She's the one you had hold me for such a long time. Last night I had a sweet dream about Carol. I woke up feeling loved and cared for. Now I feel a need to connect with Marie. I don't know what these women have in common. I know they are strong, single moms, devoted followers of yours. They have been angels in my life through time, talk and touch. My three love languages.

It's already July 7th. Where have the last 30 days gone? My mom had a birthday, I had a birthday, Annie had a birthday. I feel like I'm losing a battle I haven't suited up for - at least, not suited up to win.

I know this is a silly question but do you ever feel like you're a work in progress and the laborers are taking too long? That's how I feel. My weight is a curse against me. So are the mental illnesses I have and the physical limitations. I'm not doing well accepting any of those. Perhaps I'm not supposed to?

When I get feeling this way I experience a shift. Either a mood shift, a do shift or a don't shift. You are my strength and my shield, Lord. I never want to shift away from you.

Where do I go from here? Back to the real world which is a scary, unsafe place to be. I am covered in your armor only because you wrote it in the book of Ephesians. Otherwise I would have no hope of surviving.

Love,
Amy Kathleen