Dear God,
I feel down today. Kinda blah. Lower body seizures have me concerned. I don't want to work today. I'll work tomorrow.
Want to get ready for the girls visit. Tired and down.
Cloudy day...rainy day...no energy day.
Going back to bed to watch Law & Order SVU.
Then talk with Kelly.
Then take the day off.
Work will be better tomorrow.
Lots to do today.
Please walk by my side so I don't stumble along your path of grace.
Love Amy Kathleen
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Yesterday
Aaron's funeral was one year from yesterday, April 19th. I see him layed out in the casket, black shirt, black pants, very handsome even though it was his corpse. My angel pin and cross pin were on his lapels. Many put personal things on him and around him. The flowers were to beautiful.
Neena hung onto my arm and cried when the funeral started. My friend Paula drove down from Milwaukee to be there with me. I hugged so many teenagers who were crying. Tracy and I stood with Tina and Dale, supporting them as best we could. My mom drove down, Ryan and Hope's dad (Tony) drove out from the city to be at the funeral, Mom's friends came to comfort her, Tracy's husband and step-daughters arrived to grieve their loss. 550 people packed into this little room listened to the funeral and paid their final respects. No room to park, no room to sit, no doubt Aaron was very loved.
Hope had a very hard time. She hid behind a chair in the back of the room for a long time. Tina tried getting her to come out; so did Tracy. They turned to me and said, "She'll listen to you." I asked her what was wrong. She said she wanted to be alone with Aaron to say good-bye. Fortunately everyone was gone except for the people at the funeral home. I asked if she and I could be left alone so Hope could say good-bye to her brother. Once we were alone, she stepped onto the stool and looked in.
She asked if she could touch him. I told her yes then showed her how he was still soft in areas on his face. We played with his ear lobe, pressed down on his hands and sat looking at him for a long time.
She asked if she could put a rose in his casket. I asked her what color. We went to the flowers and we each picked one out. We placed them next to Aaron then slowly said good-bye.
God has given Hope a special connection with me. She's called several times during the night crying because she feels so sad about losing Aaron. I talk to her, listen to her, and sometimes drive out to her house for a hug. It's so sad. It reminds me of my own grief and how I'm handling it.
Only God can mend a broken heart.
I pray healing for all of us who lost a beloved family member.
Amy
Neena hung onto my arm and cried when the funeral started. My friend Paula drove down from Milwaukee to be there with me. I hugged so many teenagers who were crying. Tracy and I stood with Tina and Dale, supporting them as best we could. My mom drove down, Ryan and Hope's dad (Tony) drove out from the city to be at the funeral, Mom's friends came to comfort her, Tracy's husband and step-daughters arrived to grieve their loss. 550 people packed into this little room listened to the funeral and paid their final respects. No room to park, no room to sit, no doubt Aaron was very loved.
Hope had a very hard time. She hid behind a chair in the back of the room for a long time. Tina tried getting her to come out; so did Tracy. They turned to me and said, "She'll listen to you." I asked her what was wrong. She said she wanted to be alone with Aaron to say good-bye. Fortunately everyone was gone except for the people at the funeral home. I asked if she and I could be left alone so Hope could say good-bye to her brother. Once we were alone, she stepped onto the stool and looked in.
She asked if she could touch him. I told her yes then showed her how he was still soft in areas on his face. We played with his ear lobe, pressed down on his hands and sat looking at him for a long time.
She asked if she could put a rose in his casket. I asked her what color. We went to the flowers and we each picked one out. We placed them next to Aaron then slowly said good-bye.
God has given Hope a special connection with me. She's called several times during the night crying because she feels so sad about losing Aaron. I talk to her, listen to her, and sometimes drive out to her house for a hug. It's so sad. It reminds me of my own grief and how I'm handling it.
Only God can mend a broken heart.
I pray healing for all of us who lost a beloved family member.
Amy
Monday, April 18, 2011
I Keep Looking...
Dear God,
I keep looking for Aaron but I can't find him. All I find are photos I've seen so many times. His Facebook page doesn't show any status updates posted by him. I feel empty and lost.
Will the pain ever go away? Is it possible to heal from so much loss? It's as though I've been wandering for the past year. A desert with no water; the sun scorching my skin. My heart is bleeding feelings I don't understand.
My heart bleeds. My inner being aches. My mind is a map leading nowhere. My body ingests itself. My brain is useless. My thoughts are inflicting self-harm. I catch myself before it becomes a reality.
I imagine the police knocking at my door. I imagine myself unable to open the door. I imagine being taken to the hospital. I imagine it like it was yesterday.
I wander around my house.
I'm trapped.
There's no way out of this pain.
I isolate.
I pull away from everyone. I hide deep inside my shell. Food will not kill the pain. Nothing will. I'm a ghost in a world filled with death. I'm haunted by images from the past. No one can see me. I am transparent - invisible to everyone but myself. I cut away the fat. I drown out the sorrow. I hide beneath the shame and guilt. I'm a secret to myself.
I do not commit suicide. That puts more pain on others than the temporary pain I am feeling. Dr. Wagner says, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Sometimes it's relieving to think about. Sometimes idealizing it is dangerous. I need to stay away from it today.
I feel too much pain.
.
I keep looking for Aaron but I can't find him. All I find are photos I've seen so many times. His Facebook page doesn't show any status updates posted by him. I feel empty and lost.
Will the pain ever go away? Is it possible to heal from so much loss? It's as though I've been wandering for the past year. A desert with no water; the sun scorching my skin. My heart is bleeding feelings I don't understand.
My heart bleeds. My inner being aches. My mind is a map leading nowhere. My body ingests itself. My brain is useless. My thoughts are inflicting self-harm. I catch myself before it becomes a reality.
I imagine the police knocking at my door. I imagine myself unable to open the door. I imagine being taken to the hospital. I imagine it like it was yesterday.
I wander around my house.
I'm trapped.
There's no way out of this pain.
I isolate.
I pull away from everyone. I hide deep inside my shell. Food will not kill the pain. Nothing will. I'm a ghost in a world filled with death. I'm haunted by images from the past. No one can see me. I am transparent - invisible to everyone but myself. I cut away the fat. I drown out the sorrow. I hide beneath the shame and guilt. I'm a secret to myself.
I do not commit suicide. That puts more pain on others than the temporary pain I am feeling. Dr. Wagner says, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Sometimes it's relieving to think about. Sometimes idealizing it is dangerous. I need to stay away from it today.
I feel too much pain.
.
Now what?
Dear Aaron,
A year has passed, you're still no longer near,
The days go by, then slowly disappear.
The joy you brought, to family and friends,
Is the legacy you gave, until your very end.
You are now up in Heaven, your addiction is no more,
You crossed the bridge of salvation, your resting place is sure.
Enjoy your time with Jesus, a love that knows no end,
I'm ready to give you a great big hug when my life on earth God sends.
I shall always remember you, in all the days that go by,
Your cheery face, your heart felt laugh and those big baby blue eyes.
You touched so many hurts when your friends needed you the most,
I pray you know the difference you made by teaching us not to boast.
Be at peace, my dear nephew, for in the quiet and still,
I hear your words and see you run, all according to God's will.
I love you,
Forever and Always,
Aunt Amy
A year has passed, you're still no longer near,
The days go by, then slowly disappear.
The joy you brought, to family and friends,
Is the legacy you gave, until your very end.
You are now up in Heaven, your addiction is no more,
You crossed the bridge of salvation, your resting place is sure.
Enjoy your time with Jesus, a love that knows no end,
I'm ready to give you a great big hug when my life on earth God sends.
I shall always remember you, in all the days that go by,
Your cheery face, your heart felt laugh and those big baby blue eyes.
You touched so many hurts when your friends needed you the most,
I pray you know the difference you made by teaching us not to boast.
Be at peace, my dear nephew, for in the quiet and still,
I hear your words and see you run, all according to God's will.
I love you,
Forever and Always,
Aunt Amy
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Dear Lord
Dear Lord,
Teach me to be full.
I longingly crave to weigh 140 lbs.
Discipline me as You see fit.
Love Amy
Teach me to be full.
I longingly crave to weigh 140 lbs.
Discipline me as You see fit.
Love Amy
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Time for Sorrow, Time for Pain
Dear Abba,
Such a long day. A good day. A heavy night.
I'm so tired. I feel emotionally numb.
I stare into this life wondering what's next.
You are my provider for all needs and wants.
Why do I feel so down?
It feels like an overcast is swarming above my head.
A gray hovering.
It's time for bed.
Please help Hope through the night.
Please help me with Hope.
Please bless Carol and may she be living in your peace.
I miss her, Abba.
Love,
Amy Kathleen
Such a long day. A good day. A heavy night.
I'm so tired. I feel emotionally numb.
I stare into this life wondering what's next.
You are my provider for all needs and wants.
Why do I feel so down?
It feels like an overcast is swarming above my head.
A gray hovering.
It's time for bed.
Please help Hope through the night.
Please help me with Hope.
Please bless Carol and may she be living in your peace.
I miss her, Abba.
Love,
Amy Kathleen
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Restful Weekend
Dear Abba,
Thank you for a rest filled weekend and for my friend Pam. Thank you for Marie's birthday yesterday and for Alicia's birthday in four days. Thank you for the cloudy day because I was able to give my mind and body the rest it needed. Thank you for the love of Mew - she is so sweet.
Now I lay my weight before you.
I ask you to please help me make wise choices like I did today.
I ask you to please help Marie lose weight consistently so she can reach her goal.
I ask you to please help me lose weight consistently so I can reach my goal.
If I can shed it a little at a time, I think I'll be okay.
But if You think I should take drastic measures, please allow my ears to hear You. I don't want to miss anything You have to say.
Thank you for my family.
Please bless Tina and Dale's marriage and protect it from harm.
Please bless Tracy and Bill's marriage and the changes they are experiencing.
Please bless my mom with weight loss and a greater self-esteem.
Please bless Ryan with a sound mind and good judgment.
Please bless Hope with less migraines and encouragement.
Please bless Samantha with stamina for the rest of her school year.
Please bless Alicia with good health.
Please bless Joe in his new relationship. Draw him closer to You.
Please bless Jonny and protect him from self-harm.
Please bless Chelsea as she adjusts to moving and leaving her friends/boyfriend.
Please bless Neena as she adjusts to moving and leaving her friends.
Please comfort Chelsea and Neena as they grieve separation from their Dad.
And Aaron, Lord. I know he's with you safe from everything that made his life miserable. I'm so sorry I didn't do more for him. Please give him a huge hug from me, complete with tears that still flow freely down my cheeks. I love him and I miss him so much.
Thirteen more days.
Your beautiful daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Thank you for a rest filled weekend and for my friend Pam. Thank you for Marie's birthday yesterday and for Alicia's birthday in four days. Thank you for the cloudy day because I was able to give my mind and body the rest it needed. Thank you for the love of Mew - she is so sweet.
Now I lay my weight before you.
I ask you to please help me make wise choices like I did today.
I ask you to please help Marie lose weight consistently so she can reach her goal.
I ask you to please help me lose weight consistently so I can reach my goal.
If I can shed it a little at a time, I think I'll be okay.
But if You think I should take drastic measures, please allow my ears to hear You. I don't want to miss anything You have to say.
Thank you for my family.
Please bless Tina and Dale's marriage and protect it from harm.
Please bless Tracy and Bill's marriage and the changes they are experiencing.
Please bless my mom with weight loss and a greater self-esteem.
Please bless Ryan with a sound mind and good judgment.
Please bless Hope with less migraines and encouragement.
Please bless Samantha with stamina for the rest of her school year.
Please bless Alicia with good health.
Please bless Joe in his new relationship. Draw him closer to You.
Please bless Jonny and protect him from self-harm.
Please bless Chelsea as she adjusts to moving and leaving her friends/boyfriend.
Please bless Neena as she adjusts to moving and leaving her friends.
Please comfort Chelsea and Neena as they grieve separation from their Dad.
And Aaron, Lord. I know he's with you safe from everything that made his life miserable. I'm so sorry I didn't do more for him. Please give him a huge hug from me, complete with tears that still flow freely down my cheeks. I love him and I miss him so much.
Thirteen more days.
Your beautiful daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Mindless Day
Dear Father,
Thank you for the mindless day. One where I could keep errands simple then watch television for hours. It really helped to unload these burdens that are weighing me down.
I praise you for my friend Pam. She's a great buddy!
Thank you for Marie who is growing closer.
I praise you for my family.
Thank you for my health.
I praise you for discernment about taking care of myself.
Thank you for Your Omnipresence. I feel safe with you.
I'm excited to go to church tomorrow.
I'm going to try NC on Wednesday night.
Please help Marie and I to listen to Your whisper as we retrain our hunger and our thoughts toward healthy food choices. Continue giving Marie restraint even though it's her birthday. May she glorify You in all she says and does.
Please help me to make wise food choices especially when I am at my weakest point.
Love Amy
Thank you for the mindless day. One where I could keep errands simple then watch television for hours. It really helped to unload these burdens that are weighing me down.
I praise you for my friend Pam. She's a great buddy!
Thank you for Marie who is growing closer.
I praise you for my family.
Thank you for my health.
I praise you for discernment about taking care of myself.
Thank you for Your Omnipresence. I feel safe with you.
I'm excited to go to church tomorrow.
I'm going to try NC on Wednesday night.
Please help Marie and I to listen to Your whisper as we retrain our hunger and our thoughts toward healthy food choices. Continue giving Marie restraint even though it's her birthday. May she glorify You in all she says and does.
Please help me to make wise food choices especially when I am at my weakest point.
Love Amy
Friday, April 1, 2011
Burdens I Carry
Dear Father,
I am getting lazy with weight loss. I had a bad eating night last night and for lunch today. I don't want to be this size anymore. I keep thinking it's going to be quick but it's not. Annie said it's going to be a steady decline and a friend of hers took a full year to lose 100 pounds. You'd think I'd be encouraged by that but I'm not.
Working is making me so tired. I've been thinking about Carol and more often Bonnie. I'm embarrassed by the extra weight. I keep thinking if I try to do this then try to do that it will melt off. Am I obsessing again??????
Ugh. I'm going to lay down and rest.
Thanks for never giving up on me when I give up on myself.
I want to do and be my best for you.
What's it going to take??????
I wonder.
Love Amy
I am getting lazy with weight loss. I had a bad eating night last night and for lunch today. I don't want to be this size anymore. I keep thinking it's going to be quick but it's not. Annie said it's going to be a steady decline and a friend of hers took a full year to lose 100 pounds. You'd think I'd be encouraged by that but I'm not.
Working is making me so tired. I've been thinking about Carol and more often Bonnie. I'm embarrassed by the extra weight. I keep thinking if I try to do this then try to do that it will melt off. Am I obsessing again??????
Ugh. I'm going to lay down and rest.
Thanks for never giving up on me when I give up on myself.
I want to do and be my best for you.
What's it going to take??????
I wonder.
Love Amy
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