A Rainy Day, A Thought Filled Day

Dear God,

What great joy I have in my heart from Laurie's email.  Thank you for the good work You are accomplishing in her life.  Thank you for her openness to change.  Thank you for the courage she show's time after time during deep struggles.

Thank you for Jo!  She's such a sweetheart.  I'm so grateful you reconnected us and both of us got the hint.

Thank you for Pam.  She is a solid rock upon which I can lean on.  Please help her heart to heal.

Thank you for my sisters and my mom.  You've blessed us with love and forgiveness with a splash of funny.  You are the only reason we are still together.

Thank you for Steve, Dale and Bill.  Men who have high integrity, who love us where we are.  I pray Steve will choose a personal relationship with You.

Thank you for Joe, Aaron, Jonny, Chelsea, Neena, Ryan, Hope, Samantha and Alicia.  Nine beauties all created by you.  Each of them a personal blessing.

Thank you for Kitten, Lizzie, Midnight, Patches, Ruby, Benjamin, Dusty, Shadow, Prince, Jack, Malone, Mo-Mo and Tommy (for Amy), Missydog, Justin and Usher (for Tina's family), Dukie and Mew for Tracy and Bill, and let's not forget Frank for Mom.  All pet lovers, all perfect pets, each with their own songs and nicknames.

Thank you for Kim.  A reuniting of two kindred spirits.  Please help her grieving process.

Thank you for Suzanne.  An honest fellow struggler who seeks peace.  Please bless her with some.

Thank you for our housing, our income, our spiritual gifts, our health, our families, our pets, our joys and our sorrows.  Only then can we truly appreciate the fullness of this life as we transition into the next.

With great love and adoration,
Your faithful daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Thinking Better

What do you do when you take yourself all medications and your body seems to be doing better?  I'm going to keep doing it.  The two things I've noticed are headaches in the morning and head chatter at night.  Since I'm not taking the Lorazepam it seems to be more effective with just one milligram.  Likewise, the headaches are starting to fade without any pain medication.  Now if my right hip would get back into alignment...

For the first time I was able to read through the weekly grocery ads.  I wrote out a list of things I'd like to purchase, mostly for the entire month of June.  With the exception of fruits and veggies, most of these items will last.  I'm still going to utilize the food pantry but bring my grocery list with me.  That way I can try to find the items and save even more money.  The next thing to do is a menu.

I like spending time reading ads.  It regenerates my brain.  I feel smart and since I'm taking the time and energy to write all of this down and calculate an approximate cost for each store, I can honestly say this is time well spent.

Not a lot of TV watching today.  In fact only two hours.  Showered, clean clothes and list making.  Definitely a very productive day.

Thanks, God!!!!

Another Day

Oh, it's Tuesday.
Not much going on inside or outside.
Much cooler temps even better tomorrow.
Food is okay.
Want to start weighing and measuring.
This is really hard.
Not as easy as when you're doing it with a roommate.

My back has been hurting, I'm headachy.
Chatter last night called for a Lorazepam.
Up at 5:00.
Back to sleep until???

Trying to stay present.

Hot Hot Hot

To say 97 degrees is hot is an understatement.  I'm so grateful for air conditioning and fans.  I've been able to work on small household tasks.  Definitely one of those days when, as mom says, to not move around too much.

Yesterday I ate too much.  One big can of baked beans then Steve and I picked up cheeseburgers from Luke's.  I had a taste for hamburger.  It's good I honored that craving.  I did drink diet coke and indulged myself with some fried mushrooms.

Today I've been eating a little at a time.  I'm not sure eating two avocados in one day is wise.  It sure tasted good!  Remembering to incorporate veggies, too.

It's a good day.  Steve gave me a great way to cope with other people's anger.  He suggested I take myself to a happy place and detach from the other person's anger.  I shared I come unglued, get fearful inside, even when the anger is not directed at me.  Being around he and Pam during their angry times is very hard.  I'm not sure what I fear but I suspect it has something to do with my dad's explosive anger including very bad swear words. I hope I remember to put his suggestion into play.

God, please guide Tracy as she searches for more meaning of who you are and the people in the Bible.  Please give her peace as she decides on the tattoo.  Increase her desire to seek You as You have sought her.

I love you, Lord.
And thanks for the money from my mom.

Love Amy Kathleen

Pass It On

Pass It On:  God's truisms...
the glory of His goodness,
the richness of His devotion,
the outrageous love He has for us,
and the hope of an eternal life with Him.

Pass It On:  Galations 5:22...
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
and Self-Control

Pass It On:  The attributes of a good friend...
Acceptance, Blessing, Celebration, Disagreements, Encouragement, Fun, Growing, Honest, Integrity, Jovial, Kooky, Listener, Mature, Natural, Overcomes, Prayer, Quick, Reliable, Safe, Thoughtful, Unique, Vulnerable, Wise, X-cellent, Yesterdays, Z-end.

A Warm Day...An Easier Day

Dear God,
     There are times in my life when everything seems to ebb and flow.  Other times I seem to struggle and fight.  I'm learning how important it is to follow through no matter how much I struggle or how much I fight against it.
     Change is very very hard.  I'm committed to lose 110 pounds.  I want to stay integrated as I experience all the emotions connected to food, including the loss of a dependable relationship.  Not a healthy one - an unhealthy one that has be removed.

     I need to move on.
     I need to let go.
     I need to grab onto You.

     Today is another good day of food choices.

      I'm feeling more energized.
     My outlook is positive.
     My hope is secure in You.

Bless me, Father, for I have brought my sin before You and received immediate forgiveness.
Bless me, Father, for my heart's desire is to serve You and love You more.
Bless me, Father, for I want to do what is good and right in Your eyes.
Bless me, Father, for without You in my life I would be a lost and broken woman.

You are my greatest blessing!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I love you with all I have, all I am and all I dream to become.

Love and Hugs,
Amy Kathleen

Pain Pain Go Away

So what's up with my body?
Pain on the right side, near my hip bone.
Hurts quite a bit and has been a repeat customer for the last few weeks.
Kidney stone?  Nope.
Surgery?  Nope.
Bad posture?  Probably.

A little down.
Time to get Depakote refilled.
Need to make an appt to see Dr. Semenov.
Feeling discouraged.

Not showering.
Don't care about appearance.
Don't care about much.
Weather is hot.

Depression.

Body Pain

Yesterday I had a lot of body pain.
This morning I had a headache then a migraine.
Good food choices.
Need to refill Depakote.
Short.

The End

A Slow Morning

Let myself sleep in until close to 10:00.

I haven't eaten yet.

I'm afraid I'll start the cycle again.

The End

Back on the Path

Ended last night overeating.  Gave myself a cheat day with no restrictions.  Unfortunately, those days often backfire because I become numb to my body.  I don't feel full.  I overeat carbs and really anything I can get my hands on.  I'll go into debt to feed a binge.  I went $33 over what I budgeted.  Small number?  Maybe.  Maybe not.

The trouble I'm having is the chatter in my head.  The temps are in the high 80's.  I'm uncomfortable in my body, sweating and a little irritable.  I'm trying to listen with my ears and not my mouth to my nieces.  It's hard removing myself from their bickering.  I love them.  I'm a better aunt when I'm listening and not lecturing.

Today is a better day.  I felt physically and emotionally bad about my food choices.  I've been drinking water like I can't get enough.  I wanted to blow my food for the weekend but I've been trying to give myself positive feedback through changing my behavior.  It's so hard letting go of this relationship.  One that has deceived me.

Deceive me once, shame on you.
Deceive me twice, shame on me.

Taking Time For Myself

I hope yesterday is going to carry on to today and future days.
 
I honored my body, honored my need for alone time to recharge and enjoyed my time with Steve.

Today I am waiting to eat until I'm really empty.  It feels good.  Balanced.

Heading to Tina's to spend time with the girls as Dale and Ryan are gone for the weekend.  Dale and Joe are up at Mom's fishing and Ryan is appearing in his first out of state (IN) dog show.

Peace Be Still...The Father Loves You.

Mid Afternoon Writing

Flexible....Listen.....Listen....Listen

Had a GREAT time with Suzanne.  Lunching (still making excellent choices), listening, talking, walking, listening, talking, talking, listening.

It doesn't get any better than this!

Time to make my way to Steve's and plan for tomorrow at Tina's.

But for this moment, I'm going to relax.

Mid Day Writing

Quite a morning.  Attended Samantha's D.A.R.E. graduation.  It was very emotional for Tina and me.  I kept thinking about Aaron.  Are they educating kids about huffing?  Tina said she brought it up to them.

I have a headache.  I'm doing well with food choices.  No extra carbs.  Two large strawberries for mid morning snack.  Way to go, Amy!!

Meeting with a renewed friend in a few minutes.  Hope to go for a walk.  Might eat lunch.

I'm so tired and a little bit sad.

Morning Writing

I woke up today with my stomach bigger.  I'm really struggling.  This is so hard.

Believing in myself,
believing God can help me,
believing I can be thin,
believing I will feel better when I'm thin,
believing it's time to put excess food down,
believing I can make and keep the changes I'm putting into practice.

The day has started,
I will remind myself that I need to be flexible.
Don't hide anxiety or uncertainty.
Let my gut guide me.
For it is in my gut that I believe the Holy Spirit will guide me.

Carb Over Loading

Dear God,
     I really goofed today.  I decided to eat my carbs for the day in the morning.  I wasn't able to control my intake, citing I wasn't feeling full.  Not until I took those last 5 bites.
     What's wrong with me???????????????????????????
      I consciously sabotage myself.
     Then I helped Pam power wash her home and I power washed the shed all by myself.  When I was washing, I thought about rewarding myself with food for a hard morning's work.  I focused my thoughts on where I would go, what I would eat and how much I'd enjoy it better than making a meal at home.  As it turns out Pam wanted to take me out for lunch as a thank you.  I had RED FLAGS.
     First, I wasn't hungry.  Those carbs loaded me up pretty full.
     Second, I felt it was too much for me to handle.  I was sore and tired but FOOD was more important than resting and taking care of myself.
     Third, when I was at the restaurant, what I ordered did not taste good.  It was very healthy (all dark greens, spinach  and crab meat) but instead of ordering something else, I ATE SOMETHING THAT DID NOT TASTE GOOD!
     What did I learn today?
     First, don't eat all my carbs in the morning.
     Second, honor my body above food unless my stomach is growling.
     Third, don't eat food just because I don't want to hurt someones feelings.  Feelings are not food.
     Thank you for confronting me and for loving me into obedience.  I'm determined to overcome this addiction like I did alcohol.
THIS IS SO MUCH HARDER BECAUSE I AM LETTING GO OF THE STRONGHOLD OF EATING MY FEELINGS.  I HAVE BUILT INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP AND NOW IT'S TIME TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS.  THE PEOPLE KIND.  

Please help me, Lord.
I want to obey your ways.
I have tears today, missing Aaron.

Love Amy Kathleen

Change Is Possible

Change is possible.

Not all at once.
Tiny steps.
Like that of a baby learning how to walk.
Not all at once.

Change is possible.

One little change can make a difference.
Striving toward good.
Reaching for balance.
One little change can make a difference.

Change is possible.

New thoughts to process.
New images.
New behaviors.
New thoughts to process.

Change is possible.

Not all at once.
Tiny steps.
Like that of a baby learning to walk.
Not all at once.

Change One Day At A Time

One day at a time.
One sunrise, one sunset at a time.
One hour at a time.
One minute at a time.
One decision at a time.

Changing what I eat for the good of my health.  I'm doing very well today.  No pop, no binge eating, no obsessive thoughts about eating.  I have back spasms, hopefully not a kidney stone.  Weird body feelings like my period is on its way but it doesn't arrive.  More Aleve.

Not much to tell today.  Pam is getting some of her anger out.  She's using the "F" word quite a bit.  I told Steve and he laughed saying, "That must be what I'm going through!"

Time to do a household chore - put on the sheet for my bed and tidy my bedroom.

Until I write again,
Amy

Change Is Hard

I'm officially one of those people who struggle with change, even if it's for the good.

I'm noticing how unhealthy I've been eating.  No wonder I'm so overweight and lethargic.  Food to poison the body into not functionally well.  I guess it's all for the best where these changes are concerned.

A beautiful day wasted on the couch in front of the television.  Got bored at 2:00.  Planted the rose bush this morning then pulled weeds in the afternoon.  Bored.

Pam is missing (not literally).  I think she may have checked herself into the hospital.  She was home all day yesterday (Mother's Day) then gone early this morning.  I pray she is safe.  Not much I can do.

I'm trying to take care of myself.  Much less carbs than over the weekend; broke up my lettuce head; maybe feeling crappy is because these toxins are getting jammed up in my stool so they are no longer tampering with my body; fruits and veggies are fine with me.

Missing Bonnie and her family; Carol; Annie; Sue; and the old Bright Hope staff.  I wish I was able to work but for now I'm disabled.  My brain feels like scrambled eggs and the chatter in my head is back.  I know it will be an adjustment when it leaves just like it was an adjustment when it re-arrived.  

And then there's Steve.  I'm mixed up inside.  No major decisions right now.  Enjoy him, his caring and his trying to understand.  He sees it - the changes with my inability to handle a lot.

I'm going to sign off now.  I pray Julie is doing well.

Starting Daily Journaling

Today I think about my labs.  Sugars 166 and triglycerides way up.  It's indeed a motivator to change what I'm eating.  The problem is this:  How do I eat all the good stuff and give up the bad stuff?  A daunting question.

Giving up icky foods that poison my body is a lot like surrendering my sins to Jesus.  I eat my emotions, I eat when I'm not hungry, I eat for companionship and I eat when I feel depressed.  All identified; none of them helpful motivators to change.  You'd think they would be but they're not.

I've had a steady unhealthy codependent relationship with food as far back as when I was a preteen.  Eating cause there was nothing else to do, eating out of fear that dinner was going to be too long of a wait, eating becoming a part of relationships with others.  Overeating - too long for it being no good for me.

So why is it so hard to love myself?  When I was thin, wasn't I happy?  Didn't I love the attention others paid to my body?  What about the goodness and confidence I felt when I reached my goal weight?  I need to remember those things.  Things that "fed" me positive strokes.

I start tomorrow.  I start to eat one meal at a time.  I start walking.  I start to believe in myself, again.  I start becoming who God created my temple to look like.  It will be difficult but it will never be impossible.  Because, "With Christ, all things are possible."