A Day in the Life of Amy

Dear Lord,
I awoke this morning with  full blown migraine - level 10.  Awoke to another at 4:00 am to a level 5 migraine.  I took Excedrin Migraine both times.  It seems to have worked although I do have a lingering headache.  What's this all about?????

Probably stress from yesterday that wasn't processed by my body even though my mind was processing and I was talking to Pam about it.  For some reason, my body still holds onto old memories of painful relationships and new stressors of sticking to boundaries.  Kelly, Bonnie and Carol have laid heavy on my heart.  I need to get rid of these pent up emotions so I'm writing a letter to each of them as soon as I get done with this writing.

In short:
I miss my Dad for the first time since his death in Feb 2008.
I miss Bonnie for the first time since last year.
I feel scared that Kelly no longer has her chiropractic practice.

Who to write:
Dear Dad...
Dear Bonnie...
Dear Kelly...

What to write:
Dear Dad, for some odd reason I miss you right now.
Dear Bonnie, I'm not coming back to our friendship.
Dear Kelly, I am praying for your emotional and spiritual health.

Then there are these letters:
Dear Carol, I miss you so much.  I'm ready to do a closing session.
Dear Julie, You have been used by God in an instrumental way in my recovery.
Dear God, You've never given up on me.  I praise your Holy Name.

Then there are these concerns:
Dear God, I am scared about my finances.  I know I'm not perfect and I know I make mistakes.  I know I go on spending sprees yet I have nothing to show for it.  I know my purchases are not major but every dollar needs to be accounted for as not wasteful.  I have reached a body weight which makes me sick to my stomach (so to speak).  What feelings am I jamming down my throat or trying to slowly kill?

Lord, will I ever be free of the mental illness, ever be able to work, ever have hope of using the gifts you've richly bestowed upon me, ever be able to lose 110 pounds?  I don't like myself.  I don't love myself.  I loathe who I'm becoming.  Who is it?  A chronic, acute, major, severe mess.  I feel lowly when I present my broken mind, messed up life and all areas hurting (emotional and physical) up to You for healing.  I want to cut, to drink, to eat and to runaway into oblivion.  Old securities.

New behaviors:  Learning to say "no" and knowing I am loving myself and putting my needs (in a healthy way) in front of others.  Talking out loud, not in my head, about fears and/or triggers.  Taking notes during therapy so I can "ponder those things in my heart" as Mary did when she was holding baby Jesus and watching how He was being given great gifts as a new born King in a smelly manger.  Not purchasing a new knife, resisting the temptation to drink away my sorrow, looking at my arms and they do not have many scars from cutting, taking my meds when I remember (which is most of the time), reaching out for help or encouragement when I need it and accepting/asking for financial help when I most need it.

In short, I guess I'm doing about as good as anyone can under these stressors.  My faith in Christ gives me new hope every morning and every morning I get to reenlist in His army.  What joy that brings to a life that is struggling in pain.

My hope is in you, Lord.
The Maker of heaven and earth.

Love Amy Kathleen

Stressed Out

I get a call from ComEd that my electric is going to be shut off.  Called Tracy who said, "Are you sure it's your electric and not Tina's?"  No, I wasn't sure.  Found out Tina has a balance of $900 and is due immediately.

I feel misled although I didn't stay persistent in asking if the bill was being paid.
I feel angry that she didn't tell me it wasn't being paid.
I feel hurt that she didn't trust me enough to say they couldn't pay it.

I want to hide.
I have a headache.
But I have to take care of my own bills.

I'm not sure if I should pay my electric and seek help from the Salvation Army for my lot rent.
Or should I drive to Waukegan and ask for help with my electric?

I have to get this nail polish off my fingers.

End

Scattered Thoughts

Dear God,

Today my mind has been able to focus on multiple phone calls and tasks with little to no stress.  But as the day is winding down I feel a sense of urgency to sort "the pile."  It's a mess on the table.  From phone calls made to payments scheduled to physical therapy appoints to Dr. Caban to Julie.  So much in this head yet still this question rises to the top:  "Lord, what do you want to do with the relational and prayerful gifts you've bestowed upon me?"

I seek an answer to that question.  I don't know when it will be answered or how you'll provide for my relational and giving of my time to a person or a cause.

Dreams about my Dad's sexual abuse to me was a little weird.  The weirdness was me seeking him out and wanting to have sex with him.  I would find the place we could do it.  I would tell him where and what time.  He would show up and we'd have a sexual encounter where I enjoyed it and so did he.  No blood, no fear, no disassociating.  Weird.

Quite a bunch of accomplishments.
Love Amy

I Am Filled With Fear

Dear Abba,

Today and most of the last two weeks I have been filled with fear. I'm not sure what brought this on but let me tell you it's very powerful and difficult to overcome.

I wanted to have brunch with Debra. She is such a dear person from my "childhood" in twelve step groups. She's the one you had hold me for such a long time. Last night I had a sweet dream about Carol. I woke up feeling loved and cared for. Now I feel a need to connect with Marie. I don't know what these women have in common. I know they are strong, single moms, devoted followers of yours. They have been angels in my life through time, talk and touch. My three love languages.

It's already July 7th. Where have the last 30 days gone? My mom had a birthday, I had a birthday, Annie had a birthday. I feel like I'm losing a battle I haven't suited up for - at least, not suited up to win.

I know this is a silly question but do you ever feel like you're a work in progress and the laborers are taking too long? That's how I feel. My weight is a curse against me. So are the mental illnesses I have and the physical limitations. I'm not doing well accepting any of those. Perhaps I'm not supposed to?

When I get feeling this way I experience a shift. Either a mood shift, a do shift or a don't shift. You are my strength and my shield, Lord. I never want to shift away from you.

Where do I go from here? Back to the real world which is a scary, unsafe place to be. I am covered in your armor only because you wrote it in the book of Ephesians. Otherwise I would have no hope of surviving.

Love,
Amy Kathleen

You are my strength, O God

Dear Abba,

It's been a rough month to say the least. I don't remember much of May. I'm struggling to remember this past week. What I do remember is Kim's dad passing away after a long and arduous process. I pray you will give her peace; a peace beyond all understanding.

Abba, I'm weak and feeble minded. I went for a walk. My back hurt, my legs felt stiff and I was feeling depressed being outside. Like my home is the safest place to be and venturing out of my car then into fresh air is a mental fight. Why is it so difficult???

My house is a mess. I haven't the energy to clean. I'm keeping up with the cat boxes but I have stuff strewn about. My bedroom floor needs vacuuming, the bathroom needs a good rub down, the living room has cups and such gathered all around and the kitchen, well, actually the kitchen is fine.

I'm so sleepy. Is it the medication not being in balance? Is it the thought of moving to Tucson? Is it laziness? All I know is I love these little kittens at the sacrifice of throwing away a couple of these floor mats! Too much to get them clean. I think if I throw those away and do a quick vacuum I'll feel much better.

Abba, what about the air conditioner? Please guide me. Thank you for Jo and Tracy's gifts. I'm worried about the cost of the Cymbalta/Lorazepam, too. So much on my mind - a real need to be able to give it all to you. I keep repeating this sentence: "Amy, God has always met your needs. He's not going to stop now." Oh, I know this is true yet my spirit is so burdened. Lift these doubts and stomp out these fears, O God. For you are my refuge, my hiding place. It's in you that I dwell; it's you on whom I call. It's you I trust the most and you I hide from the most.

You have blessed me with healthy friendships with people who are not afraid of mental illness. I pray for Bonnie - that she will find the next best friend that's meant to walk with her in her journey. I thank you for the time she and I shared together. There will never be another Pokey. That much I'm sure of.

Please bless my small group, please guide Tina and Dale and Dante and Sid. Please speak clearly to Marie and bless her with unshakable energy that can only come from you. Please forgive my follies - they are too numerous to mention. You see into my heart how much I want to please you...to obey you. Create in me a clean heart, O Lord. I will worship you forever.

Be my light, my guide, my father, my all in all, the One on whom I rest my spirit. I love you so much, Abba. Please tell Aaron I said hi and I miss him very much.

Your loving daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Last Day of May

Dear Abba,
My heart hurts for the loss of Mitch. I guess I should know by the loss of Smudge that you would allow the death of both kitties to pass through your hands. I admit I have too many kitties but I don't wish them harm. Please comfort my heart.

I am at a loss for words if you can believe it. I'm so hot. Time for a long shower. I feel sad. I'm so tired.

Time for a shower.
Time to reflect.
Time to clean the bathroom.

Love Amy

Feeling Down

Dear God,
I feel down today. Kinda blah. Lower body seizures have me concerned. I don't want to work today. I'll work tomorrow.

Want to get ready for the girls visit. Tired and down.

Cloudy day...rainy day...no energy day.

Going back to bed to watch Law & Order SVU.
Then talk with Kelly.
Then take the day off.

Work will be better tomorrow.
Lots to do today.

Please walk by my side so I don't stumble along your path of grace.

Love Amy Kathleen

Yesterday

Aaron's funeral was one year from yesterday, April 19th. I see him layed out in the casket, black shirt, black pants, very handsome even though it was his corpse. My angel pin and cross pin were on his lapels. Many put personal things on him and around him. The flowers were to beautiful.

Neena hung onto my arm and cried when the funeral started. My friend Paula drove down from Milwaukee to be there with me. I hugged so many teenagers who were crying. Tracy and I stood with Tina and Dale, supporting them as best we could. My mom drove down, Ryan and Hope's dad (Tony) drove out from the city to be at the funeral, Mom's friends came to comfort her, Tracy's husband and step-daughters arrived to grieve their loss. 550 people packed into this little room listened to the funeral and paid their final respects. No room to park, no room to sit, no doubt Aaron was very loved.

Hope had a very hard time. She hid behind a chair in the back of the room for a long time. Tina tried getting her to come out; so did Tracy. They turned to me and said, "She'll listen to you." I asked her what was wrong. She said she wanted to be alone with Aaron to say good-bye. Fortunately everyone was gone except for the people at the funeral home. I asked if she and I could be left alone so Hope could say good-bye to her brother. Once we were alone, she stepped onto the stool and looked in.

She asked if she could touch him. I told her yes then showed her how he was still soft in areas on his face. We played with his ear lobe, pressed down on his hands and sat looking at him for a long time.

She asked if she could put a rose in his casket. I asked her what color. We went to the flowers and we each picked one out. We placed them next to Aaron then slowly said good-bye.

God has given Hope a special connection with me. She's called several times during the night crying because she feels so sad about losing Aaron. I talk to her, listen to her, and sometimes drive out to her house for a hug. It's so sad. It reminds me of my own grief and how I'm handling it.

Only God can mend a broken heart.
I pray healing for all of us who lost a beloved family member.
Amy

I Keep Looking...

Dear God,

I keep looking for Aaron but I can't find him. All I find are photos I've seen so many times. His Facebook page doesn't show any status updates posted by him. I feel empty and lost.

Will the pain ever go away? Is it possible to heal from so much loss? It's as though I've been wandering for the past year. A desert with no water; the sun scorching my skin. My heart is bleeding feelings I don't understand.

My heart bleeds. My inner being aches. My mind is a map leading nowhere. My body ingests itself. My brain is useless. My thoughts are inflicting self-harm. I catch myself before it becomes a reality.

I imagine the police knocking at my door. I imagine myself unable to open the door. I imagine being taken to the hospital. I imagine it like it was yesterday.

I wander around my house.
I'm trapped.
There's no way out of this pain.
I isolate.

I pull away from everyone. I hide deep inside my shell. Food will not kill the pain. Nothing will. I'm a ghost in a world filled with death. I'm haunted by images from the past. No one can see me. I am transparent - invisible to everyone but myself. I cut away the fat. I drown out the sorrow. I hide beneath the shame and guilt. I'm a secret to myself.

I do not commit suicide. That puts more pain on others than the temporary pain I am feeling. Dr. Wagner says, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Sometimes it's relieving to think about. Sometimes idealizing it is dangerous. I need to stay away from it today.

I feel too much pain.

.

Now what?

Dear Aaron,

A year has passed, you're still no longer near,
The days go by, then slowly disappear.
The joy you brought, to family and friends,
Is the legacy you gave, until your very end.

You are now up in Heaven, your addiction is no more,
You crossed the bridge of salvation, your resting place is sure.
Enjoy your time with Jesus, a love that knows no end,
I'm ready to give you a great big hug when my life on earth God sends.

I shall always remember you, in all the days that go by,
Your cheery face, your heart felt laugh and those big baby blue eyes.
You touched so many hurts when your friends needed you the most,
I pray you know the difference you made by teaching us not to boast.

Be at peace, my dear nephew, for in the quiet and still,
I hear your words and see you run, all according to God's will.

I love you,
Forever and Always,
Aunt Amy

The day after

Nothing is the same.

Dear Lord

Dear Lord,

Teach me to be full.
I longingly crave to weigh 140 lbs.
Discipline me as You see fit.

Love Amy

Time for Sorrow, Time for Pain

Dear Abba,

Such a long day. A good day. A heavy night.
I'm so tired. I feel emotionally numb.
I stare into this life wondering what's next.
You are my provider for all needs and wants.

Why do I feel so down?
It feels like an overcast is swarming above my head.
A gray hovering.

It's time for bed.
Please help Hope through the night.
Please help me with Hope.
Please bless Carol and may she be living in your peace.
I miss her, Abba.

Love,
Amy Kathleen

Restful Weekend

Dear Abba,

Thank you for a rest filled weekend and for my friend Pam. Thank you for Marie's birthday yesterday and for Alicia's birthday in four days. Thank you for the cloudy day because I was able to give my mind and body the rest it needed. Thank you for the love of Mew - she is so sweet.

Now I lay my weight before you.
I ask you to please help me make wise choices like I did today.
I ask you to please help Marie lose weight consistently so she can reach her goal.
I ask you to please help me lose weight consistently so I can reach my goal.
If I can shed it a little at a time, I think I'll be okay.
But if You think I should take drastic measures, please allow my ears to hear You. I don't want to miss anything You have to say.

Thank you for my family.
Please bless Tina and Dale's marriage and protect it from harm.
Please bless Tracy and Bill's marriage and the changes they are experiencing.
Please bless my mom with weight loss and a greater self-esteem.
Please bless Ryan with a sound mind and good judgment.
Please bless Hope with less migraines and encouragement.
Please bless Samantha with stamina for the rest of her school year.
Please bless Alicia with good health.
Please bless Joe in his new relationship. Draw him closer to You.
Please bless Jonny and protect him from self-harm.
Please bless Chelsea as she adjusts to moving and leaving her friends/boyfriend.
Please bless Neena as she adjusts to moving and leaving her friends.
Please comfort Chelsea and Neena as they grieve separation from their Dad.

And Aaron, Lord. I know he's with you safe from everything that made his life miserable. I'm so sorry I didn't do more for him. Please give him a huge hug from me, complete with tears that still flow freely down my cheeks. I love him and I miss him so much.

Thirteen more days.

Your beautiful daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Mindless Day

Dear Father,

Thank you for the mindless day. One where I could keep errands simple then watch television for hours. It really helped to unload these burdens that are weighing me down.

I praise you for my friend Pam. She's a great buddy!
Thank you for Marie who is growing closer.
I praise you for my family.
Thank you for my health.
I praise you for discernment about taking care of myself.
Thank you for Your Omnipresence. I feel safe with you.

I'm excited to go to church tomorrow.
I'm going to try NC on Wednesday night.
Please help Marie and I to listen to Your whisper as we retrain our hunger and our thoughts toward healthy food choices. Continue giving Marie restraint even though it's her birthday. May she glorify You in all she says and does.

Please help me to make wise food choices especially when I am at my weakest point.

Love Amy

Burdens I Carry

Dear Father,

I am getting lazy with weight loss. I had a bad eating night last night and for lunch today. I don't want to be this size anymore. I keep thinking it's going to be quick but it's not. Annie said it's going to be a steady decline and a friend of hers took a full year to lose 100 pounds. You'd think I'd be encouraged by that but I'm not.

Working is making me so tired. I've been thinking about Carol and more often Bonnie. I'm embarrassed by the extra weight. I keep thinking if I try to do this then try to do that it will melt off. Am I obsessing again??????

Ugh. I'm going to lay down and rest.

Thanks for never giving up on me when I give up on myself.
I want to do and be my best for you.
What's it going to take??????
I wonder.

Love Amy

Blessed Be Your Name

Dear God,

Today is a busy day. I'd rather be busy than bored. I'm doing some work for You, heading over to Tracy and Bill's to check on the kitties then to the neurologist.

Going to study the products for half an hour, make calls for an hour then document for another half hour.

I'm nervous about talking to someone. Please let me feel confident and friendly, not ill equipped and scared.

Lord, you are the one on whom I call.
Please guide me and grant me success.
I'd like to earn more money so I can rest comfortably.
I'd like the WCA to be blessed by and through my efforts.

May this day and all days forward be a blessing to You.

Love Amy Kathleen

Thinking

Dear God,

I sit here at my desk wondering what to do. I've already worked, taken a walk, eaten my meals and checked email. Now what do I do?

My back is still hurting. I can lay down to rest. I can watch some DVD's I haven't yet viewed.

I can watch TV episodes online. I can play the guitar. I can color.

Hm. I think I'll color and rest. And listen to beautiful music.

Thanks, God!
Love Amy Kathleen

Bored

Dear God,

I'm bored, tired, sore and depressed.
Went to church this morning.
It was great!!

Signed up for classes starting next week.
Looking forward to Celebration of Hope.
Just feeling down.

Aaron's one year is quickly approaching.
I need to let Kelly know in case my calls seem less.
Sometimes I need a distraction.
Maybe making calls to churches is really good.

I'm antsy, bouncing my legs, want to eat anything in sight.
Trying to calm down but don't know how.
Maybe I'll watch a movie in bed.
Put on a clean sheet and snuggle in.

Good night,
Love Amy Kathleen

Acronym

Stressed Thinking Obsessed Mylanta Arguing Can't Help

Arrested Childlike Hovering Excuses

Stomach ache. Rolling, Rumbling, Soley, Stumbling.

Mind is full, Body aches,
Back in pain, Something breaks.

A glimmer of light, Slowly peers in,
I see a dark shadow, Again and again.

Nowhere am I safe, Nowhere am I found,
I dig a deeper hole, Into the underground.

Lies and deception, Creep around my head,
If I'm not careful, I'll wind up a tire tread.

Showing a path I want to go down,
Lead by Jesus, He knows His way around.

Come for me quickly Lord, I say with no more fear,
Let my loved ones know this: That you are always near!!

I love you, Lord!
Amy Kathleen

Cry Day

Dear Father,

Today seems to be a cry day.
I sit here in awe of who you are.
Your mighty works,
Your wonderous deeds,
Your faithful comfort,
Your provision for needs.

You alone are the One I praise.
From the depths of my soul,
To the ancient of days.
I am steadfast in Your will,
Guiding my hands and feet,
Even when I am still.

Your name, Jesus, I call on at night.
When I hear scary footsteps,
Creeping down the hall,
I cry out to you,
For you are my All in All.

Tears of sadness,
Tears of grace,
Tears flowing down,
My childlike face.

It's you on whom I depend.
It's you on whom I call.
It's you I want to please with my life.
For you gave up everything,
For the sake of us all!

Plans for Me

Lord, what are your plans for me?
I know they are good, filled with purpose.
I know they will shape me into the image of Christ.
I wonder how you're going to do this?

While talking with Mike yesterday, I expressed a desire to return to Bright Hope.
We had an honest discussion about my health.
I told him the only person I stay in touch with is Annie.
I didn't know about the "walk out" in 2009.

I think I'm ready to return to work, Lord.
I'm so bored at home.
I'd like to return part time then full time.
I'd like to return to Bright Hope.

If that's your desire for me, please make it so.
If not, please help me prosper with the WCA.
If you want me part time in both ministries,
Show me how to do it in a healthy way.

I love you, Lord.
I won't make any movements until you say so.
The contract with the WCA is still being reviewed.
My prayer is that I move forward into your plan.

Love,
Amy Kathleen

Physically Drained

Dear God,

I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. I want to take two sleeping pills so that my body can rest undisturbed by noises or other distractions.

I miss Aaron.
I miss him very much.

Love Amy

Dear God,

It's me, Lord, coming to you with a broken heart. I knew these emotions would float up to the top when I spent some time listening to a song that reminds me of Aaron's death. He's gone, Lord. He's gone from this earth. His family and friends who love and miss him are trying to live everyday without him. For many it's difficult to bear.

All I can do is remember him.
18 years old.
Love comes with risk.
Aaron was worth the risk.

Aaron's 11 months

Aaron's beautiful smile

My dearest Aaron,
Tomorrow is the eleventh month since your untimely death.  I hold back tears of sadness, afraid I will break down again.  When you were just a little guy you had so many smarts and a zeal for taking life by its horns.  Even then you stood out from your brothers.  I'm so sorry you were abused as a child.  For all the abuse.  I wish I could have done something to prevent you and your brothers from getting hurt.  I wish I would have spent more time with you, building into you and helping you to see how much your Creator adores who you are.  You have the most beautiful smile.  You were so easy going.  I liked your long hair, crazy socks, and expressive outter wear.  You were a man living in his own castle undisturbed by others opinions.  You were wise to listen to the right people who built into you and improved a natural strength.  You had to endure so much.  I think that's why people were drawn to you.  You could understand their pain and problems without judgment or shame.  I'm still mad at you for huffing your life away.  I know you didn't mean to die.  I know you thought it wasn't going to happen to you.  It did and I miss you.
Love Aunt Amy 

Dear Dad

In two days it will be three years since you passed away. I feel very sad today, sad to the point of deep sorrow and tears, that you left me without saying good-bye. What did I do that was so hurtful? Why did you abandon me in your greatest time of need? Why didn't you let me serve you by helping with your daily care? I don't understand.

I've been having dreams about you. Most recently, last night. We were in the car and you were driving. I was the age I am today, 43 years old. We drove past Great America and you commented on the "ride" that takes you way way up. I told you it's awesome to see all the way to Indiana, Wisconsin and Iowa. I told you it's a far ride up but at one point you lose your fear of heights. I know that was a concern for you. You commented, "I'd like to be able to see that far." As I typed those words, I am reminded you died blind.

Are you able to see me? See your family? Watch all the things God is bringing to fruition in our lives? Can you hear us? Can you hear the obedience and sorrow when Tina, Tracy and I seek the comfort of God? Where are you? Are you fully healed, physically and emotionally? I don't know where you are.

Right now, you are appearing in my dreams. One with sexual abuse; the other one without. One where I can feel your mustache on my face; the other where I can see you laughing and sharing a good time with Tina and I. You are both people. I miss your laughter, my coming over to your house and you handing me a Mug root beer just like you'd hand someone a cold beer. We'd sit down at the kitchen table where you asked how things are going in my life. All of this healed our relationship, before your colon cancer, before your blindness, before you denied each of your daughters a chance to say goodbye. What were you so afraid of?  I wonder.

Tina, Tracy and I have worked our separate 12 step programs, brought our concerns to the foot of the cross, talked it out with Mom and were prepared to say goodbye. Unfortunately, you (or Joan) decided it wasn't necessary that we said goodbye. I remember Dale coming home after picking up the Christmas gifts for your grandchildren. He said your house smelled like air freshener, trying to disguise the smell of bowel. When he looked at you he could see the progression of cancer. He told me (and Tina) if we had anything left to say to you, make sure we did it quickly. He believed (from the experience he had with his dad dying from cancer) that we had three months or less to make our peace.

I was at peace not to see you. But that didn't mean I wanted you to die not knowing how much I loved you and forgave you for the sins committed against me. That Jesus broke the power of Satan over my grief where my childhood and innocence were stolen from me, by you and other adults. I'd forgiven you for these abuses and so many other abuses you dealt me.

Then you died. I was at work when my phone rang. It was Tracy. She told me Dale had called her regarding your death. She was on her way to your house. When she arrived the Coroner was there and they were removing your body. Sorrow and tears immediately broke through and two of my dearest friends held me as I cried. Annie called Carol. Carol had a cancellation. Donald and Annie drove me to Wheaton to talk and cry with her. Before we drove away from Bright Hope, Tracy called back to let me know we were being given one hour the next morning to say our goodbyes. Then you were going to be cremated. It was less than 24 hours after we were notified about your passing.

Is that the way you wanted it? Or is that how Joan was punishing us? Did you really want my name not mentioned in the obituary? Or was that Joan making sure I felt even more remorse, suggesting you'd denied my existence? I'll never know, will I? God has blessed me with peace regarding that omission. I am His daughter, my name is written in His Book of Life and I trust He will not blot me out of existence denying He ever knew me. You see, He created me in Mom's womb.  Jesus affirms my birth on this sin-filled planet. You and Joan do not have the power to deny my existence. God Almighty knows my name and I hope He knew your name, too.

I don't like you and yet I miss you. I don't want you back but I do love you. I don't think about you everyday but I wish you peace. That's all I can do. You chose your eternal destination before the end of your life and I hope you chose the way that leads to an eternal life with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

I won't know what happened to you until I reach His Glorious Kingdom. Truth be told, I doubt I'll be thinking of you or looking for you on that day. Instead, I will praise my Abba who never abused me, reassures me of His unconditional love and desires a closer relationship. Not because He needs me (as you did) but because He knows how much I need Him.

Your earthly daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Down and Out

Dear Lord,

I feel sad and depressed again. Why is my body struggling in so much pain? I guess I shouldn't have jogged that short distance. My back during the night didn't appreciate it. My neck is still so sore. I have a low grade migraine and my throat hurts.

Amy's Psalm 1

Oh Lord my God, hear me as I pray.
I am deeply troubled by the silence I seek.
My head is filled with clutter.
I know you are preparing me to work.
How I long to be free from besetting sins.

Please here me as I pray, O Lord.
You are the One on whom I call.
Your righteousness is what I seek.
Your discipline never leaves a mark on my body.
I am weary, Abba, oh so weary.

This time together is scary.
In my heart I desire intimacy with the One I love.
I don't want to push you away or
Blame you for my iniquities.
I want a deeper relationship with you.

Show me what to do, Father.
Take me by the hand and
Lead me beside your still waters.
Let me soak up the sunshine as I
Lay in your grassy fields.
Surround me with Your faith so that
I would grow in my faith.

Body Aches and Pains

Dear God,

My neck has been stiff many days this week. I don't know if I'm sleeping wrong or bottling up emotions.

Today is Cathy's 3 year death anniversary.
The 16th is Aaron's 10 month death anniversary.
The 21st is my Dad's 3 year anniversary.

Too much death. How do I deal with the emotions attached to each of them?
Is there a way to separate them?
Doubtful.

I feel depressed again. Isolated. Protected. Downcast.

The pain of loss cannot be completely healed.

Love Amy Kathleen

Depression and Headaches

I feel exhausted when I wake up.
I feel exhausted when I go to sleep.
I feel exhausted when I try to do a chore.
I feel exhausted when I sit bored.

All I want to do is sleep. Is it depression?
Could be. My medicine has changed since I don't have
Medicaid. Medicare doesn't start until March 1st.
I have to call about a part F plan.
Should do that today.
Should.

Would rather sleep all day.
Have to read a chapter in SG study.
Have to read bible study.
Have to sleep...so so tired.

I hope this day will pass quicker than yesterday.

Lord, help me to do what you want me to do.
I have a small amount of energy that I'd like to use
for slumber. Love Amy

Weight. Wait. Weight

How did I become this fat person? 

What am I trying to communicate through my fat?

Don't touch me.  Don't love me.  Don't come close to me.  Don't try intimacy. I'll hurt you by withdrawing; I'll leave you before you leave me.  Then I'll retreat and hide inside my shell of protection...my fat.  I will smile on the outside and cry on the inside.  I'll laugh so you think I'm okay but then I breakdown in silent tears, alone.  I choose all of this because I'm afraid when I change you won't like me anymore.  Isn't that sad????

From Grief Share:

Your Emotions
Day 58

Your emotions can be intense, draining, and hard to hold back; 

they are tangled up inside of you and run deep.

Everyone goes through some unexpected emotions, and it helps 

for you to identify and sort out the emotions that apply to you. 

This is part of the healing process.

Which emotions describe what you are feeling?

denial, rage, loneliness
rejection, confusion, helplessness
guilt, anxiety, disappointment
anger, sadness, resentment
jealousy, inadequacy, vindictiveness
fear, envy, depression
pain, dread, bitterness
loss, anguish, dismay
sorrow, betrayal, abandonment
apathy, distrust, lack of control

The other feelings I can identify are memories & scars from the past, a hurting heart, lost courage, despair, grief from the pit of all things dark, and dreams about the sexual abuse with my Dad, so many medical problems/issues since Aug 2006.

This month...Cathy's death Feb 12 (3 years)

This month...Tina's birthday Feb 14

This month...Aaron's death Feb 16 (10 months)

This month...Dad's death Feb 21 (3 years)

This month...Uncle Eddie's death Feb ?? (2 yrs;Dad's brother)

No wonder I'm so fat. 

I've gained 40 pounds since Jan 2008. 

I weighed 185 then 225.

Why?

Lack of love for self during a long time of suffering

and feeling completely alone. 

Friends or "Friends?"

Dear Abba,

Last night and this morning I've been struggling with who I really want in my life. I cleaned out my Facebook friends narrowing it down to 60 (most of which are family). This morning I cleaned out my email, deleting groups and deleting people. It feels cleansing and also a bit lonely.

It seems I've booted out Bonnie and her family. That's the biggest one. I don't fit there anymore. I did at one time, for a season. It makes me sad but I think it's a healthy decision. I haven't told her yet. Maybe it will fall by the wayside like it has been for four years.

I'm worried about these suicidal thoughts. I know in my gut I won't hurt myself. I've had ideations of cutting and drinking. Why am I going back in history with old ways of coping? They never worked and left me feeling worse than I had in the first place.

I'm thinking this is grief trying to come out.  I cried for awhile last night into my safe blankets and pillow.  I didn't overeat (another miracle).  It looks as if I'm trying to grieve yet the tear ducts get clogged with thoughts of coping in a harmful way.  Maybe it's the intensity of what or how I'm feeling.

Today I will lay low, resting, reading and sleeping.  I know sleeping is a sign of depression but that's all I have right now.  I hope Chris can meet me at McHenry County tonight.  If not, I have a big decision to make.  Not based on Marie's hopes but based on what I can handle.  Maybe a little stretch but it feels like jumping off a bridge hooked to a bungee cord.  Nevertheless, I'll consult with You first.

I'm so glad you brought Sue and Kim back into my life.  They're such solid believers.  Kim says, "We've got your back," and Sue says, "Always here Amy. Looking forward to building on it."  What can get better than that?  I can't handle a lot of true friendships.  There's only room for Jesus' example.

The three:  Tina, Tracy, Mom
The twelve:  Pam, Laurie, Marie, Jo, Annie, Ranne, Kim, Sue, Soni, SG, Donald and Dale.
The multitudes:  Everyone else

Thank you for the faithful, Lord.
Your sad daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Tears & Fears

Dear Abba,

Today has been a weird thoughts kind of day. I feel lonely yet I'm not doing anything about it. Now I feel sad, missing Aaron. He would have a blast with the Packers/Bears game this weekend. I ache to see him and hold him.

If I were ever granted one wish it would be for you to send Aaron back. I doubt he'd want to come back because of the splendid glory which surrounds him but still, even a full day with him would be so filling.

I deleted Bonnie and her family from my Facebook page. It seems right since we really don't have a friendship anymore. She's going her way and I'm going mine. I don't want to hurt her. I don't think it's a surprise.

I'll miss the kids but will they miss me? I doubt it. I'm a distant memory in their minds, someone who was once special to them but no more. I guess the mental illness cost more than I thought.

I believe you removed people, unsafe people from my life. Stephanie, Jill, CR @ LGCC, Bonnie, Kelly, BHI staff, and those I can't remember. Thank you for Carol, Jeff, Pam, Laurie, Marie (and small group), Jo, Ranne, Annie/Donald, my family and my extended family. I cry for myself because I miss Aaron so much. All these deaths, Lord. All the stress. So much in so little time.

You are my strength when I am weak, you are my eyes when I cannot see, you are the breath of my own soul, you are the only one who knows - everything. I love you with all the broken pieces of my heart, Lord.

Love your growing daughter,
Amy Kathleen

*Except for the "baby" part, these are my words to Jesus.

Freaky Feelings

Dear Abba,

Today I'm having a hard time trying to identify my feelings. My brain is scattered, I feel like eating everything not nailed down, my glasses broke so I'm using an old pair, I don't have insurance this month and I'm worried about how much Medicare and a supplemental policy are going to cost. I guess I'm anxious and feeling depressed at the same time.

But is it really anxiety and is it really depression? Or is this another stage of the grief process where you just feel broken and the pieces are scattered all over the place? I don't know.

I want to hide in my house. I want to stay in bed with a bag of chips and dip. Fortunately, I don't have either. I want to stop whatever is going on inside of me and I want to stop it now. How do I do it?

I'll read my bible study, read my book. I'll keep my eyes and ears open to your whispers. Maybe I can read our next chapter for small group. Maybe I can color. Nothing seems to matter. I have no hope.

I'm worried about Hope, my niece. She's your precious daughter, Lord. Please help her with the anxiety and sadness. Please don't let her flunk out of 6th grade. Please give her the strength she needs to get through each day. Please give wisdom to Tina and Dale as they try to discern what's best for their daughter. She's very sensitive. Please help her manage her emotions. If I can do anything to help please prompt me.

Wow. I think that was it, Lord. Now I feel unshackled. My heart is lighter. I'm not trying to escape. I actually feel better after that prayer.

Thanks, Lord.
Love Amy Kathleen

A Time To Mourn

Dear Abba,

Tuesday night was a time to mourn. It came out of left field, just like most grieving emotions. It happened at small group and it happened to me.

I hadn't talked about Aaron's death until that night. I laid my heart out. It was safe. But even in safety came the flood of fear. Fear of rejection, of intellect, of not being believed, of being chastised for not sharing until now, and a whole list of other beliefs.

I loved Aaron. It was so hard to see him grow up. The things he went through I understood. I've been there. Why didn't he let us help him? Instead he sought comfort in huffing poisonous gasses and fumes. He didn't mean to die but still he died.

Maybe some day I can talk about it more.
But for today, I will cry when I need to.

I love you, Abba.
With all my heart can give You.

Amy Kathleen

Being Comfortable

Dear God,

I wonder what it's like to be comfortable. In church, in my family, in therapy, in doctors treatment, in small group, in relationships, etc.

What does being comfortable mean? Here are some descriptive words that might help: contented, cheerful, easy, at rest, relaxed, untroubled, healthy, soothed, relieved, strengthened, restored, snug, cozy, warm, sheltered, protected, cared for, appropriate, spacious and restful.

Sounds like bliss, doesn't it? As I read those words I can better understand "comfortable" comes with many faces. Lord, how do I find comfort in you? Do I daily practice disciplines that will draw me closer to You?

I'm hoping daily journaling, praying and reading will show me more about who You are rather than who I make You out to be. I have a long road ahead of me, Father. I know your rod and staff will draw comfort whether You are lovingly guiding me or gently disciplining me.

You are not an abuser like my Dad and others who hurt me.
You are neither male nor female - You act as One.
You are I AM.

I submit my morning to You. May Alicia and I be blessed by our time together for her Alicia Day!

I love you, Father.
As best as any broken kid can.
Amy Kathleen

A New Year Has Come

Dear God,

For the past week I've been filled with thoughts regarding the stronghold eating has in my day to day activities. I'm an emotional eater whether I'm happy, sad, angry or grieving. I fully submit this sin to you. Honestly, I'm afraid to let it go.

This besetting sin has bound me. It cuts me off from good health. I want what You want for my body and the rest of my life. I want to be forever healthy.

Here's my covenant to You for 2011:

First, I will greet you in the morning and evening no matter how I'm feeling.
Second, I will take all meds when they are supposed to be taken.
Third, I will record calories, measure body and share via talk/email with Marie.
Forth, I will read my daily bible study and Grief Share email.
Fifth, I will read the Disciples Fast at least once a week.
Sixth, I will give myself solitude when tough emotions surface.
Seventh, I will pray for the needs of others.
Eighth, I will surround myself with healthy people.
Ninth, I will listen for your whispers then obey them to the best of my ability.
Tenth, I will keep a blog to express my feelings and write when I hear from You.

I won't be perfect.
This sin has deep roots that need to be pulled out.
I know you love me just as I am.
I know you have plans to draw me closer to you.
I know you want to give me a brighter future filled with hope.
Someday, I hope to return to Carol for support in this change.

I will fast on Mondays and Thursdays for one year to break the begetting sin of gluttony.

Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.

Your struggling daughter, Amy Kathleen