Dear God,
Today started with incredible pain, a level 10 for sure. I didn't go to the er because I wasn't sure I should. After taking Aleve the pain subsided but reared its ugly head at 9:00. Complete with tears, I took more Aleve and waited. Once it kicked in, I was okay. Got another flare up, took more Aleve. Was able to go to lunch with Kim and Suzanne.
I feel so bad for Kim. She's really struggling and in a lot of emotional pain. Please help her through this very tough time.
Please help Suzanne to put healthy boundaries in place.
Please guide me with Steve. Please guide me with this pain. Please help me continue making healthy food choices.
I love you, Lord.
Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Headaches
Dear God,
After many hours of feeling sorry for myself, I pulled myself out of the dump and went with Steven to Wauconda Fest. It was good to get out of my house. It was good to take a shower.
I have to tell you I'm sick of being in pain. It's my head, my back, my legs or anything else. I hurt and it hurts to hurt. I'm so glad Pam is coming home tomorrow. I feel relieved that she is alive. Not dead like she could have been. The fear of losing her is more than I can bear.
I'm bleeding again. My right flank hurts. Kidney or back? Probably my back.
I enjoyed church today. Especially enjoyed seeing Marie. Excellent message. I want to know you more, I want to serve you. How do I do that? I want to work so my finances aren't so tight. But I still haven't learned how to live within my means. I feel like a total failure.
Just want to sleep. Going to get the rice sock. Have to cool off this head.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
After many hours of feeling sorry for myself, I pulled myself out of the dump and went with Steven to Wauconda Fest. It was good to get out of my house. It was good to take a shower.
I have to tell you I'm sick of being in pain. It's my head, my back, my legs or anything else. I hurt and it hurts to hurt. I'm so glad Pam is coming home tomorrow. I feel relieved that she is alive. Not dead like she could have been. The fear of losing her is more than I can bear.
I'm bleeding again. My right flank hurts. Kidney or back? Probably my back.
I enjoyed church today. Especially enjoyed seeing Marie. Excellent message. I want to know you more, I want to serve you. How do I do that? I want to work so my finances aren't so tight. But I still haven't learned how to live within my means. I feel like a total failure.
Just want to sleep. Going to get the rice sock. Have to cool off this head.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Saturday, June 23, 2012
I Hate Myself
I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself. I'm such a fuck up. I can't do anything right or stick with anything that's good for me. I continually screw up my finances and my fat sucky self. I overeat, I can't manage to not overdraw my account and in general, I feel fucked up.
I'm so angry at Pam. I'm so angry at myself. I would cut but I don't do that anymore. I would drink but I don't do that anymore. I would kill myself but I don't think like that anymore. All of my coping tools are gone so what's left? My fucked up self.
What's going on, Amy? I can't sleep, I can't rest, my stupid head won't shut the hell up. Over and over again I miss Bonnie and Carey. I can't stand Corey. I dream about them and it hurts. I'm such a fuck up.
I don't wish death because of what it will do to others but if I had a choice, I would get the hell out of here in a damn hurry. No where to run to...no where to hide. Get a gun, shoot it so I can feel powerful and in control. I'm not in control. Something else is.
What? Feelings. Feelings I can't manage. I'm overcome with feelings. All sorts of them. I want Carol but I can't afford to see her. I really can't. It sucks. I suck.
Get the hell out of here. Out of this place of misery. Too many feelings, too many thoughts, too many negative thoughts, too much depression.
I hate everything about my body.
I'm so angry at Pam. I'm so angry at myself. I would cut but I don't do that anymore. I would drink but I don't do that anymore. I would kill myself but I don't think like that anymore. All of my coping tools are gone so what's left? My fucked up self.
What's going on, Amy? I can't sleep, I can't rest, my stupid head won't shut the hell up. Over and over again I miss Bonnie and Carey. I can't stand Corey. I dream about them and it hurts. I'm such a fuck up.
I don't wish death because of what it will do to others but if I had a choice, I would get the hell out of here in a damn hurry. No where to run to...no where to hide. Get a gun, shoot it so I can feel powerful and in control. I'm not in control. Something else is.
What? Feelings. Feelings I can't manage. I'm overcome with feelings. All sorts of them. I want Carol but I can't afford to see her. I really can't. It sucks. I suck.
Get the hell out of here. Out of this place of misery. Too many feelings, too many thoughts, too many negative thoughts, too much depression.
I hate everything about my body.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Weight, again
A long battle,
A painful battle,
One I hope to win,
Only with God's intervention, teaching and HELP!
A painful battle,
One I hope to win,
Only with God's intervention, teaching and HELP!
Love Me More Than You Love Food
That's all.
The title says it.
Love God more than I love food.
Okay.
The title says it.
Love God more than I love food.
Okay.
What To Write
Dear God,
I am struggling today with the weather being so hot outside. I feel confined to my house though I know I can go outside at any time. It's weighing the heat against staying comfortable. Comfort wins!
I'm struggling with my new way of eating. I see how my body gains and loses weight so easily. Having it lose weight is still a little unnerving. Not as much as it used to be. Thank you.
I miss Carol. I miss her laugh, her counsel and her tears. I pray if it be Your will that I see her that all those details will come together for Your Good. Not my will but Yours be done.
Time to read. "The Story." Good book. After all, it's Your book made simpler for little brains like mine that struggle reading the same thing over and over. No complaints. I'm just saying. :)
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
I am struggling today with the weather being so hot outside. I feel confined to my house though I know I can go outside at any time. It's weighing the heat against staying comfortable. Comfort wins!
I'm struggling with my new way of eating. I see how my body gains and loses weight so easily. Having it lose weight is still a little unnerving. Not as much as it used to be. Thank you.
I miss Carol. I miss her laugh, her counsel and her tears. I pray if it be Your will that I see her that all those details will come together for Your Good. Not my will but Yours be done.
Time to read. "The Story." Good book. After all, it's Your book made simpler for little brains like mine that struggle reading the same thing over and over. No complaints. I'm just saying. :)
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Living
Dear God,
I have a headache and I don't feel well. My back is hurting, my eyes are tired and my spirit is dim. The light is going out but I want it to stay lit.
I'll miss my Shadow's nursing on my ears. The tender cuddling, the little suckle noises and his deep eyes that expressed his love and life. It's hard to see the blood on the road. I pray for rain if only to wash away his death.
I'm so sleepy.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
I have a headache and I don't feel well. My back is hurting, my eyes are tired and my spirit is dim. The light is going out but I want it to stay lit.
I'll miss my Shadow's nursing on my ears. The tender cuddling, the little suckle noises and his deep eyes that expressed his love and life. It's hard to see the blood on the road. I pray for rain if only to wash away his death.
I'm so sleepy.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Friday, June 15, 2012
My Hearts Is Sad
Dear God,
Yesterday was a good day. A day I ate my sorrow over Shadow. Since his death, I'm struggling. I feel very sad. He wasn't there to get into my earrings when I slid open the door to get my toothbrush. I miss him. I miss his deep eyes when we'd look at each other. So full of Shadow...
I feel depressed. I know it's normal to grieve, to feel sad, to be down. My body hurts because of the humidity. I am one big ache.
I gained 8 pounds in 48 hours. How the heck did that happen? No wonder my weight has been so screwy.
I guess I'll start no sugar except for tea tomorrow. I already blew today.
I love you.
Give Shadow a big squeeze and kisses from me.
Tell him how much I miss him - how much he was loved - even when he was a pain.
Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Yesterday was a good day. A day I ate my sorrow over Shadow. Since his death, I'm struggling. I feel very sad. He wasn't there to get into my earrings when I slid open the door to get my toothbrush. I miss him. I miss his deep eyes when we'd look at each other. So full of Shadow...
I feel depressed. I know it's normal to grieve, to feel sad, to be down. My body hurts because of the humidity. I am one big ache.
I gained 8 pounds in 48 hours. How the heck did that happen? No wonder my weight has been so screwy.
I guess I'll start no sugar except for tea tomorrow. I already blew today.
I love you.
Give Shadow a big squeeze and kisses from me.
Tell him how much I miss him - how much he was loved - even when he was a pain.
Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Down 10 lbs!!!
Dear God,
Thank you for the wonderful conversation with Marie yesterday. I was saddened by Shadow's sudden death. I was able to talk with her about him and so much more. Thank you for her love and friendship.
I'm thinking a lot about Bonnie. I really miss her. It's hard not to be able to integrate she and her family into my new life. I mourn her loss, the loss of Tom and the loss of the kids. I loved them with all my heart. I still love them. Maybe this will change someday? I'm open to it.
I was nervous stepping onto the scale this morning although I did suspect I'd lost more weight. I have! Down from 246 to 236 since the beginning of May. I'm getting ready to reduce the carbs although I've already taken solid steps toward that goal. I'm not drinking any more soda and I've really reduced the sugars. I'm going to stick with this plan. My stomach is reducing in size so portion control has been better. My mental and emotional status is balanced. Being off all those meds is contributing to my overall health. I feel so good.
I'm enjoying the book, "The Story." I'm really getting into it as it progresses into my favorite parts of the Old Testament. Your provision for Your people is quite spectacular. Watching them as they grow in their faith is also quite a treat. I'm so glad You wrote your book of love for us, for me. It's quite personal as I relate to my brothers and sisters who struggled with trust so many years ago.
Please help Pam, Steven, Kim, Laurie and my family as we grieve the loss of loved ones. You are our great God who comforts the brokenhearted. Please help Tracy as she adjusts to being back to work. Please continue to draw Mario toward you and give Bill/Chelsea what they need in order to share Jesus' love for him. Please help Christine with that same request. May she be surrounded by those who know You and can share Your hope with her. Please help Laurie with her writing and the concerns of her heart. Help her to walk closely beside You, feeling Your presence throughout her days. Please give my Mom and I a great conversation this morning; Tina and Dale financial security; Hope excitement for camp; Ryan protection as he's driving and a deep desire to return to church; Samantha comfort for the loss of Shadow and friends to spend time playing; Alicia for her spiritual growth; Joe for coming to know the real You; Jonny for employment and an opportunity to hear about the love of Jesus; Lacey the patience for little Skye and an opportunity to hear about the love of Jesus; and for Aaron...I know he's with You, Lord. Tell him how much I miss him. For Marie, blessings with the book, "7." For Suzanne, healing rain come pouring down. For Annie, blessings with the resale shop. For Donald, protection for his health and financial blessings. For Jo, peace in her heart and motivation to lose weight. For Soni, continued weight management and healing for the loss of her Dad. For me, a tighter relationship with You so that all things that were once impossible come true.
You are my All in All.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Thank you for the wonderful conversation with Marie yesterday. I was saddened by Shadow's sudden death. I was able to talk with her about him and so much more. Thank you for her love and friendship.
I'm thinking a lot about Bonnie. I really miss her. It's hard not to be able to integrate she and her family into my new life. I mourn her loss, the loss of Tom and the loss of the kids. I loved them with all my heart. I still love them. Maybe this will change someday? I'm open to it.
I was nervous stepping onto the scale this morning although I did suspect I'd lost more weight. I have! Down from 246 to 236 since the beginning of May. I'm getting ready to reduce the carbs although I've already taken solid steps toward that goal. I'm not drinking any more soda and I've really reduced the sugars. I'm going to stick with this plan. My stomach is reducing in size so portion control has been better. My mental and emotional status is balanced. Being off all those meds is contributing to my overall health. I feel so good.
I'm enjoying the book, "The Story." I'm really getting into it as it progresses into my favorite parts of the Old Testament. Your provision for Your people is quite spectacular. Watching them as they grow in their faith is also quite a treat. I'm so glad You wrote your book of love for us, for me. It's quite personal as I relate to my brothers and sisters who struggled with trust so many years ago.
Please help Pam, Steven, Kim, Laurie and my family as we grieve the loss of loved ones. You are our great God who comforts the brokenhearted. Please help Tracy as she adjusts to being back to work. Please continue to draw Mario toward you and give Bill/Chelsea what they need in order to share Jesus' love for him. Please help Christine with that same request. May she be surrounded by those who know You and can share Your hope with her. Please help Laurie with her writing and the concerns of her heart. Help her to walk closely beside You, feeling Your presence throughout her days. Please give my Mom and I a great conversation this morning; Tina and Dale financial security; Hope excitement for camp; Ryan protection as he's driving and a deep desire to return to church; Samantha comfort for the loss of Shadow and friends to spend time playing; Alicia for her spiritual growth; Joe for coming to know the real You; Jonny for employment and an opportunity to hear about the love of Jesus; Lacey the patience for little Skye and an opportunity to hear about the love of Jesus; and for Aaron...I know he's with You, Lord. Tell him how much I miss him. For Marie, blessings with the book, "7." For Suzanne, healing rain come pouring down. For Annie, blessings with the resale shop. For Donald, protection for his health and financial blessings. For Jo, peace in her heart and motivation to lose weight. For Soni, continued weight management and healing for the loss of her Dad. For me, a tighter relationship with You so that all things that were once impossible come true.
You are my All in All.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I love you, Shad
Dear God,
My heart is broken over the death of Shadow. I found him near the side of the road when Pam and I were returning from errands. How shocked I was to find him where he was.
I will miss him so much. He was a bit of a pain but that was Shadow. He'd constantly walk across my keyboard, pick on Kitten and then he'd be so sweet. He was sitting in my bedroom window this morning, enjoying the cool breeze. I let him outside with the girls because it was such a gorgeous day. I'm glad he died living out his running self.
I feel so guilty but then I know You create all living creatures with beginning and end dates. Today was Shadow's time to be with You. I know, even if he is not in Heaven, You know where he is and he is forever safe.
My prayer is for comfort for Samantha, myself, Alicia and Hope. If cats do have 9 lives, he lived each of them to the fullest. He enjoyed finding my earrings, playing with my ring and chasing his brothers. He will be sorely missed.
It's time for an animal memory wall or at least a photo frame.
Be at peace, my dear Shadow.
I love you and I will miss you.
Thanks, God.
You're my best friend.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
My heart is broken over the death of Shadow. I found him near the side of the road when Pam and I were returning from errands. How shocked I was to find him where he was.
I will miss him so much. He was a bit of a pain but that was Shadow. He'd constantly walk across my keyboard, pick on Kitten and then he'd be so sweet. He was sitting in my bedroom window this morning, enjoying the cool breeze. I let him outside with the girls because it was such a gorgeous day. I'm glad he died living out his running self.
I feel so guilty but then I know You create all living creatures with beginning and end dates. Today was Shadow's time to be with You. I know, even if he is not in Heaven, You know where he is and he is forever safe.
My prayer is for comfort for Samantha, myself, Alicia and Hope. If cats do have 9 lives, he lived each of them to the fullest. He enjoyed finding my earrings, playing with my ring and chasing his brothers. He will be sorely missed.
It's time for an animal memory wall or at least a photo frame.
Be at peace, my dear Shadow.
I love you and I will miss you.
Thanks, God.
You're my best friend.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Monday, June 11, 2012
Following Thru
Dear God,
After my writing yesterday I went to WCCC's website. I was blessed to learn Joni would be speaking. I was doubly blessed by catching a hug from Marie and using her gift card at Seeds. I was thirdly blessed by not being afraid of the large crowd as we stood for the new building breaking ground gathering. The words spelled were Joy, Hope and Life. I was in the L part of life. And a new life you've given to me has been quite a ride.
I'm achy but not complaining. Very grateful Pam wanted to get out of the house. I stayed on budget. I did not eat out. I purchased better food. I'm feeling a bit better now that I'm home.
Please bless Laurie's writing. Please draw Mario unto You. Please help Chelsea with the list I'll be giving her.
I'm ready to go get Tracy. I love my sisters.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
After my writing yesterday I went to WCCC's website. I was blessed to learn Joni would be speaking. I was doubly blessed by catching a hug from Marie and using her gift card at Seeds. I was thirdly blessed by not being afraid of the large crowd as we stood for the new building breaking ground gathering. The words spelled were Joy, Hope and Life. I was in the L part of life. And a new life you've given to me has been quite a ride.
I'm achy but not complaining. Very grateful Pam wanted to get out of the house. I stayed on budget. I did not eat out. I purchased better food. I'm feeling a bit better now that I'm home.
Please bless Laurie's writing. Please draw Mario unto You. Please help Chelsea with the list I'll be giving her.
I'm ready to go get Tracy. I love my sisters.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Sunday, June 10, 2012
A New Day
Dear God,
I'm not sure what to say. My body is still in pain. I will go for a walk to see if that will help.
Thank you for my family. Thank you for your provision for the ComEd bill. Thank you for the giving of others, especially Tracy and Jo. I continue to need, I am making mistakes. Please help me to be a better steward. I don't want to keep taking steps backwards.
I want to lose weight but it's so HARD! Please help me where I need it most. I don't know where it is but I know and have complete faith that You do.
Sorry I didn't go to church today. I feel scared.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
What are you afraid of?
people
Why?
they frighten me
Who?
all of them, there are so many
Amy, Marie is safe, right?
yes
She loves you.
yes
She won't hurt you.
okay
Reach out to her, Amy. She can help you. Ask her for help.
I'm not sure what to say. My body is still in pain. I will go for a walk to see if that will help.
Thank you for my family. Thank you for your provision for the ComEd bill. Thank you for the giving of others, especially Tracy and Jo. I continue to need, I am making mistakes. Please help me to be a better steward. I don't want to keep taking steps backwards.
I want to lose weight but it's so HARD! Please help me where I need it most. I don't know where it is but I know and have complete faith that You do.
Sorry I didn't go to church today. I feel scared.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
What are you afraid of?
people
Why?
they frighten me
Who?
all of them, there are so many
Amy, Marie is safe, right?
yes
She loves you.
yes
She won't hurt you.
okay
Reach out to her, Amy. She can help you. Ask her for help.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Happy Birthday, Mom
Happy Happy Birth 'm day
Happy Happy Birth 'm day
Happy Happy Birth 'm day
Haaaaaappy Happy Birth 'm day
To the one God chose to give me birth,
We have a lot in common, including our girth!
We've laughed and laughed until we have cried,
Through fun times and bad times you've stuck by my side.
Your faith inspired me to ask Jesus into my heart,
Do not eat sugar free or else you might fart!
I have a little something for you when you come into town.
Love Flamey
Thanks for the card...(gassie sound)...oops...wish you were here to enjoy the outcome of my day! Mom
Happy Happy Birth 'm day
Happy Happy Birth 'm day
Haaaaaappy Happy Birth 'm day
To the one God chose to give me birth,
We have a lot in common, including our girth!
We've laughed and laughed until we have cried,
Through fun times and bad times you've stuck by my side.
Your faith inspired me to ask Jesus into my heart,
Do not eat sugar free or else you might fart!
I have a little something for you when you come into town.
Love Flamey
Thanks for the card...(gassie sound)...oops...wish you were here to enjoy the outcome of my day! Mom
Friday, June 8, 2012
Stoned
Went to the ER with what I thought was a kidney stone. Turns out it wasn't.
But I WAS told I have too many kidney stones to count. WHAT????
High Ho! (echo: High Ho!)
High Ho, High Ho
It's off to the urologist I go.
(whistle whistle whistle whistle)
High Ho,
High Ho High Ho.
Gotta have fun in life even when the pain seems too much to bear.
But I WAS told I have too many kidney stones to count. WHAT????
High Ho! (echo: High Ho!)
High Ho, High Ho
It's off to the urologist I go.
(whistle whistle whistle whistle)
High Ho,
High Ho High Ho.
Gotta have fun in life even when the pain seems too much to bear.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Stress and Pills
Dear God,
I'm not wiped out but I'm getting there.
Mrs. Keller's passing, Steven's grief, my own grief, Mario, and ComEd.
I know you are my strength and my guide.
I'm sorry I keep yelling at you.
I'm glad you don't take my anger personally and can handle it.
I'm running out of ways to cope but I promise not to shut down.
Started a new drug to help with the anger and irritability.
Hope it works soon. I don't like feeling this way.
Love Amy Kathleen
I'm not wiped out but I'm getting there.
Mrs. Keller's passing, Steven's grief, my own grief, Mario, and ComEd.
I know you are my strength and my guide.
I'm sorry I keep yelling at you.
I'm glad you don't take my anger personally and can handle it.
I'm running out of ways to cope but I promise not to shut down.
Started a new drug to help with the anger and irritability.
Hope it works soon. I don't like feeling this way.
Love Amy Kathleen
Monday, June 4, 2012
Death and Those Left Behind
Dear God,
This month started with June 1st being the one year anniversary of Kim's Dad's death. The next day Mrs. Keller passed away. Tracy called to say Mario's brain tumor has returned, is double in size at the base of his skull and inoperable. She asked me to send Chelsea some Bible verses for herself and to read to Mario. I'm humbled to be asked to do this for my niece.
I am grieving the loss of all these people. I'm grieving for Kim, for Steve, for Chelsea and Neena and in some way, I'm grieving Mrs. Keller's death and Aaron. I'm grieving the loss of Bonnie though she is quite alive.
Redoing Aaron's memorial site was pleasure mixed with pain. The pleasure was putting a hula danccer on top of the stone. The pain was recalling how he died to a neighbor and what I miss most about his absence. His death still brings fresh tears to my eyes. I'll always remember how he would run out of the house right at me, calling my name then giving me a great big hug. To feel his arms around me, the love he shared, would be so healing. But for now, I wait until Heaven to see him again.
Crying seems to be what I'm doing the most. Having physical energy to work on the lawn, decorate it with little animals and flowers, waking up sore the next day...all blessings of relieving stress and grief. Even some belly laughing from a book. Not overeating. Gonna weigh myself tomorrow to see how it's going.
Lord, please grant me sleep. I seem to be struggling since last week. Please give Dr. Caban wisdom as we discuss medication. Remind me to listen, listen, listen.
I love you. Please guide my heart as I search for verses for Chelsea. You are a good Father, a loving God and an outstanding writer. Thank David for me. The Psalms are where I'm headed.
Love your faithful daughter,
Amy Kathleen
This month started with June 1st being the one year anniversary of Kim's Dad's death. The next day Mrs. Keller passed away. Tracy called to say Mario's brain tumor has returned, is double in size at the base of his skull and inoperable. She asked me to send Chelsea some Bible verses for herself and to read to Mario. I'm humbled to be asked to do this for my niece.
I am grieving the loss of all these people. I'm grieving for Kim, for Steve, for Chelsea and Neena and in some way, I'm grieving Mrs. Keller's death and Aaron. I'm grieving the loss of Bonnie though she is quite alive.
Redoing Aaron's memorial site was pleasure mixed with pain. The pleasure was putting a hula danccer on top of the stone. The pain was recalling how he died to a neighbor and what I miss most about his absence. His death still brings fresh tears to my eyes. I'll always remember how he would run out of the house right at me, calling my name then giving me a great big hug. To feel his arms around me, the love he shared, would be so healing. But for now, I wait until Heaven to see him again.
Crying seems to be what I'm doing the most. Having physical energy to work on the lawn, decorate it with little animals and flowers, waking up sore the next day...all blessings of relieving stress and grief. Even some belly laughing from a book. Not overeating. Gonna weigh myself tomorrow to see how it's going.
Lord, please grant me sleep. I seem to be struggling since last week. Please give Dr. Caban wisdom as we discuss medication. Remind me to listen, listen, listen.
I love you. Please guide my heart as I search for verses for Chelsea. You are a good Father, a loving God and an outstanding writer. Thank David for me. The Psalms are where I'm headed.
Love your faithful daughter,
Amy Kathleen
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