Friends or "Friends?"

Dear Abba,

Last night and this morning I've been struggling with who I really want in my life. I cleaned out my Facebook friends narrowing it down to 60 (most of which are family). This morning I cleaned out my email, deleting groups and deleting people. It feels cleansing and also a bit lonely.

It seems I've booted out Bonnie and her family. That's the biggest one. I don't fit there anymore. I did at one time, for a season. It makes me sad but I think it's a healthy decision. I haven't told her yet. Maybe it will fall by the wayside like it has been for four years.

I'm worried about these suicidal thoughts. I know in my gut I won't hurt myself. I've had ideations of cutting and drinking. Why am I going back in history with old ways of coping? They never worked and left me feeling worse than I had in the first place.

I'm thinking this is grief trying to come out.  I cried for awhile last night into my safe blankets and pillow.  I didn't overeat (another miracle).  It looks as if I'm trying to grieve yet the tear ducts get clogged with thoughts of coping in a harmful way.  Maybe it's the intensity of what or how I'm feeling.

Today I will lay low, resting, reading and sleeping.  I know sleeping is a sign of depression but that's all I have right now.  I hope Chris can meet me at McHenry County tonight.  If not, I have a big decision to make.  Not based on Marie's hopes but based on what I can handle.  Maybe a little stretch but it feels like jumping off a bridge hooked to a bungee cord.  Nevertheless, I'll consult with You first.

I'm so glad you brought Sue and Kim back into my life.  They're such solid believers.  Kim says, "We've got your back," and Sue says, "Always here Amy. Looking forward to building on it."  What can get better than that?  I can't handle a lot of true friendships.  There's only room for Jesus' example.

The three:  Tina, Tracy, Mom
The twelve:  Pam, Laurie, Marie, Jo, Annie, Ranne, Kim, Sue, Soni, SG, Donald and Dale.
The multitudes:  Everyone else

Thank you for the faithful, Lord.
Your sad daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Tears & Fears

Dear Abba,

Today has been a weird thoughts kind of day. I feel lonely yet I'm not doing anything about it. Now I feel sad, missing Aaron. He would have a blast with the Packers/Bears game this weekend. I ache to see him and hold him.

If I were ever granted one wish it would be for you to send Aaron back. I doubt he'd want to come back because of the splendid glory which surrounds him but still, even a full day with him would be so filling.

I deleted Bonnie and her family from my Facebook page. It seems right since we really don't have a friendship anymore. She's going her way and I'm going mine. I don't want to hurt her. I don't think it's a surprise.

I'll miss the kids but will they miss me? I doubt it. I'm a distant memory in their minds, someone who was once special to them but no more. I guess the mental illness cost more than I thought.

I believe you removed people, unsafe people from my life. Stephanie, Jill, CR @ LGCC, Bonnie, Kelly, BHI staff, and those I can't remember. Thank you for Carol, Jeff, Pam, Laurie, Marie (and small group), Jo, Ranne, Annie/Donald, my family and my extended family. I cry for myself because I miss Aaron so much. All these deaths, Lord. All the stress. So much in so little time.

You are my strength when I am weak, you are my eyes when I cannot see, you are the breath of my own soul, you are the only one who knows - everything. I love you with all the broken pieces of my heart, Lord.

Love your growing daughter,
Amy Kathleen

*Except for the "baby" part, these are my words to Jesus.

Freaky Feelings

Dear Abba,

Today I'm having a hard time trying to identify my feelings. My brain is scattered, I feel like eating everything not nailed down, my glasses broke so I'm using an old pair, I don't have insurance this month and I'm worried about how much Medicare and a supplemental policy are going to cost. I guess I'm anxious and feeling depressed at the same time.

But is it really anxiety and is it really depression? Or is this another stage of the grief process where you just feel broken and the pieces are scattered all over the place? I don't know.

I want to hide in my house. I want to stay in bed with a bag of chips and dip. Fortunately, I don't have either. I want to stop whatever is going on inside of me and I want to stop it now. How do I do it?

I'll read my bible study, read my book. I'll keep my eyes and ears open to your whispers. Maybe I can read our next chapter for small group. Maybe I can color. Nothing seems to matter. I have no hope.

I'm worried about Hope, my niece. She's your precious daughter, Lord. Please help her with the anxiety and sadness. Please don't let her flunk out of 6th grade. Please give her the strength she needs to get through each day. Please give wisdom to Tina and Dale as they try to discern what's best for their daughter. She's very sensitive. Please help her manage her emotions. If I can do anything to help please prompt me.

Wow. I think that was it, Lord. Now I feel unshackled. My heart is lighter. I'm not trying to escape. I actually feel better after that prayer.

Thanks, Lord.
Love Amy Kathleen

A Time To Mourn

Dear Abba,

Tuesday night was a time to mourn. It came out of left field, just like most grieving emotions. It happened at small group and it happened to me.

I hadn't talked about Aaron's death until that night. I laid my heart out. It was safe. But even in safety came the flood of fear. Fear of rejection, of intellect, of not being believed, of being chastised for not sharing until now, and a whole list of other beliefs.

I loved Aaron. It was so hard to see him grow up. The things he went through I understood. I've been there. Why didn't he let us help him? Instead he sought comfort in huffing poisonous gasses and fumes. He didn't mean to die but still he died.

Maybe some day I can talk about it more.
But for today, I will cry when I need to.

I love you, Abba.
With all my heart can give You.

Amy Kathleen

Being Comfortable

Dear God,

I wonder what it's like to be comfortable. In church, in my family, in therapy, in doctors treatment, in small group, in relationships, etc.

What does being comfortable mean? Here are some descriptive words that might help: contented, cheerful, easy, at rest, relaxed, untroubled, healthy, soothed, relieved, strengthened, restored, snug, cozy, warm, sheltered, protected, cared for, appropriate, spacious and restful.

Sounds like bliss, doesn't it? As I read those words I can better understand "comfortable" comes with many faces. Lord, how do I find comfort in you? Do I daily practice disciplines that will draw me closer to You?

I'm hoping daily journaling, praying and reading will show me more about who You are rather than who I make You out to be. I have a long road ahead of me, Father. I know your rod and staff will draw comfort whether You are lovingly guiding me or gently disciplining me.

You are not an abuser like my Dad and others who hurt me.
You are neither male nor female - You act as One.
You are I AM.

I submit my morning to You. May Alicia and I be blessed by our time together for her Alicia Day!

I love you, Father.
As best as any broken kid can.
Amy Kathleen

A New Year Has Come

Dear God,

For the past week I've been filled with thoughts regarding the stronghold eating has in my day to day activities. I'm an emotional eater whether I'm happy, sad, angry or grieving. I fully submit this sin to you. Honestly, I'm afraid to let it go.

This besetting sin has bound me. It cuts me off from good health. I want what You want for my body and the rest of my life. I want to be forever healthy.

Here's my covenant to You for 2011:

First, I will greet you in the morning and evening no matter how I'm feeling.
Second, I will take all meds when they are supposed to be taken.
Third, I will record calories, measure body and share via talk/email with Marie.
Forth, I will read my daily bible study and Grief Share email.
Fifth, I will read the Disciples Fast at least once a week.
Sixth, I will give myself solitude when tough emotions surface.
Seventh, I will pray for the needs of others.
Eighth, I will surround myself with healthy people.
Ninth, I will listen for your whispers then obey them to the best of my ability.
Tenth, I will keep a blog to express my feelings and write when I hear from You.

I won't be perfect.
This sin has deep roots that need to be pulled out.
I know you love me just as I am.
I know you have plans to draw me closer to you.
I know you want to give me a brighter future filled with hope.
Someday, I hope to return to Carol for support in this change.

I will fast on Mondays and Thursdays for one year to break the begetting sin of gluttony.

Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.

Your struggling daughter, Amy Kathleen