Food Addiction Going Down

Dear God,

For the past week I've been convicted of my food addiction and actually identified it as a food addiction.  I can feel all the sexual abuse feelings beginning to resurface.  They seem as painful today as they were with Carol. 

Thank you for the gifts of Marie and my new therapist, Faith.  Meeting with them two days in a row has surfaced the sadness and lots of tears.  I know you have me in the palm of your hand.  I know I will survive this next step in healing.  I know you'll be with me all the way.

Lord, I'm going to need Faith to pray over me when our sessions are finished.  I depended on that from Carol.  Even though there were times I felt uncomfortable I believe her tenderness reached your ears and her wisdom gave me encouragement.  Just hearing her voice comforted me.  I shall ask for it.

My food history was very hard to write.  I edited it today, adding some memories and feelings I'd remembered.  Shame seems to be my primary feeling along with sad and scared.  I'm very tired and want to sleep well.  I know the sexual abuse and physical abuse cause sleepless restless nights and early mornings.  I pray you'll give me the strength I need to get through each day without overeating, cutting or drinking.  I never want to do these things that are so destructive to my body ever again.

Lord, I drempt of Kelly.  I so wish and hope and pray that her relationship with you hasn't suffered since Rob's death.  This weekend will be the anniversary of his death and the anniversary of their marriage.  Is she okay?  I still love her so much but I know there's nothing I can do but pray your comfort and healing for her broken heart.  I can't imagine the pain she went through nor what she is now going through.  Only you can see her.  Please continue calling her name until she meets your Son in a personal relationship.  Only through Him can she have everlasting love.

Please give Marie the desires of her heart.  The next job, the next vacation, the next car, the next blessings.  She is a faithful servant, Mom and friend.  Bless her with the last part of her weight loss.  She has come a long way and I'm so excited for her!

Please help me through all this emotional stuff.  I know it's not baggage - it's history.  Or rather, my-story.  Never let me forget where I came from but always impress upon me forgiveness toward those who hurt me deeply.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Depression

Dear Lord,

The depression this time around is debilitating.  I'm downcast, eating, tired and blah.  I know my cycle is adding to the imbalance.  Everyday I want to die.

I've been tempted to drink.  No temptations to cut or overdose.  I'm trying to stay busy.

I've painted most of my kitchen, the pantry area.  Now I have to move on to the living room trim and touchups.

Ryan has a game tonight I hope to go see. 

Aaron's 21st birthday was yesterday.  I'm so sad he's not here.

"Don't let your heart be troubled.  Trust in the Father; trust also in me."  John 14:1

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Energy

Dear God,

Today I've had an abundance of energy.  Getting chores done, taking care of lowering some bills, library, and other stuff that's needed doing.  I wish I felt like this everyday.

Dr. Macejkow called with a great report about my kidney.  Lots of sand must have passed because my kidney looks so much better.  She's very excited and asked if I could hear it in her voice.  She is such a hands on doctor.  I love her!!  You know what I mean.

I feel very good about the money I spent and how I spent it.  I even have a little in my gas tank.

Time to wind down for the evening although I feel like I can keep going.

Please sell my punching bag.  I have a prospective buyer.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

A Brand New Day

Dear Father,

Today is a brand new day filled with possibilities and wonders.  I'm so thrilled at how good my ceiling looks after a couple of coats of paint.  It's not done yet but I'm still excited it's well on it's way.  Once that gets done I can go around and repaint the edges.  Then I can paint the kitchen and finish the floor.  Your house is almost complete!  Just have to get some wall trip and floor trim.  Once piece at a time.

I'm not feeling so stressed out today.  Thank you for rest and recovery and Lorazepam.  I have to go to the dollar store and get some things but I know you are the one who is providing for all my needs.

Today I ask for comfort for Pamela Sue and Soni; please have the chemo work for her cancer.  I pray for my family to walk closer with you and to be still and hear your voice.  Please help me to clean out my fridge and make good food selections.  I should probably be writing them down.

Above all else, please help me to stay in your will.  To write down Ps 32:8 and 34:18.  It's so good to have only the family channels on DirecTV.  I feel more pure.

I love you and I give my whole life to you!
Thanks for Laurie, Marie and Annie - my three.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Cleaning House

Dear God,

So much cleaning going on inside your house.  I've attacked my bedroom and strive to keep up with housework.  I've written down rooms to clean like my mom and it's helping a lot.  I'm working on my bathroom today.  I'm one room behind but I figure with switching my laundry day it's okay.  :)

Thank you for all you've given and all you continue to give.  I'm talking with Nina from Ashford University this morning to check out their online program.  I don't know what her exact role is as an advisor but I hope she can answer some of my questions.

I'm feeling lead to meet with Carol or try to get in touch with Julie about their schooling.  I'm wanting to do a Ph.D. because the brilliant people who've been plugged into my life have suggested it.  I'm honored that you have blessed me with a multi-ability brain.  I'm equally blessed my body is feeling better.

Here we go!  Please help me to love my monkey without prejudice or judgment.  I don't know why those evil thoughts keep going through my head.  She is my daily buddy without whom my life would be very different and empty.

I miss Bonnie very much.  Every time I hear the words "best friend" or even the word monkey I remember her fondly.  I do pray she is happy and has a new woman monkey.  I know Tom is her main guy!!

Please bless me with wisdom for the day.  Please bless Soni with fortitude, wisdom, discernment and safety. Please keep Tom safe in her absence so she has no additional worries.  Please bless Kim with another great day of teaching.  Please help her students to see the big heart she has and no bull allowed rules.  Please bless Tracy with wisdom and discernment as she sorts through her new role as a Stepmom.  Please help Tina as her family gets ready to go back to school.  I know she'll miss them greatly.  Please bless my Mom with renewed energy for weight loss and good health.  Bless her little business so she can be financially unconcerned about all things.

My love to Marie, Jo, Laurie, Annie, Donald, Pam, Kim, Suzanne, my family, those in Heaven and those I've missed.  Please bless my friends with a closer relationship with you.  Especially Soni's sister, Pam.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Tuesday

Dear God,

I seem to be feeling better.  I'm trying to take my medication daily.  Physically I'm not having so many headaches and my abdominal region is better.  Maybe some of it has been stress.  Or maybe some of it was the big kidney stone.  In either case, I'm grateful to You that I'm feeling better.

It's time to go for a walk.  That's what I keep hearing in my head.  I'd rather go for a ride.  I hate walking.  It hurts my back.  I'll make some adjustments to my bike and take it for a pedal.

Please help me to focus on You today.  I have a couple of note cards to mail.  I see Cookie waiting for the person who drives by and honks hello to her.  I pray they come soon.  If not, I pray she still feels your love.

I need to let go of DirecTV.  It's been fun and was affordable.  But now with the price doubling I just can't do it.  Maybe I should be without TV for a little while.  I don't want to become addicted to it.  I really did enjoy watching the Olympics!!  Thank you!

Off I go to another day.  I'm trying to get information about an online university.  Please direct my path.

I love you!
Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Out Of It

Dear God,

I'm feeling really out of it today.  With the visit from Aunt Flow I am depleted of energy.  Going through menopause or the near end stages of it is more difficult than I hoped.  I want to eat but my stomach is not hungry.  More thirsty.

I'd like to be able to take the girls to the water park.  If you can make the weather happen that would be great.  If not, please let me find another way to spend time with them.

Thank you for Pam's generosity.  I am blessed beyond what I deserve.

Love,
Amy Kathleen

A Better Day

Dear God,

Thank you for a day filled with an easy spirit and dare I say happiness?  Yes, I do dare to say.  I feel good today in all areas and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I'm going to start advertising for animal sitting at $10 per day.  Please, if it's your will, bless my little business so I can bless and take care of your animals.

I love you in good times and bad.

Your daughter,
Amy

Adjusting

Dear God,

Change certainly takes time.  I'd just as well be adjusted quickly though I know it's not good.  Too quick can be harmful.

I guess I want to do something different with my time.  I enjoy watching the Olympics.  I enjoy reading.  I have the cardiology appointment later today.  I pray my heart is okay and the abnormal ekg was a false positive.

Anyway, I feel flat.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Sunday...

Dear God,

This day is a little better than yesterday.  I showered and Tracy was right...I do feel a little better.  I'm sure my body appreciates it.

I'm watching the Olympics in London.  Watched The Netherlands win the gold for Women's Cycling (87 miles), qualifying semifinals for swimming, archery where Korea beat Mexico for the bronze and Italy beat USA for the gold, women's basketball where the USA beat Croatia, sand volleyball where the USA Men beat Great Britian, women's soccer where Great Britain beat Cameroon and I think that's it.  Gymnastics and more swimming are on today.  I love watching these games.  All of the athletes are so disciplined and inspiring.

I still feel down and honestly, not hungry.  Maybe I should listen to my body???  I don't know.  It's such an uphill battle and I am not disciplined enough to succeed.  Or is that one of my many excuses?  I don't know. I don't know.

Anyway, I'll be here.  Probably reading, probably watching TV, probably staying inside.  I don't want to socialize or anything like that.  I didn't go to church.

Love your messed up daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Getting Out

Dear God,

Today I feel fat and depressed.  Kim suggested I go for a walk at the marina and spend time outdoors.  It's a great idea and I'm going for it.

I feel sad not having Steve around.  I don't regret my decision.  I know in my heart it's the right one.  I guess it will take time to heal.  It was certainly eye opening.

Please help me obey your will for my fat body.  I struggle so much with emotional eating or boredom.  Let me hear your voice to read more or get out more.  I worry about my gas tank but I think my internal gas tank needs some attention.

Please help me learn how to take good care of myself and my house.  I don't want to be a sluggard who is at one with her couch.  I need to get out more.  Not necessarily socialize more but get out of the house more, by myself.  No shopping all the time.

I love you and I think you for Kim!!

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Saying Good-Bye

Dear God,

Well, I did it.  I broke up with Steve late Saturday afternoon.  I did it over the phone so I wouldn't get into a laundry list of what was wrong.  The bottom line is he lied to me and he lied about me to his sister.  He was quiet, no apology then the conversation abruptly ended.  It was awkward.

When he messaged me on Facebook, I felt bad for him.  He doesn't have a personal relationship with you so the idea of being alone scares and saddens him.  His need to be with someone will never fill the hole in his heart.  Only you can do that and my prayer is that he finds You soon.

Father, I grieve the loss of his good stuff.  While I can't allow anyone to treat me like a subordinate or less than equal, I will miss his smile.  Not much else, come to think of it.  All I can think of is the negative.

So, I go about my day as best I can.  He'll be here after work to pick up his things and bring mine.  I guess that will be the end.  The final good-bye.

I wish him well and place him into Your capable and trustworthy hands.

Your loving daughter,
Amy Kathleen

PS:  Please forgive me for entering into a relationship with a non-believer.  Now I understand why I need to be equally yolked.  Prayer and apology mixed with character flaws and forgiveness go a long way.  You will always be my first love.  I'm not sure what the future holds but I would like to share my life with someone who loves all of me but loves you first.

Going Home

Dear Father,

This is the day I return home from a wonderful time at Mom's.  I am overjoyed as I head home to my kitties and a new found freedom by renewing my singleness.  I don't know if you ever want me to be married or for that matter if I ever really want to be married but the prospect of someone else helping look after me is inviting.

Lord, I seek your face with all my heart.  I seek your words with all my thoughts.  I seek your mind with all my soul.  I seek your strength with all my weakness.

Please grant us a good day as we pick up Samantha and head home.  Please help me tender her precious heart with words of encouragement and love.  I have a new found love and respect for her that I did not have before.  She is one of those little people in my life who can teach me how to be a better person and friend.

I love you!  I love my family and I love my dear friends.  Please bless them with a day filled with your Holy Spirit and lots of joy and love.

I am totally and completely devoted to you!
Your loving daughter,
Amy Kathleen

A Day of Rest

Dear Father,

Another beautiful day in the Northwoods of Wisconsin.  It's soft blue skies and fluffy clouds, gentle breeze with temps in the low 70's give me a sense of hope that fall is near.  With each day passing, fall is one day nearer.

I feel much more settled in my decision about Steve.  I can be firm but kind, truthtelling without vagrant hurtful tones.  I feel set free emotionally.  I feel so much more centered in You.

I want someone who, like Annie said, will join me in prayer and even pray over me.  Someone who has money and plenty of it.  I don't want to struggle financially anymore so I'm ready to make moves and changes toward that peace.  I do need my brakes fixed and an estimate done on my car.  I need another air conditioner but maybe that will happen at the end of the season.  Only you know for sure.

These John Grisham books are wonderful!  The Litigators and The Appeal have kept my interest and a great source of kicking back into another world.  Reading The Story has opened my eyes into the love and generous mercy you display to us time after time.  Your patience and desire to have us only love you is incredibly apparant.  The courage you give us and the faith you have in our humanness is uncanny, unlike any other god.  You are the One True God!!

With a full heart and a spirit ready to head home for some new changes,
Your loving daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Still Chatting

Dear Father,

My mind continues to chatter about Steve.  I don't understand why this is so consuming.  I want to enjoy my time up here because I don't know when I'll be back. 

I pray you will open his eyes to see how much he needs you.  I pray you will cause the circumstances in his life to draw him to you.  I pray he will see his sin and want to repent.  I pray he choses to accept Jesus payment for his sin and begin a new life as a new creation in you. 

I can't help him.  He is your child, not mine.  Please help me to let go and let you do your good work. 

Love Amy Kathleen

Not Sure

Dear God,

I just read Steve's email and it bothers me.  I'm not happy and I'm not going through a lot of issues like he thinks.  My life is what it is and I accept it with all the challenges.  It's something I've come to accept.

Do I "break up" in email?  It seems kinda silly but maybe it can be that easy.  I mean we really aren't dating.  I don't know what it is but I do know I don't like it.  It's a friendship, not a dating relationship.  That's the truth and that's another thing I need to say.

I'm sad he doesn't want more but to be honest I'm sure it wouldn't work.  Maybe it's a blessing that this is coming out now before things get too weird.  A relationship takes work and h e's not willing to do the work.  He doesn't want to do any work.

So, I let him go.  I wish him well and I dont' have any regrets.  Maybe you'll provide someone who will be a better friend and companion.  Maybe I'll stay single.  I don't know. 

Anyway, please help me communicate with him the way You want me to.  I don't want to complicate it and I certainly don't want to travel a road that's unnecesssary.

Your loving daughter,
Amy Kathleen

God's Day

Dear Father,

As you already know, I'm starting this day with pain.  My back and lower abdominal region are cramping.  I'm so glad I'm not having charlie horses in my back.  Those hurt.

You're teaching me how to handle the situation with Steve.  The bottom line is I can't stand his lying.  He lies all the time.  The one lie that directly effected me is the promise to pay for my entire birthday movie but he reneged.  He'll say he offered to pay if I "needed" him to but truth is he didn't want to.  I want him to want to but I have no control over his decisions.

How do you tell a non-believer that the character trait of lying is the deal breaker?  The reason I can't have him in my life is because I have no one in my life who lies.  No one.  There are so many other reasons:  He doesn't hold my hand, he constantly walks in front of me sometimes at quite a distance, he doesn't hold doors open for me to go through first, etc.  I'm not treated like someone he respects or someone he loves.  I've made the mistake of helping him with his envelopes to the point where he didn't even sit with me when I was doing them but played on the internet.  That was aggravating.  Then the question, "Do I have enough money to go to Taco Bell?"  That's not my decision.  Telling Jodi he spent $120 on my birthday which was the biggest lie that directly involved me.  I was so shocked I couldn't respond.  Now I respond.

I respond with dignity and self-respect.  I don't want to call him in the morning to wake him up for work, I don't want to shave his back and other parts, I don't want to help him really with much of anything because he doesn't show appreciation.  He says I help him but it's not really helping.  It's enabling.  He can write out his own envelopes, fill out his own forms, be responsible for his own life without involving me.  I can let all of this go and more.  I can let him go.

My mom said Jesus is the only one who can help us with character flaws.  He's the only one, when we fully submit to being transformed into His image, who can remove those traits like lying.  He's the only one who can do it - we can't do it on our own.  Steve doesn't have Jesus.  He doesn't want Him in his life.  His comment about never going to my church might have been said to test my reaction to which I replied, "I don't care."  It's his relationship with God, not mine.

I want someone who wants to live a Christ filled life.  One who is not self-centered but others centered.  One who is not selfish but giving to those in need.  One who sees and loves people as God sees them, treats them with the respect they deserve not like a bother or people who are in his way of accomplishing something as silly as food shopping.  One who loves the sound of children's laughter and chatter even if it's during a movie.  People are not a bother - they are a reflection of God.  In all ways, created in His image.  Love.  It's all about a deeper kind of love.

Lord, you are my All in All.  You are the one I want to please the most.  You are the one I want to serve first.  You are my first love, my only real true love.  Please help me as I make this difficult choice for which there will be much joy on the other side.

Your loving daughter,
Amy Kathleen

It's Saturday

Dear God,

I'm feeling some pain this morning on the right side.  I hope I'm not passing another kidney stone, that it's back pain from rolling around in my sleep.  Please give me wisdom about how to manage the pain.

Thank you for the beautiful dream with Sheryl.  I pray her life is a restful one, without a lot of upset emotions or physical pain.  I know she struggles when she doesn't have her quite times with you.  Please grant her peace filled days with abundant grace.  I also pray her life verse for her:  "I pray that your love will grow more and more.  And let it be based on knowledge and understanding.  Then you will be able to know what is best.  You will be pure and without blame until the day Christ returns."

Lord, the book Jo recommended is a little too heavy.  The wording is too descriptive with too many visual references.  But I'm beginning to get the message.  Thankfulness.  With grace.  Sprinkled with joy.  I have a feeling, "One Thousand Gifts" is going to be a list of things I'm thankful for.  I'll press on until the end.  And thank Jo for the recommendation.

I'm still praying about Steve.  I'm not confused about what to do but more about how to do it.  I'll be listening for your whisper.  And leaning heavily into you.  I've been asking myself, "If I was talking to Sheryl, how would she counsel me?"  I can hear her voice and her words of wisdom.

Well, gotta scoot for now, Father.  Please give us a great day and bless Hopie on her birthday.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen


























i

Processing

Dear Father,

I think you are making clear what I have to say to Steve.  He used my birthday as an excuse for a withdrawl of $120 to his sister.  Made me sick and incredibly angry.  He used me.

It makes me sick.  I'm done.

Please relieve these cramps and help me to have a good day.  I really enjoy being up here.  It's so beautiful.  Help me let go of the crap so it doesn't ruin this vacation.  I miss my babies.

Love Amy Kathleen

Starting Vacation

Dear Father,

Oh the joy of getting away from daily life.  I'm feeling sad about leaving my kitties.  I know I'll miss them very much.  You'd think I'd be happy going up to my mom's but I'm just not feeling it.

Once we get going I'm sure that will change.  The getting ready part is where I'm struggling.  I pray you will help me make the right choices today.  Please surprise me in a good way for the cost of the prescriptions.  I forgot to factor that into my monthly expenses.

Well, gotta run.
I love you and ask you to bless this time with wisdom, fun and loads of laughter.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Wanting to Hide

Dear Father,

I'm a little anxious about heading up to my mom's.  I haven't been on vacation in such a long time that I've forgotten how good it will feel to get away for awhile.  I know we'll have fun - we always do.

I need your help and your strength.  I am weak when it comes to wanting something but not always being smart about it.  I want a new camera for the kids school activities, memory foam for my mattress, and my brakes fixed.  I know I have to steward all of Jo's money toward my bills for this month.  Next month will be a better gauge and maybe I can put some $ into savings?  I really want to.

My spirit is downcast.  I want to clean my house but I'm sweaty.  I want to clean my floor but don't have the money for the Swiffer stuff.  I need to learn how to be okay in not having what I want.  It's very very hard.

Lord, I ask that my time with the girls be blessed with fun and laughter.  Help us to spend some nice time together playing games, maybe go for a walk or something else fun.  I love my time with them.  Please help Ryan and I plan for a meal together.  I miss my time with him.

Please bless my mom and I, too.  Please help Pam while I'm gone.  I'd like to call her most everyday just like at home.  Please let this be a time for Steve to realize whether or not I'm a convenience or someone he really treasures.  I'll need some guidance in this area, too.

I love you and thanks again for Jo's abundance.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Contemplating

Dear Father,

So many thoughts are on my mind this morning.  Serving in Annie's ministry hoping it will turn into a paid position; wondering if I should stay with Steven or let him go; contacting the Good Sense ministry to help me manage your money better; slimming down so I feel better and healthier; and making sure I can afford to get my brakes fixed before I do more damage to them.  Concerns of my heart.

I know you will work all things out for good, Your Good.  I pray I am able to listen attentively and obey your leadings.  Whispers are hard to hear in a mind filled with TV and other preoccupations.  I am shutting off the TV for the next couple of days trying to get to a place of focus.  There are more things I can do with my time than vege.  I'm eager to learn those things and carry them out to completion.

Preparing for a vacation up at my Mom's is enough to do.  Getting my house ready and the cats ready will take some time and be joyful in the process.  Making sure Pam has all the supplies she needs is also important.  Planning for the unexpected like high temps is important, too.  Helping her by making it as easy as possible is the least I can do.

Lord, you are my All in All.  I love you with all my heart, mind, soul and strength.  Please bless and protect those I love.  My family and friends are treasured gifts from You.  I love them very much.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Money

Dear God,

I'm sitting here feeling bad about Steven not wanting to pay for the movie last night.  I understand the popcorn and drinks were a sticker shock but why am I not worth the extra $14?  He can spend $40 on lenses for his sunglasses then more money for a new case but spending $33 for a date is too much?  Ouch.

We have very different views on money.  I enjoy giving to people when I can, buying them things or paying for entertainment.  He on the other hand is very focused on himself.  I pray you will help me to deal with this in the future by either mentioning it to him or deciding to pay for myself.

I think he wants to do the right thing.  I know he has a good heart.  I just wish he'd have more of a desire to provide for me rather than provide for himself.

I love you, Lord, and I know you will work all this out for good.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Survival

Dear Father,

I woke up overwhelmed by the thought of another day.  Nothing to do, really, except watch TV and rest.  I know I can read and do other things around the house but sometimes my brain is not engaged.

I'm washing a load of laundry before the temp reaches 103 (again for the 3rd day).  I'm trying to stay ahead of the weather.  I'll be driving out to the theater to pick up tickets for Steven and I tonight.  Spiderman here we come.

I'm not as worried about my finances.  I sent an email to Jo and that relieved it.  I know you have plans for me so I have to be patient and wait upon you.

I will do my best.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Worry

Dear God,

Worry is what I'm feeling as I look at my financial condition.  I'm in need of about $600 to get caught up.  I'll also need funds for my brakes.  Then I can start August with a clean slate.  Will you please provide these for me?

When I worry I feel powerless, unable, disabled, stuck, trapped, in bondage, helpless, hopeless and alone.  I am none of these.

Powerless into Powerful:  I have the innate ability to budget God's money wisely and to tithe.
Unable into Able:  I have the courage to ask for help when help is needed.
Disabled into Acceptance:  Working is not the answer right now.
Stuck into Movement:  Each day I learn new ways to improve.
Trapped into Freedom:  I can live in financial freedom no matter how much God gives me.
In Bondage into Victory:  I have victory over all things because Christ lived and died for me.
Helpless into Resourceful:  I have people who are able to give time, treasure and friendship.
Hopeless into Hope:  I put all my hope into Jesus Christ who gives me strength.
Alone into Trinity:  I am never alone in anything I do, need or desire.

Worry is letting something or someone take up rent free space in my head.  Why give up that precious space to something I have little to no control over?  Give it to God and let Him have the glory in providing for my every need, whether I cause it by mistakes or it's by circumstance.

I love you, Father.

Your daughter who is a mess,
Amy Kathleen

Jesus Heals

Dear Father,

Oh the pain of a full blown migraine really hurts.  I'm such a pharmaceutical mess.  I should have taken the Maxalt yesterday but didn't want to "waste" it.  Instead, I found myself in an incredibly painful situation that only Jesus could heal.  Not that I regret having to ask but I do feel like a fool for not medicating myself earlier.

Lord, why is pain management so hard for me?  Why don't I take the meds I have?  Right now it's because I don't have the funds to pay for them.  How in the world did I forget the American Family payments?  I have to make a call so when I receive Jo's support the payment can go through.  I don't know.  I'm a real mess.

Lord, help me as much as I need it.  Which I think is more than I can handle.  I'm going to send out an email message.  It's hard to admit defeat and failure.  I know I can do this.  I just can't catch up.  Can you please open the resources of heaven and send what I need?  I'm at a loss and can't catch up.

Maybe I shouldn't send an email.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Too Much Death

June 26, 2012...Mario passed away after a long battle with brain cancer
June 28, 2012...Email from Soni about her sister Pam having 80% pancreatic cancer
July 1, 2012...Joyce Ryan's daughter Diane died from brain cancer this morning

Surrounded by pain.  And Justin, Alicia's kitty, died.

Heavy hearted.
Want to isolate.
Keeping inside.
Don't want to talk to Steve.

Would rather curl up and fade out.
Stop feeling, stop all sadness, stop all pain.
For everyone.

Chelsa, Neena, Nadia, Ana, Melissa, Tracy, Bill, Soni, Pam, Shel, Bud, their  Mom, Tom, Joyce, Ashley, her family.  Alicia, Samantha, Hope.  Kim, Tracy, Diana, Steve, Pam, Shawnda, Dale, Joe, Jon, Tina, Ryan, Hope, Samantha, Alicia, me, Tracy, Mom, Carol, Alex.

Death hurts so many people and nothing I do or say can ever take away the pain of the loss.

Nothing.

I am completely powerless.

It's A Day

Dear God,

Today started with incredible pain, a level 10 for sure.  I didn't go to the er because I wasn't sure I should.  After taking Aleve the pain subsided but reared its ugly head at 9:00.  Complete with tears, I took more Aleve and waited.  Once it kicked in, I was okay.  Got another flare up, took more Aleve.  Was able to go to lunch with Kim and Suzanne.

I feel so bad for Kim.  She's really struggling and in a lot of emotional pain.  Please help her through this very tough time.

Please help Suzanne to put healthy boundaries in place.

Please guide me with Steve.  Please guide me with this pain.  Please help me continue making healthy food choices.

I love you, Lord.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Headaches

Dear God,

After many hours of feeling sorry for myself, I pulled myself out of the dump and went with Steven to Wauconda Fest.  It was good to get out of my house.  It was good to take a shower.

I have to tell you I'm sick of being in pain.  It's my head, my back, my legs or anything else.  I hurt and it hurts to hurt.  I'm so glad Pam is coming home tomorrow.  I feel relieved that she is alive.  Not dead like she could have been.  The fear of losing her is more than I can bear.

I'm bleeding again.  My right flank hurts.  Kidney or back?  Probably my back.

I enjoyed church today.  Especially enjoyed seeing Marie.  Excellent message.  I want to know you more, I want to serve you.  How do I do that?  I want to work so my finances aren't so tight.  But I still haven't learned how to live within my means.  I feel like a total failure.

Just want to sleep.  Going to get the rice sock.  Have to cool off this head.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

I Hate Myself

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.  I'm such a fuck up.  I can't do anything right or stick with anything that's good for me.  I continually screw up my finances and my fat sucky self.  I overeat, I can't manage to not overdraw my account and in general, I feel fucked up.

I'm so angry at Pam.  I'm so angry at myself.  I would cut but I don't do that anymore.  I would drink but I don't do that anymore.  I would kill myself but I don't think like that anymore.  All of my coping tools are gone so what's left?  My fucked up self.

What's going on, Amy?  I can't sleep, I can't rest, my stupid head won't shut the hell up.  Over and over again I miss Bonnie and Carey.  I can't stand Corey.  I dream about them and it hurts.  I'm such a fuck up.

I don't wish death because of what it will do to others but if I had a choice, I would get the hell out of here in a damn hurry.  No where to run to...no where to hide.  Get a gun, shoot it so I can feel powerful and in control.  I'm not in control.  Something else is.

What?  Feelings.  Feelings I can't manage.  I'm overcome with feelings.  All sorts of them.  I want Carol but I can't afford to see her.  I really can't.  It sucks.  I suck.

Get the hell out of here.  Out of this place of misery.  Too many feelings, too many thoughts, too many negative thoughts, too much depression.

I hate everything about my body.

Weight, again

A long battle,
A painful battle,
One I hope to win,
Only with God's intervention, teaching and HELP!

Love Me More Than You Love Food

That's all.
The title says it.
Love God more than I love food.
Okay.

What To Write

Dear God,

I am struggling today with the weather being so hot outside.  I feel confined to my house though I know I can go outside at any time.  It's weighing the heat against staying comfortable.  Comfort wins!

I'm struggling with my new way of eating.  I see how my body gains and loses weight so easily.  Having it lose weight is still a little unnerving.  Not as much as it used to be.  Thank you.

I miss Carol.  I miss her laugh, her counsel and her tears.  I pray if it be Your will that I see her that all those details will come together for Your Good.  Not my will but Yours be done.

Time to read.  "The Story."  Good book.  After all, it's Your book made simpler for little brains like mine that struggle reading the same thing over and over.  No complaints.  I'm just saying.  :)

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Living

Dear God,

I have a headache and I don't feel well.  My back is hurting, my eyes are tired and my spirit is dim.  The light is going out but I want it to stay lit.

I'll miss my Shadow's nursing on my ears.  The tender cuddling, the little suckle noises and his deep eyes that expressed his love and life.  It's hard to see the blood on the road.  I pray for rain if only to wash away his death.

I'm so sleepy.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

My Hearts Is Sad

Dear God,

Yesterday was a good day.  A day I ate my sorrow over Shadow.  Since his death, I'm struggling.  I feel very sad.  He wasn't there to get into my earrings when I slid open the door to get my toothbrush.  I miss him.  I miss his deep eyes when we'd look at each other.  So full of Shadow...

I feel depressed.  I know it's normal to grieve, to feel sad, to be down.  My body hurts because of the humidity.  I am one big ache.

I gained 8 pounds in 48 hours.  How the heck did that happen?  No wonder my weight has been so screwy.

I guess I'll start no sugar except for tea tomorrow.  I already blew today.

I love you.
Give Shadow a big squeeze and kisses from me.
Tell him how much I miss him - how much he was loved - even when he was a pain.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Down 10 lbs!!!

Dear God,

Thank you for the wonderful conversation with Marie yesterday.  I was saddened by Shadow's sudden death.  I was able to talk with her about him and so much more.  Thank you for her love and friendship.

I'm thinking a lot about Bonnie.  I really miss her.  It's hard not to be able to integrate she and her family into my new life.  I mourn her loss, the loss of Tom and the loss of the kids.  I loved them with all my heart.  I still love them.  Maybe this will change someday?  I'm open to it.

I was nervous stepping onto the scale this morning although I did suspect I'd lost more weight.  I have!  Down from 246 to 236 since the beginning of May.  I'm getting ready to reduce the carbs although I've already taken solid steps toward that goal.  I'm not drinking any more soda and I've really reduced the sugars.  I'm going to stick with this plan.  My stomach is reducing in size so portion control has been better.  My mental and emotional status is balanced.  Being off all those meds is contributing to my overall health.  I feel so good.

I'm enjoying the book, "The Story."  I'm really getting into it as it progresses into my favorite parts of the Old Testament.  Your provision for Your people is quite spectacular.  Watching them as they grow in their faith is also quite a treat.  I'm so glad You wrote your book of love for us, for me.  It's quite personal as I relate to my brothers and sisters who struggled with trust so many years ago.

Please help Pam, Steven, Kim, Laurie and my family as we grieve the loss of loved ones.  You are our great God who comforts the brokenhearted.  Please help Tracy as she adjusts to being back to work.  Please continue to draw Mario toward you and give Bill/Chelsea what they need in order to share Jesus' love for him.  Please help Christine with that same request.  May she be surrounded by those who know You and can share Your hope with her.  Please help Laurie with her writing and the concerns of her heart.  Help her to walk closely beside You, feeling Your presence throughout her days.  Please give my Mom and I a great conversation this morning; Tina and Dale financial security; Hope excitement for camp; Ryan protection as he's driving and a deep desire to return to church; Samantha comfort for the loss of Shadow and friends to spend time playing; Alicia for her spiritual growth; Joe for coming to know the real You; Jonny for employment and an opportunity to hear about the love of Jesus; Lacey the patience for little Skye and an opportunity to hear about the love of Jesus; and for Aaron...I know he's with You, Lord.  Tell him how much I miss him.  For Marie, blessings with the book, "7."  For Suzanne, healing rain come pouring down.  For Annie, blessings with the resale shop.  For Donald, protection for his health and financial blessings.  For Jo, peace in her heart and motivation to lose weight.  For Soni, continued weight management and healing for the loss of her Dad.  For me, a tighter relationship with You so that all things that were once impossible come true.

You are my All in All.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

I love you, Shad

Dear God,

My heart is broken over the death of Shadow.  I found him near the side of the road when Pam and I were returning from errands.  How shocked I was to find him where he was.

I will miss him so much.  He was a bit of a pain but that was Shadow.  He'd constantly walk across my keyboard, pick on Kitten and then he'd be so sweet.  He was sitting in my bedroom window this morning, enjoying the cool breeze.  I let him outside with the girls because it was such a gorgeous day.  I'm glad he died living out his running self.

I feel so guilty but then I know You create all living creatures with beginning and end dates.  Today was Shadow's time to be with You.  I know, even if he is not in Heaven, You know where he is and he is forever safe.

My prayer is for comfort for Samantha, myself, Alicia and Hope.  If cats do have 9 lives, he lived each of them to the fullest.  He enjoyed finding my earrings, playing with my ring and chasing his brothers.  He will be sorely missed.

It's time for an animal memory wall or at least a photo frame.

Be at peace, my dear Shadow.
I love you and I will miss you.

Thanks, God.
You're my best friend.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Following Thru

Dear God,

After my writing yesterday I went to WCCC's website.  I was blessed to learn Joni would be speaking.  I was doubly blessed by catching a hug from Marie and using her gift card at Seeds.  I was thirdly blessed by not being afraid of the large crowd as we stood for the new building breaking ground gathering.  The words spelled were Joy, Hope and Life.  I was in the L part of life.  And a new life you've given to me has been quite a ride.

I'm achy but not complaining.  Very grateful Pam wanted to get out of the house.  I stayed on budget.  I did not eat out.  I purchased better food.  I'm feeling a bit better now that I'm home.

Please bless Laurie's writing.  Please draw Mario unto You.  Please help Chelsea with the list I'll be giving her.

I'm ready to go get Tracy.  I love my sisters.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

A New Day

Dear God,

I'm not sure what to say.  My body is still in pain.  I will go for a walk to see if that will help.

Thank you for my family.  Thank you for your provision for the ComEd bill.  Thank you for the giving of others, especially Tracy and Jo.  I continue to need, I am making mistakes.  Please help me to be a better steward.  I don't want to keep taking steps backwards.

I want to lose weight but it's so HARD!  Please help me where I need it most.  I don't know where it is but I know and have complete faith that You do.

Sorry I didn't go to church today.  I feel scared.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

What are you afraid of?  
people
Why?  
they frighten me
Who?  
all of them, there are so many
Amy, Marie is safe, right?
yes
She loves you.
yes
She won't hurt you.
okay
Reach out to her, Amy.  She can help you.  Ask her for help.

Happy Birthday, Mom

Happy Happy Birth 'm day
Happy Happy Birth 'm day
Happy Happy Birth 'm day
Haaaaaappy Happy Birth 'm day

To the one God chose to give me birth,
We have a lot in common, including our girth!
We've laughed and laughed until we have cried,
Through fun times and bad times you've stuck by my side.
Your faith inspired me to ask Jesus into my heart,
Do not eat sugar free or else you might fart!

I have a little something for you when you come into town.
Love Flamey

Thanks for the card...(gassie sound)...oops...wish you were here to enjoy the outcome of my day!  Mom

Stoned

Went to the ER with what I thought was a kidney stone.  Turns out it wasn't.

But I WAS told I have too many kidney stones to count.  WHAT????

High Ho!  (echo:  High Ho!)
High Ho, High Ho
It's off to the urologist I go.
(whistle whistle whistle whistle)
High Ho,
High Ho High Ho.

Gotta have fun in life even when the pain seems too much to bear.

Stress and Pills

Dear God,

I'm not wiped out but I'm getting there.

Mrs. Keller's passing, Steven's grief, my own grief, Mario, and ComEd.

I know you are my strength and my guide.

I'm sorry I keep yelling at you.

I'm glad you don't take my anger personally and can handle it.

I'm running out of ways to cope but I promise not to shut down.

Started a new drug to help with the anger and irritability.

Hope it works soon.  I don't like feeling this way.

Love Amy Kathleen

Death and Those Left Behind

Dear God,

This month started with June 1st being the one year anniversary of Kim's Dad's death.  The next day Mrs. Keller passed away.  Tracy called to say Mario's brain tumor has returned, is double in size at the base of his skull and inoperable. She asked me to send Chelsea some Bible verses for herself and to read to Mario.  I'm humbled to be asked to do this for my niece.

I am grieving the loss of all these people.  I'm grieving for Kim, for Steve, for Chelsea and Neena and in some way, I'm grieving Mrs. Keller's death and Aaron.  I'm grieving the loss of Bonnie though she is quite alive.

Redoing Aaron's memorial site was pleasure mixed with pain.  The pleasure was putting a hula danccer on top of the stone.  The pain was recalling how he died to a neighbor and what I miss most about his absence.   His death still brings fresh tears to my eyes.  I'll always remember how he would run out of the house right at me, calling my name then giving me a great big hug.  To feel his arms around me, the love he shared, would be so healing.  But for now, I wait until Heaven to see him again.  

Crying seems to be what I'm doing the most.  Having physical energy to work on the lawn, decorate it with little animals and flowers, waking up sore the next day...all blessings of relieving stress and grief.  Even some belly laughing from a book.  Not overeating.  Gonna weigh myself tomorrow to see how it's going.

Lord, please grant me sleep.  I seem to be struggling since last week.  Please give Dr. Caban wisdom as we discuss medication.  Remind me to listen, listen, listen.

I love you.  Please guide my heart as I search for verses for Chelsea.  You are a good Father, a loving God and an outstanding writer.  Thank David for me.  The Psalms are where I'm headed.

Love your faithful daughter,
Amy Kathleen

A Rainy Day, A Thought Filled Day

Dear God,

What great joy I have in my heart from Laurie's email.  Thank you for the good work You are accomplishing in her life.  Thank you for her openness to change.  Thank you for the courage she show's time after time during deep struggles.

Thank you for Jo!  She's such a sweetheart.  I'm so grateful you reconnected us and both of us got the hint.

Thank you for Pam.  She is a solid rock upon which I can lean on.  Please help her heart to heal.

Thank you for my sisters and my mom.  You've blessed us with love and forgiveness with a splash of funny.  You are the only reason we are still together.

Thank you for Steve, Dale and Bill.  Men who have high integrity, who love us where we are.  I pray Steve will choose a personal relationship with You.

Thank you for Joe, Aaron, Jonny, Chelsea, Neena, Ryan, Hope, Samantha and Alicia.  Nine beauties all created by you.  Each of them a personal blessing.

Thank you for Kitten, Lizzie, Midnight, Patches, Ruby, Benjamin, Dusty, Shadow, Prince, Jack, Malone, Mo-Mo and Tommy (for Amy), Missydog, Justin and Usher (for Tina's family), Dukie and Mew for Tracy and Bill, and let's not forget Frank for Mom.  All pet lovers, all perfect pets, each with their own songs and nicknames.

Thank you for Kim.  A reuniting of two kindred spirits.  Please help her grieving process.

Thank you for Suzanne.  An honest fellow struggler who seeks peace.  Please bless her with some.

Thank you for our housing, our income, our spiritual gifts, our health, our families, our pets, our joys and our sorrows.  Only then can we truly appreciate the fullness of this life as we transition into the next.

With great love and adoration,
Your faithful daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Thinking Better

What do you do when you take yourself all medications and your body seems to be doing better?  I'm going to keep doing it.  The two things I've noticed are headaches in the morning and head chatter at night.  Since I'm not taking the Lorazepam it seems to be more effective with just one milligram.  Likewise, the headaches are starting to fade without any pain medication.  Now if my right hip would get back into alignment...

For the first time I was able to read through the weekly grocery ads.  I wrote out a list of things I'd like to purchase, mostly for the entire month of June.  With the exception of fruits and veggies, most of these items will last.  I'm still going to utilize the food pantry but bring my grocery list with me.  That way I can try to find the items and save even more money.  The next thing to do is a menu.

I like spending time reading ads.  It regenerates my brain.  I feel smart and since I'm taking the time and energy to write all of this down and calculate an approximate cost for each store, I can honestly say this is time well spent.

Not a lot of TV watching today.  In fact only two hours.  Showered, clean clothes and list making.  Definitely a very productive day.

Thanks, God!!!!

Another Day

Oh, it's Tuesday.
Not much going on inside or outside.
Much cooler temps even better tomorrow.
Food is okay.
Want to start weighing and measuring.
This is really hard.
Not as easy as when you're doing it with a roommate.

My back has been hurting, I'm headachy.
Chatter last night called for a Lorazepam.
Up at 5:00.
Back to sleep until???

Trying to stay present.

Hot Hot Hot

To say 97 degrees is hot is an understatement.  I'm so grateful for air conditioning and fans.  I've been able to work on small household tasks.  Definitely one of those days when, as mom says, to not move around too much.

Yesterday I ate too much.  One big can of baked beans then Steve and I picked up cheeseburgers from Luke's.  I had a taste for hamburger.  It's good I honored that craving.  I did drink diet coke and indulged myself with some fried mushrooms.

Today I've been eating a little at a time.  I'm not sure eating two avocados in one day is wise.  It sure tasted good!  Remembering to incorporate veggies, too.

It's a good day.  Steve gave me a great way to cope with other people's anger.  He suggested I take myself to a happy place and detach from the other person's anger.  I shared I come unglued, get fearful inside, even when the anger is not directed at me.  Being around he and Pam during their angry times is very hard.  I'm not sure what I fear but I suspect it has something to do with my dad's explosive anger including very bad swear words. I hope I remember to put his suggestion into play.

God, please guide Tracy as she searches for more meaning of who you are and the people in the Bible.  Please give her peace as she decides on the tattoo.  Increase her desire to seek You as You have sought her.

I love you, Lord.
And thanks for the money from my mom.

Love Amy Kathleen

Pass It On

Pass It On:  God's truisms...
the glory of His goodness,
the richness of His devotion,
the outrageous love He has for us,
and the hope of an eternal life with Him.

Pass It On:  Galations 5:22...
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
and Self-Control

Pass It On:  The attributes of a good friend...
Acceptance, Blessing, Celebration, Disagreements, Encouragement, Fun, Growing, Honest, Integrity, Jovial, Kooky, Listener, Mature, Natural, Overcomes, Prayer, Quick, Reliable, Safe, Thoughtful, Unique, Vulnerable, Wise, X-cellent, Yesterdays, Z-end.

A Warm Day...An Easier Day

Dear God,
     There are times in my life when everything seems to ebb and flow.  Other times I seem to struggle and fight.  I'm learning how important it is to follow through no matter how much I struggle or how much I fight against it.
     Change is very very hard.  I'm committed to lose 110 pounds.  I want to stay integrated as I experience all the emotions connected to food, including the loss of a dependable relationship.  Not a healthy one - an unhealthy one that has be removed.

     I need to move on.
     I need to let go.
     I need to grab onto You.

     Today is another good day of food choices.

      I'm feeling more energized.
     My outlook is positive.
     My hope is secure in You.

Bless me, Father, for I have brought my sin before You and received immediate forgiveness.
Bless me, Father, for my heart's desire is to serve You and love You more.
Bless me, Father, for I want to do what is good and right in Your eyes.
Bless me, Father, for without You in my life I would be a lost and broken woman.

You are my greatest blessing!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I love you with all I have, all I am and all I dream to become.

Love and Hugs,
Amy Kathleen

Pain Pain Go Away

So what's up with my body?
Pain on the right side, near my hip bone.
Hurts quite a bit and has been a repeat customer for the last few weeks.
Kidney stone?  Nope.
Surgery?  Nope.
Bad posture?  Probably.

A little down.
Time to get Depakote refilled.
Need to make an appt to see Dr. Semenov.
Feeling discouraged.

Not showering.
Don't care about appearance.
Don't care about much.
Weather is hot.

Depression.

Body Pain

Yesterday I had a lot of body pain.
This morning I had a headache then a migraine.
Good food choices.
Need to refill Depakote.
Short.

The End

A Slow Morning

Let myself sleep in until close to 10:00.

I haven't eaten yet.

I'm afraid I'll start the cycle again.

The End

Back on the Path

Ended last night overeating.  Gave myself a cheat day with no restrictions.  Unfortunately, those days often backfire because I become numb to my body.  I don't feel full.  I overeat carbs and really anything I can get my hands on.  I'll go into debt to feed a binge.  I went $33 over what I budgeted.  Small number?  Maybe.  Maybe not.

The trouble I'm having is the chatter in my head.  The temps are in the high 80's.  I'm uncomfortable in my body, sweating and a little irritable.  I'm trying to listen with my ears and not my mouth to my nieces.  It's hard removing myself from their bickering.  I love them.  I'm a better aunt when I'm listening and not lecturing.

Today is a better day.  I felt physically and emotionally bad about my food choices.  I've been drinking water like I can't get enough.  I wanted to blow my food for the weekend but I've been trying to give myself positive feedback through changing my behavior.  It's so hard letting go of this relationship.  One that has deceived me.

Deceive me once, shame on you.
Deceive me twice, shame on me.

Taking Time For Myself

I hope yesterday is going to carry on to today and future days.
 
I honored my body, honored my need for alone time to recharge and enjoyed my time with Steve.

Today I am waiting to eat until I'm really empty.  It feels good.  Balanced.

Heading to Tina's to spend time with the girls as Dale and Ryan are gone for the weekend.  Dale and Joe are up at Mom's fishing and Ryan is appearing in his first out of state (IN) dog show.

Peace Be Still...The Father Loves You.

Mid Afternoon Writing

Flexible....Listen.....Listen....Listen

Had a GREAT time with Suzanne.  Lunching (still making excellent choices), listening, talking, walking, listening, talking, talking, listening.

It doesn't get any better than this!

Time to make my way to Steve's and plan for tomorrow at Tina's.

But for this moment, I'm going to relax.

Mid Day Writing

Quite a morning.  Attended Samantha's D.A.R.E. graduation.  It was very emotional for Tina and me.  I kept thinking about Aaron.  Are they educating kids about huffing?  Tina said she brought it up to them.

I have a headache.  I'm doing well with food choices.  No extra carbs.  Two large strawberries for mid morning snack.  Way to go, Amy!!

Meeting with a renewed friend in a few minutes.  Hope to go for a walk.  Might eat lunch.

I'm so tired and a little bit sad.

Morning Writing

I woke up today with my stomach bigger.  I'm really struggling.  This is so hard.

Believing in myself,
believing God can help me,
believing I can be thin,
believing I will feel better when I'm thin,
believing it's time to put excess food down,
believing I can make and keep the changes I'm putting into practice.

The day has started,
I will remind myself that I need to be flexible.
Don't hide anxiety or uncertainty.
Let my gut guide me.
For it is in my gut that I believe the Holy Spirit will guide me.

Carb Over Loading

Dear God,
     I really goofed today.  I decided to eat my carbs for the day in the morning.  I wasn't able to control my intake, citing I wasn't feeling full.  Not until I took those last 5 bites.
     What's wrong with me???????????????????????????
      I consciously sabotage myself.
     Then I helped Pam power wash her home and I power washed the shed all by myself.  When I was washing, I thought about rewarding myself with food for a hard morning's work.  I focused my thoughts on where I would go, what I would eat and how much I'd enjoy it better than making a meal at home.  As it turns out Pam wanted to take me out for lunch as a thank you.  I had RED FLAGS.
     First, I wasn't hungry.  Those carbs loaded me up pretty full.
     Second, I felt it was too much for me to handle.  I was sore and tired but FOOD was more important than resting and taking care of myself.
     Third, when I was at the restaurant, what I ordered did not taste good.  It was very healthy (all dark greens, spinach  and crab meat) but instead of ordering something else, I ATE SOMETHING THAT DID NOT TASTE GOOD!
     What did I learn today?
     First, don't eat all my carbs in the morning.
     Second, honor my body above food unless my stomach is growling.
     Third, don't eat food just because I don't want to hurt someones feelings.  Feelings are not food.
     Thank you for confronting me and for loving me into obedience.  I'm determined to overcome this addiction like I did alcohol.
THIS IS SO MUCH HARDER BECAUSE I AM LETTING GO OF THE STRONGHOLD OF EATING MY FEELINGS.  I HAVE BUILT INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP AND NOW IT'S TIME TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS.  THE PEOPLE KIND.  

Please help me, Lord.
I want to obey your ways.
I have tears today, missing Aaron.

Love Amy Kathleen

Change Is Possible

Change is possible.

Not all at once.
Tiny steps.
Like that of a baby learning how to walk.
Not all at once.

Change is possible.

One little change can make a difference.
Striving toward good.
Reaching for balance.
One little change can make a difference.

Change is possible.

New thoughts to process.
New images.
New behaviors.
New thoughts to process.

Change is possible.

Not all at once.
Tiny steps.
Like that of a baby learning to walk.
Not all at once.

Change One Day At A Time

One day at a time.
One sunrise, one sunset at a time.
One hour at a time.
One minute at a time.
One decision at a time.

Changing what I eat for the good of my health.  I'm doing very well today.  No pop, no binge eating, no obsessive thoughts about eating.  I have back spasms, hopefully not a kidney stone.  Weird body feelings like my period is on its way but it doesn't arrive.  More Aleve.

Not much to tell today.  Pam is getting some of her anger out.  She's using the "F" word quite a bit.  I told Steve and he laughed saying, "That must be what I'm going through!"

Time to do a household chore - put on the sheet for my bed and tidy my bedroom.

Until I write again,
Amy

Change Is Hard

I'm officially one of those people who struggle with change, even if it's for the good.

I'm noticing how unhealthy I've been eating.  No wonder I'm so overweight and lethargic.  Food to poison the body into not functionally well.  I guess it's all for the best where these changes are concerned.

A beautiful day wasted on the couch in front of the television.  Got bored at 2:00.  Planted the rose bush this morning then pulled weeds in the afternoon.  Bored.

Pam is missing (not literally).  I think she may have checked herself into the hospital.  She was home all day yesterday (Mother's Day) then gone early this morning.  I pray she is safe.  Not much I can do.

I'm trying to take care of myself.  Much less carbs than over the weekend; broke up my lettuce head; maybe feeling crappy is because these toxins are getting jammed up in my stool so they are no longer tampering with my body; fruits and veggies are fine with me.

Missing Bonnie and her family; Carol; Annie; Sue; and the old Bright Hope staff.  I wish I was able to work but for now I'm disabled.  My brain feels like scrambled eggs and the chatter in my head is back.  I know it will be an adjustment when it leaves just like it was an adjustment when it re-arrived.  

And then there's Steve.  I'm mixed up inside.  No major decisions right now.  Enjoy him, his caring and his trying to understand.  He sees it - the changes with my inability to handle a lot.

I'm going to sign off now.  I pray Julie is doing well.

Starting Daily Journaling

Today I think about my labs.  Sugars 166 and triglycerides way up.  It's indeed a motivator to change what I'm eating.  The problem is this:  How do I eat all the good stuff and give up the bad stuff?  A daunting question.

Giving up icky foods that poison my body is a lot like surrendering my sins to Jesus.  I eat my emotions, I eat when I'm not hungry, I eat for companionship and I eat when I feel depressed.  All identified; none of them helpful motivators to change.  You'd think they would be but they're not.

I've had a steady unhealthy codependent relationship with food as far back as when I was a preteen.  Eating cause there was nothing else to do, eating out of fear that dinner was going to be too long of a wait, eating becoming a part of relationships with others.  Overeating - too long for it being no good for me.

So why is it so hard to love myself?  When I was thin, wasn't I happy?  Didn't I love the attention others paid to my body?  What about the goodness and confidence I felt when I reached my goal weight?  I need to remember those things.  Things that "fed" me positive strokes.

I start tomorrow.  I start to eat one meal at a time.  I start walking.  I start to believe in myself, again.  I start becoming who God created my temple to look like.  It will be difficult but it will never be impossible.  Because, "With Christ, all things are possible."

2012

Lord, I want to know You better.
Lean on You harder,
Listen for You more often,
Laugh with You longer,
Live with You closer,
Love You deeper,
and Long for You forever.

Lord, I want to obey You better.
Raise my hands higher,
Respond quicker,
Realize Your wisdom,
Ride out the storms,
Row into new territories,
and Release my fears to You forever.

Lord, I want to change for the better.
To become the woman You created me to be.
To let go of unhealthy patterns of self destructive behavior.
To welcome truth from those who walk with You.
To enfold the lost and lead them to Your Son.
To be a beacon of light in the city on the hill.
and To accept the events that flow through Your hands.