How did I become this fat person?
What am I trying to communicate through my fat?
Don't touch me. Don't love me. Don't come close to me. Don't try intimacy. I'll hurt you by withdrawing; I'll leave you before you leave me. Then I'll retreat and hide inside my shell of protection...my fat. I will smile on the outside and cry on the inside. I'll laugh so you think I'm okay but then I breakdown in silent tears, alone. I choose all of this because I'm afraid when I change you won't like me anymore. Isn't that sad????
From Grief Share:
Your Emotions
Day 58
Your emotions can be intense, draining, and hard to hold back;
Day 58
Your emotions can be intense, draining, and hard to hold back;
they are tangled up inside of you and run deep.
Everyone goes through some unexpected emotions, and it helps
Everyone goes through some unexpected emotions, and it helps
for you to identify and sort out the emotions that apply to you.
This is part of the healing process.
Which emotions describe what you are feeling?
Which emotions describe what you are feeling?
denial, rage, loneliness
rejection, confusion, helplessness
guilt, anxiety, disappointment
anger, sadness, resentment
jealousy, inadequacy, vindictiveness
fear, envy, depression
pain, dread, bitterness
loss, anguish, dismay
sorrow, betrayal, abandonment
apathy, distrust, lack of control
The other feelings I can identify are memories & scars from the past, a hurting heart, lost courage, despair, grief from the pit of all things dark, and dreams about the sexual abuse with my Dad, so many medical problems/issues since Aug 2006.
This month...Cathy's death Feb 12 (3 years)
This month...Tina's birthday Feb 14
This month...Aaron's death Feb 16 (10 months)
This month...Dad's death Feb 21 (3 years)
This month...Uncle Eddie's death Feb ?? (2 yrs;Dad's brother)
No wonder I'm so fat.
I've gained 40 pounds since Jan 2008.
I weighed 185 then 225.
Why?
Lack of love for self during a long time of suffering
and feeling completely alone.
