Dear Abba,
Last night and this morning I've been struggling with who I really want in my life. I cleaned out my Facebook friends narrowing it down to 60 (most of which are family). This morning I cleaned out my email, deleting groups and deleting people. It feels cleansing and also a bit lonely.
It seems I've booted out Bonnie and her family. That's the biggest one. I don't fit there anymore. I did at one time, for a season. It makes me sad but I think it's a healthy decision. I haven't told her yet. Maybe it will fall by the wayside like it has been for four years.
I'm worried about these suicidal thoughts. I know in my gut I won't hurt myself. I've had ideations of cutting and drinking. Why am I going back in history with old ways of coping? They never worked and left me feeling worse than I had in the first place.
I'm thinking this is grief trying to come out. I cried for awhile last night into my safe blankets and pillow. I didn't overeat (another miracle). It looks as if I'm trying to grieve yet the tear ducts get clogged with thoughts of coping in a harmful way. Maybe it's the intensity of what or how I'm feeling.
Today I will lay low, resting, reading and sleeping. I know sleeping is a sign of depression but that's all I have right now. I hope Chris can meet me at McHenry County tonight. If not, I have a big decision to make. Not based on Marie's hopes but based on what I can handle. Maybe a little stretch but it feels like jumping off a bridge hooked to a bungee cord. Nevertheless, I'll consult with You first.
I'm so glad you brought Sue and Kim back into my life. They're such solid believers. Kim says, "We've got your back," and Sue says, "Always here Amy. Looking forward to building on it." What can get better than that? I can't handle a lot of true friendships. There's only room for Jesus' example.
The three: Tina, Tracy, Mom
The twelve: Pam, Laurie, Marie, Jo, Annie, Ranne, Kim, Sue, Soni, SG, Donald and Dale.
The multitudes: Everyone else
Thank you for the faithful, Lord.
Your sad daughter,
Amy Kathleen
