Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Tears & Fears

Dear Abba,

Today has been a weird thoughts kind of day. I feel lonely yet I'm not doing anything about it. Now I feel sad, missing Aaron. He would have a blast with the Packers/Bears game this weekend. I ache to see him and hold him.

If I were ever granted one wish it would be for you to send Aaron back. I doubt he'd want to come back because of the splendid glory which surrounds him but still, even a full day with him would be so filling.

I deleted Bonnie and her family from my Facebook page. It seems right since we really don't have a friendship anymore. She's going her way and I'm going mine. I don't want to hurt her. I don't think it's a surprise.

I'll miss the kids but will they miss me? I doubt it. I'm a distant memory in their minds, someone who was once special to them but no more. I guess the mental illness cost more than I thought.

I believe you removed people, unsafe people from my life. Stephanie, Jill, CR @ LGCC, Bonnie, Kelly, BHI staff, and those I can't remember. Thank you for Carol, Jeff, Pam, Laurie, Marie (and small group), Jo, Ranne, Annie/Donald, my family and my extended family. I cry for myself because I miss Aaron so much. All these deaths, Lord. All the stress. So much in so little time.

You are my strength when I am weak, you are my eyes when I cannot see, you are the breath of my own soul, you are the only one who knows - everything. I love you with all the broken pieces of my heart, Lord.

Love your growing daughter,
Amy Kathleen

*Except for the "baby" part, these are my words to Jesus.