Dear Dad

In two days it will be three years since you passed away. I feel very sad today, sad to the point of deep sorrow and tears, that you left me without saying good-bye. What did I do that was so hurtful? Why did you abandon me in your greatest time of need? Why didn't you let me serve you by helping with your daily care? I don't understand.

I've been having dreams about you. Most recently, last night. We were in the car and you were driving. I was the age I am today, 43 years old. We drove past Great America and you commented on the "ride" that takes you way way up. I told you it's awesome to see all the way to Indiana, Wisconsin and Iowa. I told you it's a far ride up but at one point you lose your fear of heights. I know that was a concern for you. You commented, "I'd like to be able to see that far." As I typed those words, I am reminded you died blind.

Are you able to see me? See your family? Watch all the things God is bringing to fruition in our lives? Can you hear us? Can you hear the obedience and sorrow when Tina, Tracy and I seek the comfort of God? Where are you? Are you fully healed, physically and emotionally? I don't know where you are.

Right now, you are appearing in my dreams. One with sexual abuse; the other one without. One where I can feel your mustache on my face; the other where I can see you laughing and sharing a good time with Tina and I. You are both people. I miss your laughter, my coming over to your house and you handing me a Mug root beer just like you'd hand someone a cold beer. We'd sit down at the kitchen table where you asked how things are going in my life. All of this healed our relationship, before your colon cancer, before your blindness, before you denied each of your daughters a chance to say goodbye. What were you so afraid of?  I wonder.

Tina, Tracy and I have worked our separate 12 step programs, brought our concerns to the foot of the cross, talked it out with Mom and were prepared to say goodbye. Unfortunately, you (or Joan) decided it wasn't necessary that we said goodbye. I remember Dale coming home after picking up the Christmas gifts for your grandchildren. He said your house smelled like air freshener, trying to disguise the smell of bowel. When he looked at you he could see the progression of cancer. He told me (and Tina) if we had anything left to say to you, make sure we did it quickly. He believed (from the experience he had with his dad dying from cancer) that we had three months or less to make our peace.

I was at peace not to see you. But that didn't mean I wanted you to die not knowing how much I loved you and forgave you for the sins committed against me. That Jesus broke the power of Satan over my grief where my childhood and innocence were stolen from me, by you and other adults. I'd forgiven you for these abuses and so many other abuses you dealt me.

Then you died. I was at work when my phone rang. It was Tracy. She told me Dale had called her regarding your death. She was on her way to your house. When she arrived the Coroner was there and they were removing your body. Sorrow and tears immediately broke through and two of my dearest friends held me as I cried. Annie called Carol. Carol had a cancellation. Donald and Annie drove me to Wheaton to talk and cry with her. Before we drove away from Bright Hope, Tracy called back to let me know we were being given one hour the next morning to say our goodbyes. Then you were going to be cremated. It was less than 24 hours after we were notified about your passing.

Is that the way you wanted it? Or is that how Joan was punishing us? Did you really want my name not mentioned in the obituary? Or was that Joan making sure I felt even more remorse, suggesting you'd denied my existence? I'll never know, will I? God has blessed me with peace regarding that omission. I am His daughter, my name is written in His Book of Life and I trust He will not blot me out of existence denying He ever knew me. You see, He created me in Mom's womb.  Jesus affirms my birth on this sin-filled planet. You and Joan do not have the power to deny my existence. God Almighty knows my name and I hope He knew your name, too.

I don't like you and yet I miss you. I don't want you back but I do love you. I don't think about you everyday but I wish you peace. That's all I can do. You chose your eternal destination before the end of your life and I hope you chose the way that leads to an eternal life with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

I won't know what happened to you until I reach His Glorious Kingdom. Truth be told, I doubt I'll be thinking of you or looking for you on that day. Instead, I will praise my Abba who never abused me, reassures me of His unconditional love and desires a closer relationship. Not because He needs me (as you did) but because He knows how much I need Him.

Your earthly daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Down and Out

Dear Lord,

I feel sad and depressed again. Why is my body struggling in so much pain? I guess I shouldn't have jogged that short distance. My back during the night didn't appreciate it. My neck is still so sore. I have a low grade migraine and my throat hurts.

Amy's Psalm 1

Oh Lord my God, hear me as I pray.
I am deeply troubled by the silence I seek.
My head is filled with clutter.
I know you are preparing me to work.
How I long to be free from besetting sins.

Please here me as I pray, O Lord.
You are the One on whom I call.
Your righteousness is what I seek.
Your discipline never leaves a mark on my body.
I am weary, Abba, oh so weary.

This time together is scary.
In my heart I desire intimacy with the One I love.
I don't want to push you away or
Blame you for my iniquities.
I want a deeper relationship with you.

Show me what to do, Father.
Take me by the hand and
Lead me beside your still waters.
Let me soak up the sunshine as I
Lay in your grassy fields.
Surround me with Your faith so that
I would grow in my faith.

Body Aches and Pains

Dear God,

My neck has been stiff many days this week. I don't know if I'm sleeping wrong or bottling up emotions.

Today is Cathy's 3 year death anniversary.
The 16th is Aaron's 10 month death anniversary.
The 21st is my Dad's 3 year anniversary.

Too much death. How do I deal with the emotions attached to each of them?
Is there a way to separate them?
Doubtful.

I feel depressed again. Isolated. Protected. Downcast.

The pain of loss cannot be completely healed.

Love Amy Kathleen

Depression and Headaches

I feel exhausted when I wake up.
I feel exhausted when I go to sleep.
I feel exhausted when I try to do a chore.
I feel exhausted when I sit bored.

All I want to do is sleep. Is it depression?
Could be. My medicine has changed since I don't have
Medicaid. Medicare doesn't start until March 1st.
I have to call about a part F plan.
Should do that today.
Should.

Would rather sleep all day.
Have to read a chapter in SG study.
Have to read bible study.
Have to sleep...so so tired.

I hope this day will pass quicker than yesterday.

Lord, help me to do what you want me to do.
I have a small amount of energy that I'd like to use
for slumber. Love Amy

Weight. Wait. Weight

How did I become this fat person? 

What am I trying to communicate through my fat?

Don't touch me.  Don't love me.  Don't come close to me.  Don't try intimacy. I'll hurt you by withdrawing; I'll leave you before you leave me.  Then I'll retreat and hide inside my shell of protection...my fat.  I will smile on the outside and cry on the inside.  I'll laugh so you think I'm okay but then I breakdown in silent tears, alone.  I choose all of this because I'm afraid when I change you won't like me anymore.  Isn't that sad????

From Grief Share:

Your Emotions
Day 58

Your emotions can be intense, draining, and hard to hold back; 

they are tangled up inside of you and run deep.

Everyone goes through some unexpected emotions, and it helps 

for you to identify and sort out the emotions that apply to you. 

This is part of the healing process.

Which emotions describe what you are feeling?

denial, rage, loneliness
rejection, confusion, helplessness
guilt, anxiety, disappointment
anger, sadness, resentment
jealousy, inadequacy, vindictiveness
fear, envy, depression
pain, dread, bitterness
loss, anguish, dismay
sorrow, betrayal, abandonment
apathy, distrust, lack of control

The other feelings I can identify are memories & scars from the past, a hurting heart, lost courage, despair, grief from the pit of all things dark, and dreams about the sexual abuse with my Dad, so many medical problems/issues since Aug 2006.

This month...Cathy's death Feb 12 (3 years)

This month...Tina's birthday Feb 14

This month...Aaron's death Feb 16 (10 months)

This month...Dad's death Feb 21 (3 years)

This month...Uncle Eddie's death Feb ?? (2 yrs;Dad's brother)

No wonder I'm so fat. 

I've gained 40 pounds since Jan 2008. 

I weighed 185 then 225.

Why?

Lack of love for self during a long time of suffering

and feeling completely alone. 

Friends or "Friends?"

Dear Abba,

Last night and this morning I've been struggling with who I really want in my life. I cleaned out my Facebook friends narrowing it down to 60 (most of which are family). This morning I cleaned out my email, deleting groups and deleting people. It feels cleansing and also a bit lonely.

It seems I've booted out Bonnie and her family. That's the biggest one. I don't fit there anymore. I did at one time, for a season. It makes me sad but I think it's a healthy decision. I haven't told her yet. Maybe it will fall by the wayside like it has been for four years.

I'm worried about these suicidal thoughts. I know in my gut I won't hurt myself. I've had ideations of cutting and drinking. Why am I going back in history with old ways of coping? They never worked and left me feeling worse than I had in the first place.

I'm thinking this is grief trying to come out.  I cried for awhile last night into my safe blankets and pillow.  I didn't overeat (another miracle).  It looks as if I'm trying to grieve yet the tear ducts get clogged with thoughts of coping in a harmful way.  Maybe it's the intensity of what or how I'm feeling.

Today I will lay low, resting, reading and sleeping.  I know sleeping is a sign of depression but that's all I have right now.  I hope Chris can meet me at McHenry County tonight.  If not, I have a big decision to make.  Not based on Marie's hopes but based on what I can handle.  Maybe a little stretch but it feels like jumping off a bridge hooked to a bungee cord.  Nevertheless, I'll consult with You first.

I'm so glad you brought Sue and Kim back into my life.  They're such solid believers.  Kim says, "We've got your back," and Sue says, "Always here Amy. Looking forward to building on it."  What can get better than that?  I can't handle a lot of true friendships.  There's only room for Jesus' example.

The three:  Tina, Tracy, Mom
The twelve:  Pam, Laurie, Marie, Jo, Annie, Ranne, Kim, Sue, Soni, SG, Donald and Dale.
The multitudes:  Everyone else

Thank you for the faithful, Lord.
Your sad daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Tears & Fears

Dear Abba,

Today has been a weird thoughts kind of day. I feel lonely yet I'm not doing anything about it. Now I feel sad, missing Aaron. He would have a blast with the Packers/Bears game this weekend. I ache to see him and hold him.

If I were ever granted one wish it would be for you to send Aaron back. I doubt he'd want to come back because of the splendid glory which surrounds him but still, even a full day with him would be so filling.

I deleted Bonnie and her family from my Facebook page. It seems right since we really don't have a friendship anymore. She's going her way and I'm going mine. I don't want to hurt her. I don't think it's a surprise.

I'll miss the kids but will they miss me? I doubt it. I'm a distant memory in their minds, someone who was once special to them but no more. I guess the mental illness cost more than I thought.

I believe you removed people, unsafe people from my life. Stephanie, Jill, CR @ LGCC, Bonnie, Kelly, BHI staff, and those I can't remember. Thank you for Carol, Jeff, Pam, Laurie, Marie (and small group), Jo, Ranne, Annie/Donald, my family and my extended family. I cry for myself because I miss Aaron so much. All these deaths, Lord. All the stress. So much in so little time.

You are my strength when I am weak, you are my eyes when I cannot see, you are the breath of my own soul, you are the only one who knows - everything. I love you with all the broken pieces of my heart, Lord.

Love your growing daughter,
Amy Kathleen

*Except for the "baby" part, these are my words to Jesus.

Freaky Feelings

Dear Abba,

Today I'm having a hard time trying to identify my feelings. My brain is scattered, I feel like eating everything not nailed down, my glasses broke so I'm using an old pair, I don't have insurance this month and I'm worried about how much Medicare and a supplemental policy are going to cost. I guess I'm anxious and feeling depressed at the same time.

But is it really anxiety and is it really depression? Or is this another stage of the grief process where you just feel broken and the pieces are scattered all over the place? I don't know.

I want to hide in my house. I want to stay in bed with a bag of chips and dip. Fortunately, I don't have either. I want to stop whatever is going on inside of me and I want to stop it now. How do I do it?

I'll read my bible study, read my book. I'll keep my eyes and ears open to your whispers. Maybe I can read our next chapter for small group. Maybe I can color. Nothing seems to matter. I have no hope.

I'm worried about Hope, my niece. She's your precious daughter, Lord. Please help her with the anxiety and sadness. Please don't let her flunk out of 6th grade. Please give her the strength she needs to get through each day. Please give wisdom to Tina and Dale as they try to discern what's best for their daughter. She's very sensitive. Please help her manage her emotions. If I can do anything to help please prompt me.

Wow. I think that was it, Lord. Now I feel unshackled. My heart is lighter. I'm not trying to escape. I actually feel better after that prayer.

Thanks, Lord.
Love Amy Kathleen

A Time To Mourn

Dear Abba,

Tuesday night was a time to mourn. It came out of left field, just like most grieving emotions. It happened at small group and it happened to me.

I hadn't talked about Aaron's death until that night. I laid my heart out. It was safe. But even in safety came the flood of fear. Fear of rejection, of intellect, of not being believed, of being chastised for not sharing until now, and a whole list of other beliefs.

I loved Aaron. It was so hard to see him grow up. The things he went through I understood. I've been there. Why didn't he let us help him? Instead he sought comfort in huffing poisonous gasses and fumes. He didn't mean to die but still he died.

Maybe some day I can talk about it more.
But for today, I will cry when I need to.

I love you, Abba.
With all my heart can give You.

Amy Kathleen

Being Comfortable

Dear God,

I wonder what it's like to be comfortable. In church, in my family, in therapy, in doctors treatment, in small group, in relationships, etc.

What does being comfortable mean? Here are some descriptive words that might help: contented, cheerful, easy, at rest, relaxed, untroubled, healthy, soothed, relieved, strengthened, restored, snug, cozy, warm, sheltered, protected, cared for, appropriate, spacious and restful.

Sounds like bliss, doesn't it? As I read those words I can better understand "comfortable" comes with many faces. Lord, how do I find comfort in you? Do I daily practice disciplines that will draw me closer to You?

I'm hoping daily journaling, praying and reading will show me more about who You are rather than who I make You out to be. I have a long road ahead of me, Father. I know your rod and staff will draw comfort whether You are lovingly guiding me or gently disciplining me.

You are not an abuser like my Dad and others who hurt me.
You are neither male nor female - You act as One.
You are I AM.

I submit my morning to You. May Alicia and I be blessed by our time together for her Alicia Day!

I love you, Father.
As best as any broken kid can.
Amy Kathleen

A New Year Has Come

Dear God,

For the past week I've been filled with thoughts regarding the stronghold eating has in my day to day activities. I'm an emotional eater whether I'm happy, sad, angry or grieving. I fully submit this sin to you. Honestly, I'm afraid to let it go.

This besetting sin has bound me. It cuts me off from good health. I want what You want for my body and the rest of my life. I want to be forever healthy.

Here's my covenant to You for 2011:

First, I will greet you in the morning and evening no matter how I'm feeling.
Second, I will take all meds when they are supposed to be taken.
Third, I will record calories, measure body and share via talk/email with Marie.
Forth, I will read my daily bible study and Grief Share email.
Fifth, I will read the Disciples Fast at least once a week.
Sixth, I will give myself solitude when tough emotions surface.
Seventh, I will pray for the needs of others.
Eighth, I will surround myself with healthy people.
Ninth, I will listen for your whispers then obey them to the best of my ability.
Tenth, I will keep a blog to express my feelings and write when I hear from You.

I won't be perfect.
This sin has deep roots that need to be pulled out.
I know you love me just as I am.
I know you have plans to draw me closer to you.
I know you want to give me a brighter future filled with hope.
Someday, I hope to return to Carol for support in this change.

I will fast on Mondays and Thursdays for one year to break the begetting sin of gluttony.

Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.

Your struggling daughter, Amy Kathleen